This is gay-oriented fiction. I don't like writing ‘bout sex, so you won't find it here. I might suggest some of it, but no hardcore. This story is not about my life, although certain people portrayed in the story may be real. There is no sex… blah, blah, blah. You know the rest. If you've come this far, I can't stop you anymore.

IMPORTANT NOTE: A line across the page indicates a change in narrators. The star line precedes a flashback. That's just to help you read. Less confusion if I tell you ahead of time.

6/5/04: This chapter and the preceding four chapters have been meticulously re-edited by Aaron, a crewmember at www.themailcrew.com, from an earlier version that was posted elsewhere. Thanks, Aaron.

Kayden

by Ryan Keith

Chapter 5 - Kayden's Past: Part 2

The window was open. The wind was blowing. The door was open. Still, I couldn't breathe. Kade had just revealed to me a portion of his past. For such a young kid, so much had happened to him, and there was enough material to write a story of his life. I knew there was more to his running away. He ran away for a reason. For now, that reason remains a secret.

Lost in my thoughts, I had forgotten about Kade's condition. His breathing was rough and his eyes were puffy. I knew he was holding back tears. As strange as it may sound, I wanted to see him cry. Not so that I could see his torment, but so that I could reach out to him and offer him comfort. Nothing in the world would have satisfied me more at that moment than holding his body to mine. I wasn't thinking anything sexual; I just wanted him to confide in me.

"Kayden… do you want to stop? We can do this another day when you're up to it."

He shook his head.

"I want to keep going. I feel as if I'm being torn apart, but it feels good. It wants to be free, Zac. Can I ask you to hear me out? I know I’m being selfish, but I don't think I can hold it in any longer." Kade struggled with his words.

"I'll listen. You shouldn't have to hold in so much. None of us should. I can be here for you if you want."

"Thanks," he said, smiling. I'm glad I was sitting up, because my legs were totally gone. How could anyone stand after seeing a smile like that?

"Over the next few days," Kade continued his story, "Rick and I got acquainted with each other. I felt like I could tell him everything, and I did."

Sounds like me and Dad.

"I was surprised to find out that the place I had broken into wasn’t his only house. It was a getaway house, away from the city. Almost like a cottage without a lake or pond. After his family died, he couldn't bring himself to stay there, or to sell it. So, he kept it as a place to run to once in a while. He lived in a double-suite condominium in Toronto. He always liked the extra room, and he said he didn't mind giving space to me. It took all summer to finally get settled in. Everything was almost like it had been in my old life. I ran in the morning, took karate lessons and kickboxing, and had someone I could talk to. I started grade 9 that September… last September. Everything was going great, and I even met my first friend, Sean.”

The mention of the boy's name made Kayden smile for a moment, but he quickly saddened. I settled in to hear what he had to tell.

********************************************************************************************

The new school I was at wasn't too bad. It wasn't the best high school, and I knew some kids had knifes or other weapons. I was scared being a grade nine, but I did my best not to show it. I decided not to be the same person I had been in my old life. Instead, I was going to be quiet, reserved, and intimidating. I’d already seen great results. People went out of their way to steer clear of me, and talked about me without knowing me. Others spread rumors about me. I heard one of the rumors. Apparently I was a rough kid who had been expelled from my elementary school, so my parents had to move to Toronto and start a new life. Well, at least the new life was correct. I never bothered to correct them. I liked the fact that no one knew about me, and I liked the attention I received by being the outcast.

By November I was feared. I was smaller than most, but the fact that I took kickboxing and karate was common knowledge and helped reinforce that fear. My sensei told me that my eyes would change when I was serious. I thought that was cool, so I tried to keep my intensity at a high level.

Despite how I looked at school, Rick and I were really cool with each other. He helped me get back on my feet. He didn't ask for anything; he just watched over me like a guardian. At times he would tell me to smile more, and around him I couldn't hold that serious demeanor. His mood would make me laugh and smile. I was enjoying life.

"Hey, shitface!" I didn't know who was being called but I turned anyways. I wasn't going to stand for anyone's insults.

I saw Blake, a guy two years older than me. I had gathered that he was intimidating in the short time I’d been there. A lot of kids feared him, but I couldn’t see why. He was a big kid, but nothing about him was scary except his words. He was massive, but he looked pretty weak. He was just a walking building.

Well, he was lucky he wasn't talking to me. I would have decked him if he had been. Instead, Blake's anger was directed to a guy my age. I recognized the boy Blake was yelling at: Sean, a boy from my math class who really impressed me. I looked up to him for being so smart. Unfortunately for me, my skills in math and the sciences were below average.

"What are you waiting for? Go get the food from the café," Blake spat.

Sean looked scared. " Blake, I'm going to be late for my next class. I …"

"Just do as you're told, like a good little bitch," the ass said.

"Y-yes, sir," Sean replied. "Can I have some money to buy the food?"

"No, I don’t have any. Use yours," Blake said as he walked in my direction.

As he approached me he was checking out the girls around him and wasn’t really paying any attention to where he was walking. He was walking directly towards me. I hate bullies, but my dad taught me never to be intimidated by them. I could watch out for myself, but it pissed me off to see punks like Blake use a gentle boy like Sean.

Blake obviously didn't see me, so I stepped to the side, leaving my leg stretched out for him to trip over. I lifted my foot as he stepped over it, causing him to stumble. I could see it in slow motion: his grunting face, the low groans as he began to fall, and the echoing aftershock of his fall. I wanted to laugh my ass off, but kept my face still. He sure was a pushover for a big guy. I didn’t laugh, though, because that would have ruined my image. I just stood over him, glaring darkly down at him with a straight face.

"What the fuck? You asshole!" He spat. "Who the fu…." He stopped mid sentence as he raised his head and saw me.

"Watch where you walk, you fucking idiot," I angrily swore at him.

All movement in the hallway had stopped when Blake fell. They were all looking at us, waiting for the fight that was sure to come. It never happened. Blake got up and tried to stare me down. I didn't move. He must have realized I would mop the floor with his face if he didn't back down. I was confident I could take him on.

"Watch it, punk. You don't know who you're messing with," he said gruffly.

"And you think I give a fuck? Perhaps you should watch where the fuck you're walking. If you want to fight about it, name the place and time, and I'll see you to it."

I didn't take time to hear his response. I turned and walked away. It was like the sea parting for Moses. The wall of students before me opened up. Every eye watched me as I left the scene. I was really pissed. The adrenaline was pumping, and I was hungry. I made my way to the Café. I didn't feel like going to my next class.

"You should watch who you mess with, man," said a wavering voice. I turned to see Sean staring at me, his fists clenched, breathing hard. His cheek looked a bit purple. "Whatever. Tell your friend, if he really is your friend, I would fight him any day," I cockily said.

"No doubt you can beat him, but Blake's in a gang. Their leader is a big guy. The man is a school dropout. He owns most of the badasses around here. The guy is bad news, with drugs and stuff. They sell weed to students here."

"Whatever. Doesn't look like you should hang around him," I said, with no emotion. "The guy uses you, so why don't you just stay away from him? You said he's in a gang."

Sean looked down. "I can't. My brother is part of the gang, and they make me do stuff for them." He quickly looked up. "But they also look out for me and make sure I'm not bothered or hurt."

I stared at the bruise on his face and said, "Doesn't look like they did a good job.”

"Oh.” He touched the bruised spot. “This it happened right after you tripped my brother. He… sometimes gets angry and takes it out on me," Sean quietly told me.

What the hell? Blake is his brother? I would have never guessed.

"Well, tell him to watch out. I won't stand for his bullying. Tell him if I see him picking on you or anyone else I will deal with him."

I don't know why I said what I said. People who get bullied piss me off when they won’t stand up for themselves, but Sean was different. It was like it wasn't in his nature to fight back. I didn't understand why, but I wanted to watch out for him.

I really feel like hurting Blake. How can he do this to his own brother? Why the hell do I care?

I really didn't feel hungry anymore. I decided to just walk out and go home.

"Thanks, Kayden. My name's Sean, by the way. I guess I'll see you around," he shouted as I walked. I lifted my hand to acknowledge his introduction.

During the rest of that month, I found myself getting closer to Sean. He was in my English class as well as in my math class. . I’d just never realized it. Sean was a small boy compared to Blake. He had a small body and light red- blond hair, green eyes, and a very skinny build. It was like his brother ate all his food or something.

Sean and I started having lunch together. We never hung out after school, but we still enjoyed each other's company. I did a shit job of showing it, though. To anyone else it probably looked like Sean was idolizing me and following me around.

Everything was going great until Blake found out how much his brother and I were hanging out at school. I was hoping he would fear me enough to know I didn't give a shit, and would leave us alone, but he didn’t.

"Hey, Kayden!" Someone shouted out. I was on my way home from school. It had been a great day.

I turned around and came face to face with Blake and Sean, who were followed by two other guys.

I wasn't prepared for what I saw. Sean’s face looked partially beaten.

"What the hell did you do to him, you bastard?" I yelled, charging Blake.

Blake hid behind his two friends. They weren’t students from our school, so I assumed they were from the gang Blake belonged to. Sean's lip had dried blood on it and his eye was swollen. I snapped.

********************************************************************************************

"What happened?" Zac asked.

I sat motionless for a moment, recalling that harsh afternoon. The fact that I had creamed all three of them really didn't appeal to me. I felt a bit sick, and angry that I had let myself do something like that. It had been the first time I had snapped.

"I fought them, and won," I said in low voice.

"Wow, cool! Did you do your martial arts stuff?"

"Yeah, but I did take a beating. I was hurt pretty bad. Apparently my little win was over exaggerated and it was all over the school. The fake story was that I had beaten Blake and his stupid gang, all forty members of them, and had come out unscratched. The rumor was that I had been offered a position in the gang," I told Zac.

"It's funny how people blow everything out of proportion," Zac replied. He seemed peeved.

"It was all untrue except that I was offered a position. They wanted me in, but I refused. After that, Sean stopped following me around. He didn't even notice me anymore. At first it didn’t bother me. I realized I had opened myself up again and was vulnerable to other people. So I decided to withdraw into my shell." Zac looked up at me questioningly.

"I like you the way you are. There's no need to hide who you are. I like the real you," he said in a smooth, stern voice.

It was as if Zac had spoken his heart, because a moment later he realized what he had said and was blushing a deep red. The way he tried to hide his embarrassment was really cute. Even considering what he had said, I knew he couldn’t be interested in me. I am nothing compared to Zac. It’s like he’s on another plane of existence; someone I could only dream of being with. I wasn’t good enough. I knew that, but at least I could have him as a friend.

"Thanks, man, it means a lot to me." I could tell by his smile I was beaming again.

********************************************************************************************

It hadn’t bothered me that Sean all of a sudden bailed out on me. I guess I kind of just threw that friendship away like it had never meant anything to me. It was almost February. The second semester was just beginning. Sean had been out of my life all though January. He didn't come to class anymore unless it was for a test or to hand in an assignment. He would look at me but avoid eye contact whenever I looked at him. I was hurt, but I didn't show it. I didn't have any classes with Sean that semester, but I did see him every day during lunch. I could tell that he wasn't eating right. Everyday he seemed to get thinner and paler.

During early February, I was walking to one of my classes when I saw him. The hallway was empty; everyone had already gone to class. I was late because a teacher had held me back to talk to me about a paper I had written. I sped up to catch up to Sean. Before I reached him, though, he fell. Well, he didn’t really fall. He kind of stumbled like he was disoriented. I quickly ran to his side.

As I caught him in my arms, he looked up and realized it was me. He smiled and started to mumble something.

"You know, if my brother or his friends catch us, they’re going to be royally pissed at me, and they might hurt you," he said in a gentle, tired voice.

"Well let them come. What happened to you? You seem to be getting weaker. Is there something wrong?" I asked patiently.

"Not here. Meet me after school at the park near your place."

With that he walked off, leaving me wondering what was up with him. The rest of the day I couldn't focus on anything, because I was worried about Sean. I wanted to protect him, but why? What about him did I want to protect so much? It sucked that his own brother was such an ass. I realized I still wanted him as a friend. A person really can't go on without friends. It's too hard. I was lost in thought and didn’t hear the bell ring at the end of my last class. The moment everyone stood up, I ran through the door.

I ran down the path towards the park. I didn't want to miss Sean, so I decided to get there before him so he wouldn’t have to wait. But he'd gotten there before me. He was leaning a shoulder against a tree with his back to me.

"Hey," I said, breathing heavily, "didn't you have classes?”

"I skipped. I don't care about school anymore,” Sean whispered with his head lowered. “I don't care what happens to me anymore. Fucking great life I'm living."

"Hey, are you okay?" I asked, turning him around.

He had been crying. Before I could say anything he buried his face into my chest, bawling his eyes out and hugging me like I was a pillow. I didn’t know what to do at a time like that, so I wrapped my arms around him. I wanted to make sure he felt safe.

He cried for a while. I just stood there holding him, not caring that my shirt was getting soaked.

"I feel so safe in your arms."

I stood quietly, not responding.

"I can't keep living the way I am. My father left us a long time ago. My mom is a drunk. I'm involved in things I don't want to be into," Sean cried angrily.

I tried to calm him but he was livid. "I can't do this anymore. I don't want to be used anymore. I want my own life. I want to leave here and go away. Far away. What the fuck do I have to live for? Why doesn't someone just kill me?"

I had to stop this. I pushed him away with my hands on his shoulders. I held him securely making sure he got my message. "Don’t you ever talk about killing yourself. That's the pathetic way out. You have to…"

"I can't!" he shouted in a yearning voice. "I'm not like you. I'm not strong and I'm not fearless! I have no backbone. You’re everything I'm not. I can't do this alone."

"I know. I'm sorry I kinda pushed you away. I really do want to watch over you. I don’t want to see you get hurt," I said gently.

"I need you. I feel safe in your arms. Please don't leave me. I need you. I love you. If you're with me then I can do anything. Never leave me. I need you to love me," Sean sobbed.

I felt the world around me beginning to compress. I didn’t know how to react. I’d never had anyone fall for me. I didn't know how to deal with feeling like that. I liked Sean, but not in that way. I would never have guessed that Sean was gay. He didn't seem like it. He was just really quiet and kept to himself.

"Sean, I really do care about you, but I don't think I can return those strong feelings you have for me." I could feel him shake while I spoke. "Regardless, I'm still going to watch out for you. You don't need to hang out with that gang anymore. I'll watch your back. You don't need to be afraid anymore. I promise this to you."

He looked up at me with a mix of sadness and anger. "Why can’t you have feelings for me? This isn't fair! Why am I the only one like this? I need you. I need your love. Please give me your love!"

Sean's head buried into my chest again as new waves of emotion engulfed him. I just let him cry. I had crushed his dreams. I’d never thought of Sean that way. I only saw him as a friend.

"Sean, I'm sorry. I can love you, but only in a way that friends care for each other. I have nothing else to offer you but that kind of love. So please, get a hold of yourself. I'll be by your side. I'll help you. Just let me …"

I couldn't finish my sentence. Sean's mouth was over mine. His eyes were closed, but mine were wide open. I wanted to push him off, but I knew I couldn't. Not the way he was at the moment. I just stood there, without returning his love.

After a moment, Sean pulled back. His eyes were still closed.

"Sean…" I began.

"I'm sorry, Kayden," Sean apologized. "I had to give it a shot. I know now. Your lips… they told me… I'm not the one for you. I'm jealous of the girl who gets to taste those lips." Sean smiled and moved his hands away. "Thanks, Kayden. Maybe I can go on if I have you as a friend."

"It's all I ask of you." I smiled to him.

Sean and I talked about everything for the next hour or so. I found out more about him, his jerk-off brother, and his drunken, raging mother. For such a small boy, he had to deal with a lot of shit. The gang his brother was in had forced him to smoke cigarettes and weed. He never wanted to, but they threatened him. Blake was more a bully than a brother. He made Sean cook, clean, and do Blake’s dirty work. Sean had been involved in selling weed to some kids in our school. During our talk he agreed not to do it anymore. Sean's mother was another problem. She was usually drunk, morning and night. Sean worked part time at a grocery store, and his mother used the money he earned to buy booze. I couldn't believe he didn't try to hide his money. In fact, I couldn't believe how he could stand living there.

"Despite what they do to me, they’re still my brother and my mother. I can't abandon them. Even if they hate me, I still love them." Those words showed me Sean’s purity and inner beauty.

When I got home, Rick was there. I didn’t really understand his business. Apparently he bought property and sold it at a higher price. I didn’t see how it was possible. I never questioned it, though. It put food on the table, right?

"Hey, sport, how's it hanging?" Rick happily greeted me.

"I… I don't know," I answered. I meant it, too. Had the day been good, or bad?

Rick must have sensed my concerns, so he asked me to walk with him. We went for a walk while I filled him in. He understood my situation and told me not to be too concerned. He assured me Sean would be all right. How could I not trust him?

It was Friday, and Rick and I decided to watch a movie. I wanted science fiction, but Rick wanted a mystery. We tossed a coin, and he won. For the first half of the movie, I was sulking and annoyed that I didn't get to see the movie I had wanted to see. But, to my surprise, the mystery movie was far better than I had expected. I actually enjoyed it. I was captivated by the twists of the plot and the debatable ending.

"Holy shit…" were the only words out of my mouth.

"You have a funny way of showing surprise and enjoyment. I would give that movie eight out of ten," Rick said, with his arms crossed.

"Really? I thought it deserved one out of ten." I looked up at Rick, who gave me a cross look. "Well, I meant to say number one out of my top ten favorite movies. Wow, I want to see more films like that. I guess mystery movies aren't that bad."

Rick chuckled at my backpedaling, and told me, "You were so against it at the beginning. But people are like that. When exposed to change, some people view it as a threat. Change can be scary at first. And change doesn’t necessarily mean everything’s for the best. It's two-sided."

I really understood what he was saying. I could tell he wasn't talking about the movie anymore. I agreed to an extent, but there was something in his tone that sounded harsh and cold. I decided to let it slide.

"Well, I don't want anything to change. I'm happy as I am. Everything in my life is perfect," I stated firmly. I lay back with my arms behind my head and looked up at the ceiling.

"Is it? How do you know what perfect is? What if change brings a new definition of perfection?" he asked. "No, son, nothing is ever perfect." He walked over to a glass cabinet. It housed a jewel. It was really gorgeous. Blue like the ocean. A sapphire in the shape of a teardrop.

Rick's words were too philosophical, and I couldn't really follow. I thought I understood what he meant. I just couldn't really agree with him.

"Maybe…" I whispered.

Rick was staring mindlessly at the blue jewel. He turned and walked to the mini bar and poured himself a glass of whisky. "Would you like something to drink?" he asked me.

"What… are you trying to get me drunk?" I asked in a playful tone.

"Alcohol may be a depressant, but it’s a great ice breaker for conversation," he replied.

"Sure."

I wasn't much of a drinker. I never drank at home. Mom and Dad had kept the stuff away from me, but I was sort of curious about what it would be like to be drunk. I experimented with what Rick had. Everything was disappointing. Most of it tasted like shit. There was one I did like well enough, but it was too strong, so I added milk. Bailey's and milk; the first drink I actually liked.

Rick and I drank hard that night. We talked about all sorts of things. Sometimes while I was talking I lost my train of thought and started talking about other things. Rick just laughed at me.

"I was really happy in those days. But it's like I'm cursed. The moment I find happiness, everything goes wrong. Way wrong," Kayden said quietly.

His eyes stared intently at his hands folded before him. His eyes were the same colour they had been in the alley. The pale grey moon. Nothing clouded them. As he looked up to me, I could feel his eyes pierce my soul.

I didn't want to hear any more. I was content with knowing the Kayden of the here and now. His past was so harsh, so painful. I didn't want to know, but I had to. If I was any kind of a friend to Kayden I should listen. If it would help him find peace in his heart, then I would listen. I actually felt happy that he was sharing his past with me. I mean, we’d only known each other for like, what?… two weeks?

Everything about him I love: his cool eyes, his perfect nose, his full lips and cute ears. I’ve never really fully admired Kayden's form, but his body seems, well… perfect. That shirt is hiding his chest, but anyone could tell he has a beautiful body. I really like Kayden, perhaps more than just as a friend. I’ve been hoping he’s the same as me, attracted to other guys, but after hearing his story, hearing about Sean, I'm probably just a friend. Kayden's straight. If Sean is as cute as Kayden described him, I have no chance with Kayden. It’s okay, though, even if it isn't possible. A friend like Kayden is more than I can ask for.

"Don't say that," I heard myself say. " You’re not cursed, and I like you for who you are. If you think you can scare me away with a story and a curse, then you have another think coming. I haven’t changed my mind about being your friend. The fact that you're telling me this makes me want to know you better. You're a good person, man. My offer still stands. I'm solid for you." I mean that in more ways than one. Damn these thin hospital sheets.

"Thanks, Zac."

They were back; the cool blue eyes that I love. I stared into them as he revealed more of his past to me.

********************************************************************************************

Like all seasons, summer must end. In my life, the summer had ended, and a vicious winter had replaced it.

Every morning I got up, showered, ate breakfast, and ran out of the house hoping I wouldn't be late for my period one class. It had been a month since the talk in the park with Sean. After that we were sort of always around each other. We met before classes, during lunch and after school. Sometimes he would come home with me, but we seldom went to his place. His mother was always home. I still didn’t know what she did for a living. Blake stopped bothering me. Even when he saw me at his home he would stare at me, but wouldn't say anything or do anything. I was glad he still remembered the beating I gave him after seeing what he had done to Sean.

As the school came into view, I got a disgusting sensation in my stomach. I felt sick. The closer I got to the school the more I felt sick. I was wondering if I was coming down with something until I walked into the building. The feeling just vanished. I felt fine, but something was up. The students were more animated than usual. Everyone was bustling and talking, until they saw me. Some of them looked at me, but others looked towards the floor. I walked to where I usually met Sean. He wasn't there. Sean was never late, and the warning bell was going to ring in a few minutes. I sat down on an empty bench, and people continued to stare at me as they walked past.

Okay, what the fuck is going on?

"Kayden?" I turned to see my English teacher from the first semester. She was looking sort of out of it. I didn't respond. She said, "Kayden, can you please come with me?"

"What's going on?" I asked, my voice cracking. "I'm supposed to meet Sean here. The bell is about to ring. I- I…" I felt like I already knew. Sean wouldn't be coming. He wouldn't ever be coming. Not anymore. He was dead.

His body had been found that morning. When they told me, I ran. I ran for twenty minutes towards Sean's house. I never felt tired. I felt angry and sad. I was crying hard as I ran to Sean's house. I could feel myself beginning to shatter again. I was losing control. When I got to Sean's house, Blake was on the front porch bench with three officers around him.

I could hear the officers as I approached. "We want to know what happened. It might take a while for the body to be analyzed. There were broken bones, a fractured skull and bruises on his body. Whoever did that left him to die. We can get them if you help us. We can hold them in custody until the evidence has been confirmed. If you don't help us they can easily run, and it will be a lot harder for us to catch them. Did your brother have any enemies? Give me a name, an address, tell us…"

The officer didn’t have time to finish.

I broke in between the officers and grabbed Blake by the shirt and threw him against the wall. The officers were a little slow to grab me, and I had Blake pinned.

"Tell me where the fuckers are! Who did it? You tell me, you piece of shit. This is your mess! Your brother is dead because of you. You got him involved in something. Tell me!" I yelled in his face as I raised my fist to punch him.

I still heard Sean's voice echoing in my head: “I can't do this anymore. I don't want to be a used anymore. I want my own life. I want to leave here and go away. Far away. What the fuck do I have to live for? Why doesn't someone just kill me?"

There was more to what had been happening. Sean had been trying to tell me something.

One officer attempted to free my hold on Blake, but I had a solid grip.

"You fucking bas…"

Before I could finish, Blake looked up at me. I had never seen him so destroyed and broken. Tears were streaming down his face, and his breathing was strained. I lost my anger at him.

The words of Sean repeated in my head: “Despite what they do to me, they are still my brother and my mother. I can't abandon them. Even if they hate me, I still love them.”

I released my hold on Blake's shirt, and the officer released my arm a moment later. I was staring at a different Blake than the asshole I knew. He leaned his head close to mine, and whispered a name and an address. I knew the area, so I should be able to find it. It was close to Blake’s house.

"Now go, before the police get him. Make that fucker pay. Please," he whispered. I was off.

To my surprise, the gang’s hideout was no more than just a house. Not in the best neighborhood, and not in the best condition. The front door was open. I walked in and scanned around. Some kid about two years older than me was sitting on a broken couch.

"Who the fuck are you?" he shouted. I ran at him, out of control. My first punch landed, followed by a second and a third. I kept going. The body under me was writhing in pain, but I didn’t stop.

I heard running. Someone was coming down the stairs. I turned just in time to see a man at least twenty-two years old. He grabbed me and threw me across the room. He was saying something that didn’t register. He was a huge guy, but I didn’t care. I fought to get back to my feet, and didn’t care about the size difference. I fought with all I had. My punches didn't have the same effect his punches had on me. I couldn't stop, though. One of his punches had me collapsing to the floor. I couldn't get up, but my ears worked perfectly.

"Who the fuck is this kid? The older guy asked. The boy I had attacked was wiping blood off his mouth. The boy walked over to me and kicked me in the stomach.

"It's a friend of Blake's brother. He's the one who wasted Blake, Joey, and Cory," he said, with another kick to my stomach.

The big guy picked me up by the shirt and laughed at me and said, "Oh, so you're that little bitch's friend. I remember that kid. Remember him, bro? That Sean kid has such a nice ass."

I felt my blood boil. I struggled and tried to break free.

"We had a great time ripping that ass apart. It was real tight. You should have heard him screaming when I filled him with my cock. He kept screaming out a name… what was it again?" The man asked, smiling evilly. I could feel my tears streak down my face.

"I think it was Kayden," the bloody one answered, sneering at me.

"Oh yeah," the man recalled. "Are you Kayden? Did you steal our bitch from us? He said he wanted out. I was really pissed. I thought I had that bitch whipped for good. But all of a sudden he shows up all confident and beaming. I thought it would be a good idea to teach that cocksucker a lesson. He has a great mouth. I'll give him that. He can give head like a pro. What's funny is that he probably enjoys it and his brother never knew. We all had been using that mouth maybe five times a day. It was going great until you showed up."

NO! He didn't want that. He wanted to kill himself because of that. These bastards just used him.

I gave up struggling and gave him the darkest gaze I could create.

"You put shit in his head. Well now we’re gonna fuck you up." I could feel the man grabbing my ass. I was furious. Sean, the gentlest, most loving person I’d ever come across, had been used for this asshole's pleasure.

It didn’t matter that this man had me in a solid grip. With one swift movement of my leg, I nailed him in the balls. He groaned as he fell to the floor. I grabbed an object nearby and smashed it over his head. I jumped on him and grabbed his hair. "You asshole. He's dead." I punched his jaw as hard as I could. "You killed him," I shouted.

I could see shock on his face. I didn't give him a chance to answer. Punch after punch, I put all I was into beating him.

"Give him back, you fucking bastard. I hate you! I'll fucking kill you. Give him back!"

I could feel my eyes burn as I watched this asshole go unconscious. He wasn't getting up. I was content in killing the bastard, but I felt a hand grab my arm. I was about to deck somebody until I realized it was a police officer. I looked around and saw three other officers. My body suddenly felt heavy.

The officer holding my arm said, "That's enough, son. You're going to kill him." I looked down at the work I had done. Sure enough, the man's face was covered in blood. I still wouldn't let go. I remember three officers pulling me off the bloody guy while I kept repeating the same words: "Give him back."

It was over. The big guy was charged with rape and murder. He was going to get at least twenty-five years. He didn't complain at all, either. I suppose he didn't know Sean was left to die that night. I didn't care. I wanted him to be hurt, to feel the pain Sean felt. Feel the torment and embarrassment Sean felt. The boy I had beaten and three of his friends were sent to juvenile jail. They were also charged with growing weed in the house. There was almost a hundred thousand dollars worth hidden there. They were underage, so they wouldn’t get the full penalty. At times I wish Canada had death penalties. I finally learned the names of the two I had almost killed. The big guy was Philip Jacobs and the kid was his brother, Neil Jacobs.

The funeral for Sean was going to be held in four days. Those were the longest days of my life. The police asked me questions. I received hundreds of letters and notes from people from school and anyone else who wanted to sympathize with me. Each said how sorry they were, and that I was a really good friend. Bullshit. What a friend I was. I let someone close to me die. I didn’t care about anything anymore. Rick was the most help. He let me cry and didn’t try to comfort me. He just held me and let me drain myself. His words were soothing to me. I had nightmares each night until the day of the funeral.

It was the only time I saw Sean's mother sober. I was enraged by her ability to fake her feelings. She was sobbing and saying she missed her son. What a load of bullshit! Blake was by his mom, and he was different. I could sense that his brother's death had changed him.

"He was such a good son. He worked a part time job to help pay the rent. I was so proud of him. He loved reading books and he was very artistic," she sobbed. I had had enough. English was Sean's most hated subject. He hated reading. And he hated art. He loved math and science. No way was the bitch going to take the role of a mourning mother. She didn't deserve it.

"You bitch!" The words were not mine. They were Blake's. "Stop crying like you mean it. You were never a mother to him. You just got drunk off your ass and did nothing. Sean and I worked our asses off, on top of school, just so that we could get by each day. We could have easily abandoned your fat ass."

Blake choked.

"But Sean wouldn't let me. He said we had to take care of you because you were our fucking mother," he growled.

Everyone was looking at them. Sean's mother was vexed and angry. Blake was allowing his own anger to mask his sorrow.

"Sean told me you took his money. Used all he had to buy alcohol," I added in.

Everyone was looking at me while I went on. "I don't know why he didn't just leave you. You didn’t deserve a son like him. And he hated reading. You don't know a damn thing about him. He cared about you, said that he had to protect you, that you and Blake were the only ones he had left."

Blake let the tears roll down his cheeks.

"You… you used that money to buy booze?" Blake asked, his words barely getting out. "I always gave you money for that shit. You are not my mother,” he said, stepping back. “Not anymore…" Blake walked, leaving his rotten mother amid a disgusted crowd. I followed.

We were by a tree. If someone had told me the day I had met Blake that I would be there for him as a friend, I would have laughed my ass off.

"I gotta thank you, and apologize, too," Blake began. "Sean was really feeling down a while back. When he started seeing you again I was pissed at first. But I realized that he was more happy with himself, and more alive when you were friends with him. So I just let you guys be."

Blake kicked at an imaginary pebble on the ground.

"If I had been aware of what was going on behind my back, I would have stopped it. I could have saved him." Blake began to cry again. "I couldn't save my brother. I lost the only support in my life. I was too blind. I was too involved in work, school, and my friends to even wonder what Sean was going through. But this is too fucking much. It's not fair. I want to apologize to him. He shouldn't have died, I should have."

"Don't take all the blame," I choked. "I was supposed to be his friend. I was supposed to watch out for him. I promised him, but I failed him."

I felt a hand firmly grip my shoulder, and I turned to him as he shook his head. "You were a great friend. No one will ever doubt that. But I won’t let you feel responsible. I guess we can share the blame."

"Yeah."

We stood by the tree watching the sun set. There was still something that bothered me.

"You weren't the one who hurt Sean, were you?" I asked, remembering the day I had torn up Blake and his two friends.

Blake looked at me grimly and said, "No, it wasn't me. You wouldn't even hear me out. You just snapped. I guess I can't blame you. I wasn't the only one giving him hell. He had been having some trouble at school, but you probably didn't see it because after you started to hang around him, most of it stopped."

It all made sense. Blake never really struck me as the badass brother. He really did watch out for Sean. I guess that first day I saw them Blake was just in a bad mood when he was ordering Sean to buy food for him.

"Well, I guess I should apologize. I'm sorry about that, man. I snapped before I could even grasp the situation."

"You're forgiven, if you forgive me for giving you such a hard time," he replied.

"It's a deal."

Blake looked up at the sky while he continued. "We really could have made it. With me paying for the rent plus the money I got for doing the illegal shit, Sean and I could have made it. Sean had the potential to go on. That money he worked for was supposed to be going towards his college funds. That bitch used him."

"As much as we both hate your mom, Sean still loved her."

"How could he? She used him. What kind of mother does that?" He asked angrily.

"Despite what they do to me, they are still my brother and my mother. I can't abandon them. Even if they hate me, I still love them," I said quietly.

"What?"

I turned to look at Blake and said, "Sean's words. He really loved you and your mom."

"I never said I hated him," Blake whispered, his expression revealing his devastation.

"Did you ever tell him you loved him?" I questioned.

He didn't answer. He was suffering under the truth.

"I think he would be happy if you didn't abandon your mother; if you gave her another chance."

Blake just stared at the sky. I too looked up. The sun was going down, and the clouds looked free.

"I feel like he's looking down at me, telling me to go on. I can feel him. He's going to watch over me, isn't he?" Blake's words were genuine.

"Yeah."

Blake smiled and shouted out to the sky, "I miss you bro. Watch over me, okay?"

Tears freely streamed down his face as he whispered, "I'll make it, with you watching. I'll make our dream come true. We made a promise, remember? I'll be sure to keep it."

________________________________________________________________

"Blake changed. He became a new person. He left the illegal shit and dumped his so-called friends. He even tried to forgive his mother. But things don't work out perfectly. His mother went back to booze but Blake didn't give her any more money. She had to work for the stuff.”

“Blake and I became close after his brother's death. Like he said, he was going to make it," Kade finished. His eyes were soaked from the tears that he had shed while he told me about Sean. I too was crying. It's not everyday you find out how scary life is. For Kayden, life so far had been a nightmare. I felt sorry for Sean and I felt sorry for Kayden. We’re only in grade 10. Life isn't supposed to be like that for kids.

"I thought I was getting my life together, but then Rick died," Kayden said, frowning at his hands.

I felt my heart groan as I shuddered. So much death surrounded Kayden. For such a young boy, he had a lot to carry. I couldn't believe his heart had been burdened with so much.

"What happened?"

"I guess I shouldn’t really complain. Rick was old, but I had thought he would live for another ten or twenty years. That was before I talked with the doctor. Rick had a heart condition. It had been due to his depression and lack of care for himself. Rick's time was due sometime last year. Apparently he was able to fight off death for another year." Kayden looked like he was fighting off a smile, but he lost. "The doctor said I was to thank for that."

I could no longer talk; just listen.

"I got a letter from a lawyer a couple of days after Rick’s funeral. Rick's will and a letter Rick had written to me were with the lawyer’s letter. He told me had known his time was short, and why he hadn’t told me of his condition. He had stocks and portfolios and things I never even heard of. He told me to come up here. He had bought a house for me to live in, to start a new life. He said it was all part of a plan. I really didn't care about the money. I would have gladly exchanged it to have Rick back. I knew I had to leave, and Rick had known that I would need to. Too much in Toronto gave me bad memories. I had grown to love the city, but it reminded me of those people I lost. So I moved up here."

Kayden was silent for a moment.

"I guess I should finally wrap this up. Those guys who attacked you were friends of Neil Jacobs, the one in juvenile jail. Although their puny gang was all broken up, he still has a bunch of friends who are just waiting for him to get out. Philip Jacobs won't be getting out soon. And from what Blake told me, he's a destroyed man. He won't talk to anyone. The fact that he killed someone must have really messed up his mind. Even if he does get out, I doubt he’ll be a threat. The one I'm more concerned about is Neil. Since he went to juvenile jail, I've received three threats in my old mailbox back in Toronto. I was going to confront them yesterday. I don’t know what I was going to do. Perhaps bribe them? I just wanted to get away from everything. But I saw you and your cool friends. We were on the same train. I guess you guys just didn’t see me."

From the moment I stepped onto that train, I wished I had invited Kayden. I wanted him to be part of our group and one of my buddies.

"I wanted to see where you were going, so I followed you around. If I had known better I wouldn't have followed you. I was being followed, too. I didn't know that, and it put you guys in danger."

It sort of made sense. But the fact that Kayden wanted to settle a score with them frightened me.

"How did you find me after the game?" I asked.

"I have my skills," he said. "It's not like I put a bug on you or anything. I just, you know, knew where you were. I guess I felt like I wanted to get closer to you. I don't know why I did it."

I shook my head and said, "It doesn't matter, bud. It's all cool. Were you going to fight them?"

"No, actually I was just going to make sure they wouldn’t bother me. I overestimated their little gang.”

Oh my God I thought to myself. Kayden must have read my face, because he smiled.

"It's only Neil we have to worry about. The people who attacked you won't bother you anymore, or me. I kinda cut a deal with them. They want out of Neil's little gang. When Neil gets out, he's gonna be alone. Those guys don't want to be involved anymore. And after what I did to them, they don't wanna mess with me anymore. They split up and walk away from that life, and I don't bring the cops to them. They end that lifestyle and go clean. I had each one of them agree to it. Toronto is a safe place again, to your friends, to you, and to me… if we don’t count Neil getting out. If they come near you, I'll have the police on their ass. I have enough evidence to get them lots of jail time."

I had to think about it for a moment. Kayden really had this figured out. "You're a sly bastard, you know that? Is that why I can't say anything?" I said in a playful tone.

"Yeah, I gotta honor my part of the deal. I think I evened out the injuries. They hurt you guys; I hurt them. They got the message," Kayden said, smiling.

"You scared the shit out of me. I had the impression that they were still after us. But I guess I don't need to worry anymore, right?" I asked

"Only about Neil. But his sentence has been extended for fighting in jail. A weakling like that is nothing without anyone supporting him, though."

I felt myself smiling as I said, "You're a bastard, you know that?"

"Well, yeah. I guess I deserve that, I think I made you wet the bed when I told you they escaped, didn't I?" he mocked.

"Asshole, you almost made me shit myself." It was true. I had been about to freak out.

"Oh really? Lets check out how bad the damage is, shall we?" He joked, grabbing my sheet.

Oh shit, if he sees my condition…

Before I could react, he ripped the sheet from my body. I tried to cover myself as best I could. Damn, those gowns can be revealing. I could feel him staring at me and I felt myself blush.

"Damn, not too bad," he said with a grin. It was a hot grin, like he was playing with me. Why did he have to smile like that? It was just too hot.

"Shut up, you asshole," I swore, still red. "Give the sheet back, you pervert."

"I don't know… I kinda like you like this," he joked.

I was burning, and my face was on fire. I was almost tempted to dump the glass of water beside me over my face.

"You are a pervert, you know? I should watch myself around you. You might take advantage of my weakened state," I said with a laugh.

"Oh yeah? Like how?" he asked, still grinning.

I don't know what I was thinking. My mouth was just shooting off when I said, "I don't know. Try to kiss me in my sleep or something? I…"

I grabbed my mouth, shocked at what I had said.

I wasn't the only one. Kayden's mouth was hanging open. I could see his cheeks beginning to go red.

"You were awake?" he almost shouted.

"You mean you really did kiss me?" I asked, equally surprised.

We just stared at each other. I felt my cheeks still burning, and Kade was beginning to show it too. This was so unreal. I knew I was smiling. Kayden was. I wanted to say something but I didn't know what. There was total silence except for the loud man in the other bed. Surprisingly, he had slept through Kayden's entire story and our shouts.

"Am I interrupting something?"

Kayden and I turned towards the doorway to see my dad. It took a second for Kayden to realize it was my dad. He quickly threw the sheet at me and pretended to be the most obedient kid in the world.

"Sorry about that, Mr. Hunter. Zac and I were just fooling around," he said in a polite, beautiful voice.

"I could see that," Dad replied, turning to me while I tried to cover up. "I take it you’re Kayden, right? Thanks for watching out for my boy."

Dad held out his hand.

"No problem. The pleasure was all mine," Kade replied, taking Dad's hand. Kayden turned to me and smiled. "I gotta go, Zac. I'll see ya later, okay?"

"Y- yeah, I'll see you later. Call me, okay?" I smiled.

"You bet!" He grinned and ran out the door. I kept looking at the door even after Kayden was gone. I felt happy. Maybe he’s like me.

"So… that was the boy, huh? Not bad looking. I think he's kinda cute. But you really like that boyish grin of his? He's like an eight year old," Dad said, playfully poking fun at me.

"Shut up!"

"Call me?" Dad mocked. "That's the best my boy can do? I thought you were going to grow up to be a heartbreaker, not a timid boy."

"Leave me alone," I yelled, covering my head with the bed sheet.

"Well, let's get you home. Let's go grab some food first. I'm starving."

"Yeah, me too."
The day had been crazy. I laughed, I cried, I was frightened, and I fell in love. I wondered what the future held for me.

END OF CHAPTER 5

Wow, finally, the Kayden flashback saga is over.^^ Tell me what you think of it.^^ Too confusing? Too brutal? Too predictable?? It’s a long chapter, so that makes up for this late installment.^^ Give me E-mail.^^ Let me know there are readers out there. I love getting e-mail. If you have any questions, comments or concerns, please forward them to me at Ryan_Kayden@ Rogers.com.

Copyright © 2003, 2004 Ryan Keith

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