This is gay-oriented fiction. I don't like writing ‘bout sex, so you won't find it here. I might suggest some of it, but no hardcore. This story is not about my life, although certain people portrayed in the story may be real. There is no sex… blah, blah, blah. You know the rest. If you've come this far, I can't stop you anymore.

5/25/04: This chapter and the preceding two chapters have been meticulously re-edited by Aaron, a crewmember at www.themailcrew.com, from an earlier version that was posted elsewhere. Thanks, Aaron.

Kayden

by Ryan Keith

Chapter 3 - A Nightmare

"Get out of here… now!"

The words pierced me like a knife. His voice was calm, yet at the same time, intimidating. I suddenly remembered my surroundings. Five guys. They looked to be around seventeen or eighteen years old.

Shin lay beaten on the ground. Scott was down on one knee, holding his head where one of the guys had landed a blow. Jett was nowhere to be seen. Maybe he was still at the restaurant. I tasted blood in my mouth. My arm hurt like hell. This was real.

"What are you waiting for? Get out of here!" the kid yelled. The five guys blocked the boy's figure.

"Zac, help me. I can’t carry Shin by myself."

Scott held Shin’s arm with one hand, still holding his own head with the other. I ran over and helped him lift Shin up off the ground.

"What about the other kid?" I questioned.

The five bigger guys surrounded the smaller boy. He didn’t look any older than us. The guys hadn’t moved. They seemed to be arguing among themselves.

Scott turned to me, his face filled with anger and confusion. "We can’t do anything for him right now! He’s buying us time. We have to get Shin out of here and find help… fast."

Scott and I struggled to get Shin and ourselves away from the trouble, away from the danger.

Scott spat as we moved through the darkened alleyway. "Let’s hope that one guy can hold the others off till we find someone."

The mental image of a guy my age with a bleeding face and broken body, lying motionless on the ground, made my stomach turn.

I can’t leave him alone. He’s going to be killed.

Moving blindly along the alley, we finally reached an opening. Shin started to regain consciousness. His coughing and heavy breathing told me that he must have taken some blows to the throat and chest.

"Scott, find someone fast. I’m going back to help that guy."

"You can’t be fucking serious! You saw those guys. They’ll murder you. He… he said he’d be okay."

"What the fuck do you mean, he’ll be okay?" I yelled in frustration. "Those guys will kill him if I don’t do something. They might have already killed him!" The thought of death made my stomach turn again. I won’t let him die.

Pushing past Scott, I ran back down the narrow alley.

"What do you think you could do?" Scott yelled after me, his voice fading as I ran deeper into the maze of buildings.

Why did this have to happen? If anything happens to him… who is he? Why do I care so much? I should care; he saved us.

Thunder shook the old buildings as I ran between them. The blinding flashes of lightning told me to turn back.

I can’t. Not without him…

Shifting to the left to dodge some rusted trash bins, I make my way back to where we had left the fight.

Please, God. Let him be safe… protect him… please… I…

FLASH

The light was intense. The entire dark sky seemed to flash white. Time slowed down. In the middle of the gloomy alley lay two bodies; two of the five bullies that had cornered us. Four figures were shuffling near the side of a building. Three large guys were keeping their distance from the fourth figure. One suddenly rushed the smaller guy. I was certain his blow was going to connect. It didn’t. The boy quickly sidestepped, evading his attacker. The kid lurched forward, slamming his elbow against the side of the attacker’s head. A third assailant had fallen.

One of the remaining two took this opportunity to sneak behind the stranger, trying to land a solid kick to his side. The kid grabbed the incoming leg, absorbing the blow. In one swift movement, the boy secured the opponent’s leg with one arm and crashed his other elbow down on the guy’s kneecap. The crack was loud, but the scream that came after was deafening.

There was one left, and panic masked his face. The odds were against this lone man. His four buddies lay on the cold ground.

Another flash of lightning. I felt water on my face. Rain. The moment I noticed it, it came hard. Huge drops of rain bounced off the now-wet pavement. The ringleader of the little gang held a defensive stance, a small pocketknife drawn. The other shadowy figure stood motionless; one hand in a pocket, while the other brushed matted hair from his face.

FLASH

The sky shone white. For that brief moment I saw him. Icy, piercing eyes. I knew this boy. His face was expressionless, but his eyes were deadly. They were not the kind, gentle eyes I knew. They were harsh, cold, and frightening. No longer did I see the cool ocean blue. These eyes were a pale grey. It was Kayden. His eyes showed no mercy for the man who stood before him.

Before I could blink, Kade rushed the man. The man raised his knife to defend himself, thrusting it forward towards Kade’s neck. Kade caught it, the knife piercing his left palm. With his left hand, Kade had grabbed the opponent’s fist, along with the blade. With his right hand, Kade landed a powerful punch to the side of the attacker’s face. The man stumbled and fell, grabbing his face where the blow had landed.

Kade stood over the man, the knife still protruding from his hand. Kade grasped the knife and pulled it out, without flinching or showing any hint of pain, and threw the weapon far off to the side. His hand dripped rain and blood. A noticeable puddle of red formed at his feet.

Kade grabbed the man by the neck and pulled him up, throwing him against the side of the building, his hands wrapped tightly around the guy’s throat. He was choking him. Blood ran down Kade’s forearm. He was going to kill him. The man attempted to pry Kade’s hands away, but Kade had a solid grip on his neck. I couldn’t see Kade’s face, but his voice was filled of anger and rage, "You mess with my friends, and you mess with me. And I’m gonna fucking kill you. You hurt them… I saw you. You punched him. His blood is still on your fist. I don’t care if all of you come after me, but stay the fuck away from them. They have nothing to do with anything."
Kade continued, menacingly, "No point telling you this, since you’re going to die".

My throat was dry. I tried calling out his name, but no sound would come out. My knees gave way and I collapsed to the ground.

On my knees, I try to breathe, but can’t. My hands are laid out in front of me, as I stare at the wet ground. No. Don’t do it. You’re going to kill him. You’re not like that. Please, stop it. Please, someone stop him!

I push all the strength I have left into my voice.

"STOP IT!!!"

I look up. Kade stands there looking at me. His grip on the guy’s throat eases and the man starts coughing as he falls to the ground.

"You’re not like them. You’re different. Come back. Please… don’t do this, man… I…" All my strength vanished and darkness engulfed me.

* * * *

A room. A familiar wall. My house. I see two people. Talking. One of them is Kade. The other one is me. My other self has no face. Yet I know it is me. I try to call out to Kade, but I have no voice. Everything is grey, the walls, the lights, and me. The two figures stand in full colour.

"Why did you do that, Kayden?"
"They were going to hurt you… kill you. I had too."

"Because of you… my life was normal before you came into it. Who the hell are you?"

That other me. His words were harsh.

STOP

"Because of you… you ruin everything. You're a fucking monster."

Kayden just stands there. His face has no emotion, but his eyes are grey. He turns around and walks away. I try to run to him, but the distance between us continues to grow.

Don't leave. Please!

* * * *

"Looks like you're finally up."

I was propped in an upright position. My hands clung to the thin fabric that covered my body. I rubbed my eyes and looked towards the voice.

Jett… sat sprawled on a chair. Looked pretty uncomfortable.

"Hey, what's up?" I mumbled. What am I supposed to say? I just had a nightmare. Which one was the nightmare? It was then I realized where I was. I was in a hospital bed.

"Jett, why am I…" I tried to gather the words, but my mind felt blank.

You should leave. You're a fucking monster.

The words from my dream echoed in my head.

"We're at a hospital. You gave me and the guys a major scare. Just lie down and rest. We'll talk about it after you rest some more. It's 4:30 in the morning. Go back to sleep," Jett ordered.

"Ok." I didn't feel like arguing. I guess the alleyway incident had been real.

Then who is Kayden, really?

"I'll go get your dad and the doctor. They told me to find them if you woke up during the night," Jet said as he headed for the door. I lay my head back and looked up at the ceiling.

I heard the door open as Jett stepped out. Someone stopped him. I heard their voices.

"How is he?"

"He's tired. When did you get back?

"Just now. They have nothing on me. No reason to keep me overnight."

"He woke up for a second, but he just went back to sleep."

"Just like a sleeping beauty."

I heard Jett snicker. "I need to find his dad. I'll talk to you later."

"Sure… I'll just check up on him."

The door closed. Footsteps approached. I knew who it was. His voice had its usual smooth tone. The dream still frightened me. What if I say something like I said in the dream? Something I might not be able to take back. Maybe I should pretend I'm asleep. Later when I have a clear head I can talk to him normally, without pushing him away.

I lay on the single bed quietly, with my eyes closed. I felt his presence by my bed. I could feel his body was close, blocking the light from a nearby lamp. The window was open. I felt the cool breeze of the September night blow over me.

He didn't move. Seconds turned into minutes. The minutes stretched and seemed like years. I slowly began to doze off. I imagined myself back at home. I felt movement. Something soft brushed my lips. I felt his breathing. His soft lips made contact with mine. Nothing was forced. He just held our lips together for a brief moment. Although it was a simple kiss, something powerful surged up inside me. It felt so right. I felt his breath again as he pulled back. He traced his fingers along my face. Sleep came as I tried to recall the events that led up to that moment.

The blazing morning sun woke me earlier than usual. It was a gorgeous day. The sky was bright blue, with the sun shining just above the neighborhood houses. I looked at my digital clock: seven-fifteen. Seven hours of sleep is good enough for me. Jumping out of bed I ran to the bathroom to do my morning routine. Today is the day. My fifteenth birthday. My night out with the guys. A time for us to explore our youth.

Dad sat in the kitchen in his robe, apparently looking over some papers from work. The smell of freshly made coffee filled the kitchen.

"I thought you said you were going to leave your work at work," I playfully scolded.

My dad looked up at me and smiled, "Happy birthday, Sport. You're up early. What time did you go to sleep last night?"

"Thanks. What about you? You came home after I went to sleep, and now you're up. You must have gotten maybe… what? Four, five hours of sleep?" I interjected.

"Ouch. I wasn't aware I had a curfew," Dad said. "I'm sorry, it won't happen again, Sir."

"Better not," I joked. I leaned over and examined the papers that were sprawled across the table. "What are we looking at?"

"New recruits. I need to organize another team section to do the research and mock trials of the new test type we're creating. D-team is slacking off and not reliable. Sector three is busy as it is. I can't watch over everything, so I figure I should appoint a team to do the preliminary testing and research. We're delayed as it is and we need to go over the entire infrastructure. The people upstairs want results, damn bastards. Might as well use the company’s resources while they're available. I mean, just last week…"

I love my dad and all, but sometimes I can't comprehend a single thing that comes out of his mouth. It's good for him to rant a bit. Gets things off his chest.

While vaguely listening to Dad bitch about his work, I imagined the different places we were going to visit. We obviously will first need to check in at the hotel. After that we could walk around downtown. Perhaps go around the gay district just for fun. Maybe eat at Hard Rock Café or Planet Hollywood. After the game we could go cruise around the city some more. Go up the C.N. Tower. I heard it's beautiful at night.

"…so I told him instead, that if he doesn't…"

"Dad!"

He looked at me and caught on to what he was doing.

"Anyways, the guys and I are meeting at the GO Station at around eleven o'clock. We want to explore a bit before we go to the game."

"Good idea. You could probably check out the gay district, it might be fun," he commented. I love how we think alike.

"Just be careful. Don't follow anyone. Stay away from empty lots. Although you won't be remotely close to there, stay away from Jane and Finch," Dad warned. Jane and Finch is one of the most dangerous street corners in Canada. There's like a stabbing a day there, even in broad daylight.

"I know. You think I'm an idiot?" I said sarcastically.

The look Dad gave me made me mentally kick myself.

"I mean, I’ll be with the other guys. No one will do anything if we stick together," I said, brushing his worries aside.

Dad nodded and started to organize his papers.

The rest of the morning consisted of me making breakfast, while Dad piled personnel profiles into three separate boxes. Breakfast was quiet. We discussed places to go and emergency contact numbers. I had all my friends’ cell numbers as well as their parents’ numbers. I was set. By the time I was done cleaning up the kitchen, it was almost nine o'clock.

My washroom is connected to my room, so I never have to worry about privacy. Not like there’s anything to hide. It’s just me and Dad. We’re pretty comfortable with each other when it comes to walking around in just boxer briefs.

I took a very long, hot shower. I watched while the water cascaded off my body. The water ran like a river, breaking off into separate paths as it ran over each bump and ridge on my body. I took a moment to admire my form. My participation in competitive swimming has helped me shape my body the way I like it. It isn’t heavily muscled, but my skin is tight on my body. I brushed my hand over my stomach. All the years of running, biking, and swimming helped shape the muscles, and I’m proud of them. Girls always like to touch my chest, slowly rubbing their way to my stomach. I guess girls love the abs.

I stared at my legs. I was blessed in having almost no hair on my legs. Besides the hair on my head, my pits, the soft stubble on my usually clean-shaven face, and pubic hair, I’m pretty bare. I probably got it from my dad. My arms are pretty well defined. They aren’t bulging, but they aren’t skinny. They suit my body. I enjoy watching the veins pop out a bit when I flex. The arms are usually what I look at on a guy. Yeah, sure, the face and body are really important. However, the arms are definitely on the checklist. Kade has great arms. He also has great legs. He’s almost perfect. That's all I’ve ever seen of him, though. For some odd reason, no one takes a shower after our gym class. I really don't mind, since it's last period, but sometimes I wish showers were mandatory after gym. You really can't blame me. I'm a young male, my hormones are raging, and I'm gay.

After my shower, I shaved and applied the basic things. Gel, deodorant, etc. Choosing something to wear was a challenge. I decided to go with loose jeans, a nice black shirt, and a pair of runners. I picked the black shirt because it’s somewhat tight in the chest and shoulder regions. The sleeves are pretty short, so more of my arms are exposed.

By ten-thirty, I was ready and about to jet out of the door. Dad was waiting for me in a nice suit. My dad is great with suits. He doesn’t wear the suits that look like they were bought at ninety percent off. He’s one of the best-dressed men I've ever seen. Today he wore a black suit with a red dress shirt underneath. He was stylin’.

"Where are you going, dressed like that? Looks like a prom suit." I teased.

"Actually I have lunch with one of the directors today to discuss… never mind, " he stopped, catching himself.

I almost laughed at him.

"Anyways, here's two hundred dollars in cash, just in case there's an emergency." He passed me a wad of cash. There were six twenties, six tens, and four fives. Then he handed me a credit card. "Use this to pay for the rooms, food, and other expenses. Remember to tip, and be courteous. Don't drink up the mini bar and wander Toronto drunk. You might find yourself in a lot of trouble."

I just stared at the bundle of cash he handed me, and looked at his credit card. A platinum card.

It took a while for me to escape from my daze. I couldn’t believe I had so much money to spend. I grabbed my duffle bag and headed to the car.

By the time I got to the GO station, Jett, Scott, and Shin were already waiting for me, each with his own bag.

"Took you long enough, but happy birthday anyway," Scott said, his mouth tilted, giving me that cute grin. "We almost boarded the train without you."

"You wouldn't leave without me." I stated.

"Yeah, he would have… birthday or not. Took me and Shin both to convince him to stay and wait. You know what he's like with trains," Jett replied, shaking his head.

How could I forget? Scott's interested in anything that moves. Trains, however, have always had a special place in his heart. I imagine he’ll be a mechanic or engineer when he grows up.

"It's because of the windows. Everything goes by so fast. It's like watching the world go by in fast mode. And I love the way…"

When he gets going about any vehicle that moves fast, there's no stopping him.

"Well, we should probably board now, it leaves in two minutes," Shin interrupted. "That is, of course, unless you’d rather wait an hour for the next one."

We boarded the train on time and spent the next hour talking. We talked about the triathlon I participated in, Shin's girlfriend, and Maya. Scott was pretty silent when the discussion switched over to the topic of Maya. He always seems quiet around her. Like she’s a threat to him or something. I don't think they get along well.

"Maya is a great girl. I’ve wanted to ask her out for a while, but she's had her eye set on you, Zac," Jett said, giving me a somewhat warm smile.

"Wha…?"

"Oh, please. Tell me you aren't brain dead. How could you not know she's interested? Practically the whole school knows," Shin joked.

"Yeah, man. For a while I thought you were trying to play it cool. You know, make her come to you or something. I really don't approve of that, but I thought that was your style," Jett mused. "But now I don't know what to believe. Maybe you’re blind."

"I don't see why it matters. She's just like any other girl. Nothing that great about her," Scott said harshly.

Shin stared intently at Scott.

"Well, make your move, Zac. It's not right for a girl to make the move. The guy should do it," Jett said, sharing his knowledge of relationships.

"Is that based on experience, or your sisters' advice?" I joked.

Jett is practically whipped by his older sisters. They've jumped on him since he was a kid. All that work turned Jett into quite a gentleman. They even taught him to dance, and follow-up gestures that are gentlemanly. He’s really smooth with ladies, and he respects them.

"Nothing to do with either!" Jett blushed.

Jett and I laughed, while Scott stared out the window and Shin stared at Scott.

We got off at Union Station and decided to walk to our hotel. It wasn't that far, and walking gave us an opportunity to do a little sightseeing. Whitby isn't too far from Toronto, but we don’t usually get to browse Toronto as tourists.

"Geez, are we there yet?" Scott complained.

"For crying out loud," Jett said, "we only started walking. It's going to be at least another twenty minutes or so."
"Really?" Scott said suspiciously, his eyes showing a playful glow. "Wasn't it you who said it was the other way? We almost went the opposite direction. And from what I remember, you have the worst ever sense of direction!"

Jett blushed a deep red. He doesn’t have the best navigating skills, but he’s great at hiking and camping.

"Leave me alone, you ass," Jett said, a curved smile on his lips.

Scott just walked on, keeping pace with us.

Shin was the navigator for our walk. He guided us through the streets of Toronto like a tour guide, giving us the opportunity to look around at the big buildings and stores.

"Guys?" Shin started, his voice seeming somewhat troubled, "do you think we can go to Chinatown later on? I promised my mom to buy some herbal tea."

"Cool!" explained Scott. "I always wanted to check it out."
I was fine by the idea. We probably could do more exploring downtown, but I wanted to see Chinatown, too.

I felt my spine freeze up. I felt eyes on me. I spun around expecting to find someone. People walked on the sidewalk. Nothing out of the ordinary.

What the hell was that?

I was glad we decided to walk. I've seen Toronto plenty of times, but this was like a first time. The buildings towered over us. I spun in circles looking at the blue sky meshed with the tall buildings. This was Toronto. The city I love. The C.N. Tower was visible from our position. We were definitely going there later.

We found the hotel and made our way to the reception desk. A kind, middle-aged lady sat there, entranced by a computer monitor.

"Guys," I said, "I'll get our keys."

"Dude, dude, dude!" Scott desperately said loudly, "make sure the rooms have mini bars."

Scott's alarming call almost gave me a heart attack. Several people turned to look at us before returning to their business.

"You dumbass," Jett smiled, smacking Scott on the back of the head, "obviously there's going to be mini bars. Did you need to draw so much attention?"

Scott shot out his sly grin. "Just making sure we have hookups."

"I want a massage."

We all turned to Shin. He stood there picking some dirt from his nails and leaning against a stone column. Sometimes he says the most unexpected things.

"You know, a masseuse. They have them don't they? I could go for one. My back’s all sore and stuff. "

The seriousness of Shin's face was priceless. The three of us cried out in tear-making laughs, while Shin stood there staring at us. My stomach hurt as I tried to control myself. That earned us another look from the guests and bellboys.

"Hi. I made a reservation for two rooms," I said politely to the receptionist.

"Hello, and welcome to Fairmont Royal York Hotel. May I have your name, please?"

I gave her the necessary information. She waited patiently while I signed some documents, and then handed me two keys.

"One room is a double, good for two. The other one is also a double, but much bigger, with a couch and pullout bed. I'll have someone escort you to your rooms," she said, with a genuine smile.

As we approached our rooms, the bellboy started a conversation with us.

"So, you guys tourists?" he asked. He stood pretty tall. Fairly skinny. His hat sat sideways giving him a touch of his own style. He wasn't bad looking, but he wasn't Kade quality.

"Not really," I replied. "We live about an hour from here. We just decided to do something big for my birthday, so we planned a trip to Toronto."

"Wow. Happy birthday, man!" His smile was heartfelt. We started walking to our rooms.

"This is one of our best suites. I hope you boys have a lot of fun here," the boy in blue said.

"Damn straight! Uh, how do we order our masseuse?" Shin asked.

Scott snorted while Jett shook his head. The bellboy looked amused and told Shin the details of ordering one.

The young man opened the door to the main suite. It was huge. It was like a condo. The area we walked into was apparently the social room. There was a big screen television in a large wooden frame that stood off the floor. There were shelves on both sides, their contents unknown to us. A total of three couches circled a pretty cool coffee table. The mini bar caught Scott's interest. Connected to this room was a full kitchen. It was all white. The cleaning crew had done a fine job. The walls of the main room were a light blue with various pictures of scenery. One was of a waterfall, birds soaring over it. Another was of a very colourful garden.

I walked around the room, transfixed by what was apparently ours.

"The two doors there lead to the separate bedrooms, both with double beds. The washroom is connected to both rooms. The other room you booked is very similar to this except there’s no kitchen. That door connects rooms seven fourteen and seven sixteen. You guys can unlock it and keep it open. That's pretty much it. I hope you boys have a great time here," the young bellboy said.

"Thanks, man. Take it easy," Jett said, shaking the guy's hand.

The bellboy nodded and made his way out of the room.

"Shit!" I exclaimed, "I didn't tip him."

Before the guys could say anything, I bolted out of the room to track down the kind guy who showed us our rooms.

"Hey dude, wait up!" I hollered, catching up to him as he boarded the elevator.

"What can I do you for?" he asked, titling his head.

"I forgot about the tip. I'm really sorry about that."

The boy looked at me and started to laugh.

"I'm sorry. You have really nice friends. Your tall buddy back there handed me a twenty. Largest tip I've gotten since I’ve worked here."

I stood there dumbfounded.

"Dammit, Zac, listen to us before you jet outta the room, will ya?" Scott called out as he approached us, definitely annoyed.

"Uh, um, yeah… sorry."

"Don't worry about it, man. Nice to meet you guys. You cuties go on and have some fun. Especially you, birthday boy," he said with a wink, as the elevator door closed.

I stood there not knowing what to think. Was that guy coming on to me?

Scott broke the silence, "Dude, that guy is definitely a fag."

The words rang in my ears. A sudden jolt of pain struck my heart.

"What?"

"That guy… he's gay. Can't believe it. Nowadays you don't know who’s straight anymore. Bunch of freaks."

I mastered all the emotions I felt, and buried them. I couldn't react to this. Scott would find out, and then he would hate me.

"Whatever," I said coldly, "lets get out of here."

When we left the hotel it was close to one p.m. The Hard Rock Café was just a short walk away, so we decided to chill there and grab some food. The game wouldn’t start until six, so we had a lot of time on our hands. The whole meal was a blur. I remember eating a cheeseburger, but not tasting anything. The conversation ranged from sports to school to what we want to do in the future. We talk about that kind of stuff a lot, and we usually get into it. However, this time my answers were brief and blunt. The thoughts of what had happened in the hotel were still playing in my head.

"Bunch of freaks." Scott's voice was still solid in my head.

The events that followed played in fast mode. We made our way to Chinatown and grabbed some herbal tea for Shin's mom. We toured some Chinese shops and went through some foreign items that seemed pretty cool. I tried to act normal. I didn’t want the guys to regret this day.

This is my own problem. I can't have it interfering with our day. I'll deal with my feelings when I get home.

We walked around a bit more, had some Italian sodas from the Second Cup Coffee House, and walked around downtown. I was no longer interested in the city. I wanted to be, but something was boiling in my mind. The guys didn’t seem to notice. They kept up the conversation like we were all having fun. I guess I put on a convincing show.

At five o’clock we headed for the SkyDome. We took the subway to Queens and decided to walk the rest of the way. My feet hurt, but I didn't care. I pushed myself to follow through with this day that I had looked forward to.

I sat through the game completely unmoved. The game was interesting, but I just couldn’t get into it. We did the waves and cheered, but the voices all of a sudden seemed so far away. The laughs of my three friends died among the cheers of the crowd while I stared at them. Their focus on the game was unshakable, yet my mind wandered, not grasping what was going on. In the middle of the grand stadium, I sat lost in the sea of noise. In a dome full of thousands of cheering fans, I felt alone. There, with my best friends, I felt alone. I sat in silence, as the wave of noise enveloped me.

"Hey, you ok, Zac?" Jett asked.

"Yeah, no problem," I said, returning to reality. The game had ended almost thirty minutes before, and we had made our way to a great restaurant called Swiss Chalet. I almost didn’t remember how we had gotten there.

"You've been quiet almost the whole time we’ve been here in Toronto," Scott said. "Something eating you?"

Damn, Scott. If you only knew…

"Nothing’s eating me. I just can't believe we're here." I could tell they didn’t buy it. "Actually, I gotta go to the washroom."

With that I got up and walked away. I heard Shin say, "I think he might have diarrhea." I couldn't help but smile.

I splashed some cold water on my face while I tried to force my mind to empty itself of everything.

This is my birthday, dammit! I can't act like this in front of the guys. This is supposed to be our day. Forget about everything. Just have fun.

I heard the door open. Jett walked in with a grim face.

"So, you going to tell me what's up?

"Nothing is up!" I almost yelled, emphasizing the words.

"Ok, man. Whatever you say," he whispered, looking at the mirror as he fixed his sleeves. "It's just that you've been acting weird ever since we left the hotel."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I asked angrily.

"You tell me. This isn’t like you. You've been waiting all week for this. You were okay for a while, but then all of a sudden you started to act like you don’t want to be around us." He let out a heavy sigh. "It’s like you’re forcing yourself to come along."

"That's not it!" I desperately told him.

It's not you guys. It's me.

"Then tell me… what the fuck's going on? Shit, man, you're starting to scare me."

"It's nothing."
"Fuck that. Don’t give me that shit. I've known you for a long time. You know I'm solid for you. Why can't you trust me?" His voice was strained.

"Oh no, don't pull this on me. I told you this is nothing. So just drop it. Just go out there and pretend like this never happened and just have fun," I said, forcing a tight smile. I bit my bottom lip, trying to hold everything in.

"Pretend? You want me to pretend that nothing is tearing up my best friend? How the fuck am I supposed to have fun when you're looking so hurt and rejected? No. You're going to tell me right now what this is all about," Jett demanded.

The anger drained out of me. I swore I wasn't going to force this onto them.

All I’d do is hurt them. I can’t look at them. I can’t face Jett.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, "I can't… just leave me alone."

I bolted out of the washroom. I nearly knocked over a serving lady as I left the restaurant. I heard Shin and Scott call out my name, but I ignored them.

Where am I going? Where am I headed? What am I to do? Why am I gay? Does God hate me so much that he had to make me what I am?

I ran and ran. I knocked into a couple of people as I turned corners, but I didn't care. The sidewalk was flooded with people, making me feel confined. I had to get away.

I turned into an alley, trying to get away from the noise and the crowd. I wanted to be alone. I was tired. I can’t help who I am. Why is it so painful?

The alley was dark. It was around nine o’clock, and I couldn't see what was ahead of me.

Is this where I'm supposed to be? Alone in darkness? It isn’t fair. I had so much faith in them. Today was the day. We were going to go back to the hotel and talk a bit. Then I was going to tell them I had something important to say. I was going to tell them, tonight. But with what's happened… with Scott's reaction, I can't do it!

"FUCK! Why the hell did this have to happen now?!" I yelled at an abandoned building as I kept walking.

I sat down on the cold ground and tried to control my feelings. I suddenly felt scared. I should have avoided these alleyways. Anything could happen out here. I stood up and started back towards the entrance to the alleys. As I turned a corner my path was blocked. Five bodies stood in front of me.

"Bad night to be out in this part of the city. Most tourists don't come into these parts. Their mothers teach them to avoid dark alleys," the guy in the middle taunted.

I was beyond scared. I was frustrated and angry. I was tired and I didn’t feel like being picked on.

"I don’t have a fucking mother, you piece of shit. Get out of my way," I demanded as I walked towards them.

I didn't see it coming. A fist hit my face. I was on the ground and hurt. I snapped. My adrenaline was pumping. I sprang up and rushed at them. I’m not a bad fighter. No one picks on me, because I can fight. But five against one was too much. Anger and frustration clouded my senses. I felt every punch and kick that came from two of the guys who took me on. I nailed one in the stomach but he quickly recovered and grabbed a metal pipe that was leaning against a wall. He attacked me as I raised my arms to block my face. The pipe smashed into my left arm. The pain was major. I yelled out as I cradled my arm. It wasn’t broken… at least I hoped it wasn’t.

The one who seemed to be the leader walked up to me and grabbed me by the shirt.

"What the fuck is so great about this little piece of shit now?" the boy sneered towards his buddies.

My mouth decided to talk for me before I could think of a reply, "Fuck you, asshole. You better let go of me ‘cause I'm seriously going to fuck you up."

The guy let out a laugh before he pulled his fist back and hit me with a roundhouse right. My mind went blank. There was total silence except for the faint sound of my body hitting the ground.

I thought I heard voices, but I ignored them. I lay on the ground in pain. I slowly opened my eyes and saw them. My friends. Shin and Scott were fighting the guys. Shin was on the back of one trying to take him down. Scott was pushing three of them aside, trying to get to me. One of them kneed him in the stomach. Jett was nowhere to be seen. I tried to get up but the leader had his foot on my back, grinding my body into the pavement. I let out a yell of pain as I tried to break free.

My friends… they're being hurt because of me. I have to get them out of here.

I watched as the guy Shin was on tossed him against the side of the building and punched him in the stomach. The guy took a step back and kicked him across the face. Then he stepped back up to Shin and kicked him again. Shin wasn't moving. I cried out for him. The three other guys had Scott. He fought viciously, trying to break away from them, but he couldn't.

I watched as a figure ran up and kicked one of the three guys. Scott broke free and limped his way to Shin. The foot on my back finally lifted off, but delivered another blow to my side before running towards the figure.

"Get out of here… now!"

The words woke me up. It was morning. My head still hurt, and I felt like shit. The sun shone through a window and greeted my eyes. The day was bright, the sky was blue, and the birds were singing. I was in a hospital bed. Kayden's head was resting on the side of the bed. I reached out and gently stroked his hair.

Who are you, Kayden? Why am I so scared to know?

I stroked his hair while he slept. I tried to remember the moment I had fallen asleep. Was that a kiss? Or was I dreaming? I didn’t care. I was content at the moment. I wished this moment would freeze in time. Something told me the day was going to get a lot worse.

END OF CHAPTER 3

Thanks for the support, guys. There are some things in this chapter that remind me of what I could have lost. Some emotions that the characters go through, their torment and pain, are representations of events from my life. No, I didn't get attacked in an alley. I added a lot to this story to make it interesting. However, thoughts and emotions are real. If you have any questions, comments or concerns, please forward them to me at Ryan_Kayden@Rogers.com. Special thanks to Dewey for editing my work.

Copyright © 2003, 2004 Ryan Keith

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