A Special Place

By Sequoyah Pendor

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(Parts Fifty-one - Fifty-nine)


Part Fifty-one

Mary Kathryn

        Every three days I got a general e-mail from Michael, written to the whole Fellowship. He was having a grand time. He wrote about his talks with the Abbot, working, playing and the services. He also said he was learning much about prayer which he was anxious to share with all the Fellowship. In the personal letters, he told me how happy he was, how excited about the future and never once mentioned what I wanted to hear about--his decision about the priesthood. I had once written to ask him about it, but thought better of it and deleted the question before I sent the e-mail. I guess Michael's not talking about the priesthood was ok because I didn't say very much about what I had observed about clergy wives. I mean, they were just like any other bunch of people. Some were great and one at least was an asshole.
        I had always thought Bill was the most outgoing person I knew--well, Jacob equaled him--but I had never seen him as alive as he was the second week, during third and fourth grade camp, except maybe on the basketball court. The kids--boys and girls--worshipped him and he was truly amazing as he worked with them. He became a kid himself, but at the same time was very much the adult among his campers. His cabin was teamed with mine and we often did things together so I got a chance to really know him.
        It was also obvious to me that Linda's and his relationship was growing in depth every single day. They often took a walk together after supper and while the whole camp was engaged in a common activity which did not require that all counselors be present. Linda had told me they had discovered a glade with a brook some distance from the camp and the camp trails. "It's a great place to talk and make love--no, not yet," she had quickly added.
        Thursday afternoon, the central staff had arranged to take the campers into town for a movie which fit the camp theme. Counselors were told they had the afternoon off, but any who would volunteer to help shepherd the group were more than welcome. Linda and Bill had said at lunch they were torn two ways. They wanted the afternoon to themselves, but felt they needed to help out. "Look, has the central staff ever given us any real slack?" I asked. "If they wanted us all to go, we would have been told to go. If they have some hidden agenda concerning who is and who is not responsible, then I don't accept it. We have all done a good job and they have to know that. I'm going simply because I have nothing else I'd rather do. I think you two are crazy if you don't stay here."
        When it was time to leave, Bill and Linda marched their campers into the staging area and Bill asked, "You'll keep a special eye out for my boys?"
        "Promise. You two enjoy the glade," I added with a grin.
        Bill gave me that smile that sends Linda into seventh heaven and said, "You better believe it," as he and Linda, holding hands, walked away. As the bus pulled out of the camp area, I saw Bill and Linda walking toward the glade. Bill had a blanket over his arm and the two were walking without looking where they were going since they were gazing into each other's eyes.
        The movie was nothing special, but the kids enjoyed it while I daydreamed through it all. I was imagining that Michael and I, instead of Bill and Linda, were in a forest glade beside a brook.
        As we were loading a bus to get back, I heard one of Bill's campers say, "I know Bill will be proud of us. We were the best-behaved cabin." He was right.

Linda

        While the bus was loading, Bill had gone to his cabin for a blanket and as the bus pulled out, we walked down the trail toward the glade. It was a beautiful, sunny afternoon and it was good to be alive--even better to be alive with my man walking beside me, holding my hand and giving me a gentle, soft kiss from time to time.
        We left the trail and walked through the woods. There was life all around us. I could hear small animals scampering away, there were birds overhead and in the distance I heard the pounding of a woodpecker. As we approached the glade, Bill suddenly stopped and placed his hand over my mouth, then pointed. A doe and her fawn were standing in the center of the glade. We watched them for several minutes, then the wind changed and they caught our scent and bolted into the forest.
        We walked into the glade where there was a bright spot of sun and Bill spread the blanket on the ground, dropped to it and pulled me to himself. The day we discovered the glade Bill had said, "One day I'm going to make love to you--all of you, heart, mind, body and soul--here".  We had talked about having sex almost from the time we got together. Bill had made it very clear that he was not inexperienced in that department, but had also said it had always just been fucking. "There was never any real love involved," he had told me. "Don't get me wrong, I liked it and I miss it, but that's not what I am about with you." And he had meant that.
        We had been together for a while before I told Bill I had also had sex before. Last year I was with a guy for a month or two and we had sex twice. "Believe me, Bill, it was nothing special."
        Bill and I had many really hot make-out sessions since we got together and there were many times I was ready to go all the way. It had always been Bill who had backed off. Sometimes I was pissed when he did. He had me so hot I was ready to go gangbusters and he would back off. I even asked him once if there was something wrong with me. He had said, "No, Baby, that's the problem. Everything is right with you and our first time together has to be right too.
        I knew the time would come and I had gotten myself on birth control several weeks ago. At least any time was the right time so far as I was concerned. I told Bill that and he had said, "Thanks, Baby". Well, we were alone in the spot Bill had picked, but we just sat talking--well, actually, it was very strange for me because I sat listening while Bill talked. He told me all sorts of funny things that had happened with "my boys", and how much he enjoyed being with them. "They are young and innocent and so full of life. I can just forget everything except enjoying being alive when I am with them."
        "Well, I like that," I said and pounded him on his hard arm.
        "You know what I mean," he laughed as he kissed me. "I never forget about you, day or night." His kiss led to another and then more and more. We were lying side by side, our legs intertwined, as our love-making became more intense. Bill reached out and took off my shirt, unhooked my bra and started kissing my breasts. As he looked into my eyes, his hand covered a breast as he said, "Linda, I love you, girl. I really truly love you. You know that, don't you?"
        I answered by covering his mouth with mine as I unbuttoned his shirt. I have a thing about men's bare chests and a special thing about Bill's. It is hard, well-defined and smooth. His nipples are beautiful brown circles which are enough to make me want to eat him alive. When his shirt was off, I pulled his body atop mine and our bare chests met. I swear a bolt of electricity shot though my body as I felt his nipples against my breasts. My hands found the snap on his shorts and I unsnapped them and reached inside. My hand found what I was seeking. Bill's man's tool was wet and, as I grasped it, he groaned as he raised his hips and I slid his shorts from his long, strong legs.
        Bill rolled to one side and I saw all my man's hard body beside me. He pulled my face to his and placed his lips against mine in a passionate kiss as his hands unbuttoned my shorts and took them from my body. We lay side by side, admiring the beauty and wonder of the one we loved. As I looked deeply into his eyes, I saw a question. My own eyes gave him his answer, "Yes". Bill's hand moved down my body, leaving a trail of tender touches until it found the soft hair surrounding my womanhood. He then touched lightly that spot which gives a woman great pleasure. As my hands explored his hard body, my lips covered his. When he touched that special place, I sucked his tongue deep into my mouth and took his manhood into my hand and an orgasm shot through my being.
        Bill's love-making was ever so gentle and tender, his eyes telling me of his love, not lust. Unlike the boy with whom I had sex last year, Bill was in no rush. He was not all over me, but caressing my body, rubbing his face against mine, loving me. Again, I looked into his eyes and saw a question and, again, my answer was "Yes". Bill entered me slowly, gently, lovingly. As his manhood entered me, it filled an emptiness I had not known was there. I felt complete, loved, joyous. Having entered me fully, Bill was very still. I, too, lay still, enjoying the fullness I had not felt before. When he began, slowly, to move I thought I would pass out as wave after wave of pleasure and love filled my body. Another orgasm consumed me as Bill's thrusts became long and deep. He was moaning, "Linda, I love you, God I love you. I love your body, being united with you." His breathing was becoming heavy and his thrusting faster when, suddenly, his body shook and I felt his seed pouring into me. His pulsing sent another orgasm coursing through my body as I crushed his lips against mine. Careful not to put his full weight on me, he collapsed atop my body, his manhood still inside. His breathing gradually returned to normal and he started kissing me tenderly as I felt his now-limp manhood slip from me.
        We again lay side by side, our legs interlocked, our arms about each other. Finally, he withdrew an arm and raised himself on an elbow and looked into my eyes. His were aglow, and he had that special "light up Linda's world" smile on his face. "Linda, you have made me so happy. I, now, for the first time, know what real making love is like and it is a thousand times more than I dreamed."
        "Bill, I love you so much and you have shown me what it is to make love and to be made love to. And, yes, it is a thousand times more than I had dreamed it would be, and I have dreamed of it often!" I laughed and then kissed my lover, the love of my life.
        We lay, naked, in the sunlight, silent, each just enjoying the presence of the other and the feel of our two bodies touching. As we lay silent, the doe and her fawn ventured in the glade, looked at us and turned and walked away. "She came to give us her blessing," I said to Bill who looked at me and smiled.
        Well, we were two nearly-eighteen-year-olds in love, so what might have been predicted, happened: we made love again. There was no rush and everything we did leading up to Bill entering me a second time was beautiful and loving.
        Too soon it was time to go. We had spent all afternoon in the glade and I could have stayed forever. When I said that to Bill, he smiled and said, "Lin, there are other places and other times. This was just the beginning of our making love." We dressed and, holding hands, walked out of the glade. When we were at its edge, we turned and looked back. The sun was still lingering on the spot where we had been united and consummated our love.
        When we got back to camp, the kids had not returned and there was no-one else in evidence. Bill looked at me with an evil grin on his face, grabbed my hand and raced toward the bathhouse. When we reached it, he pulled me into the men's showers with him and we had a wonderful time washing each other's body. When we heard the bus come into the camp, we grabbed towels, quickly dried and dressed, and raced to the area where the kids were piling off the bus. When Mary Kathryn walked up to us, she smiled and said, "I think I detect a glow about you two I haven't seen before".
        "Might well be," Bill said.
        Later, as we were walking to the cabins after the day was over, Mary Kathryn said, "Well?"
        I knew there was no use playing games with Mary Kathryn, but all I said was, "Mary Kathryn, never, never, ever do anything that would not make your first time with Michael special. It is magic, pure magic." Mary Kathryn smiled and said nothing.
        Saturday, Bill left for basketball camp and I knew I would miss him. We hadn't had an opportunity to make love--I mean beyond some heavy making out when we could escape the campers and staff--but, as he got in his car, he said, "Love you, Lin, see you next weekend. I'll leave basketball camp as soon as I can Saturday and pick you and Mary Kathryn up. I don't have to be back in basketball camp until Sunday night.
        It didn't turn out that way since his camp's director had arranged a couple games between camps for the weekend so all I got was a phone call. Dad came to pick up Mary Kathryn and me.
        After a week with middle school girls, we were both convinced that was where we should be headed. Middle schoolers have so much trouble being adults and children at the same time that they are always interesting.
        By the way, Mary Kathryn had met more clergy wives and was finally convinced she could handle being one since, as she said, all it took was being yourself.
        We got home late Sunday afternoon and had decided we would volunteer to work with the day camp at St. Mary's while we were waiting for Michael and Bill to get back.
        Bill got back the following Saturday and we spent a good part of Saturday night at the falls. Our first time had been special, but so was our second time in that special place. Sunday, after church, Bill and I invited Mary Kathryn to go to Lexington with us to hang out at the mall, have dinner and take in a movie. Afterwards, she stayed over with me and we went to St. Mary's as usual Monday morning. Bill came by and was immediately roped into helping with the day camp. Needless to say, he headed for the third and fourth graders group.

Michael

        I was in my last week at the Abbey. I had really missed Mary Kathryn, but I had also really enjoyed my stay. I had loved working, playing and, yes, praying with the monks. My talks with the Abbot had covered just about every topic under the sun except one. We had not talked about my becoming a priest. It just hadn't seemed important for some reason.
        My e-mails to the Fellowship were about what I had been doing, but mostly about what I had been thinking. The Fellowship kept me posted on what was going on with them. I was sorry to hear Millie had had an accident, but couldn't help but laugh when I read how it had happened. I was interested in the direction Paula and Jacob seemed to be headed. It sounded good. I did some worrying about Matt as I read between the lines about his roommate. Eugene had decided--encouraged by Larry--to go to band camp for two weeks after the trial was over.
        I got a real kick out of Mary Kathryn's discovery that priests' wives were just like regular people. She had said Linda's and Bill's relationship had deepened greatly. Luke had written about a girl's attempt to seduce him, but then they had become great friends. All in all, things seemed well.
        The Saturday before I was to leave, the Abbot sent word he wanted to see me. When I reached his office he said, "Michael, you will be leaving Monday after Mass. I will not be here. I'm leaving this afternoon to do some work with a parish in Chicago and I wanted to see you before I left. You've lived here a month and we have talked about everything except the reason you thought you came here. Have you made a decision?"
        "Father, I don't think I am any closer than the day I arrived. I have learned a lot. I see theology and religion--and you know what I mean by that--much clearer but, no, I haven't made a decision. That's not quite right, I have made a decision--maybe just strengthened my decision--to strive to be a spirit man, but how? I don't know.
        "Good. You have two more years of high school and four years of college before seminary should you choose to become a priest. Those should be years of exploring, wondering, thinking, living. If it is intended you should be a priest, you'll know it. I don't mean you'll see writing in the sky or anything like that. Nor, I suspect, will it be a choice like deciding whether to become a doctor or lawyer. You'll know. There's something special about you, something I don't understand and have never experienced before, but it's there and you will know. We--I--will miss you around here. I said when you came you would be a breath of fresh air and you have been. I only hope you have received as much as you have given." He stood and so did I. As I stood, he walked toward me and hugged me. I then knelt and he placed his hand on my head and blessed me. It just seemed so natural.
        I woke up early Sunday morning--long before time--with a strange feeling. Something was wrong but I didn't know what. I went back to sleep and had very disturbing dreams--but when I woke up I couldn't remember them. I went to Mass and prayed that all was well with the family and the Fellowship--but all day I was haunted with a feeling of uneasiness.
        After Mass Monday, Brother Gregory and Brother Anselm took me to the airport for my flight home. When I reached the hub, my flight had been cancelled because of fog and I couldn't get a flight until mid-afternoon. I phoned home and Yong Jin answered the phone. "Everything all right?" I asked, with a strange feeling it wasn't.
        "Everything's under control," she said. I told her my flight had been delayed and she said someone would meet me in Jackson.

Greywolf

        "Transportation is quickly becoming a problem," I thought as I got ready to go pick up Luke in Jackson. Michael had been due shortly after I was to pick up Luke, but his plane had been delayed and wouldn't arrive until early evening. From my conversation with Taequo, I was sure Luke didn't need to hang around Jackson waiting for him, and all the Fellowship were scattered to the four winds. David and Margaret were both on duty and Yong Jin needed to be with Matt. Finally, I called Fr. Tom and he volunteered to pick up Michael. With that settled, I took off for Jackson.
        I had been waiting a very short time before the eighteen-wheeler pulled into the parking lot. Taequo sent Luke on an errand and, in the short time we had, said, "Greywolf, we don't have time to talk but I can tell you Luke is in bad shape. I don't think he has any idea how serious it is. You know he has power?" I nodded. "There is a struggle going on to destroy that in him. Don't let it happen."
        I caught sight of Luke out of the corner of my eye and said, "Here's my phone number. When you get a chance, give me a call."
        "I'll call when I stop for the night." He hugged Luke and left.
        Luke said nothing for a long time after we got in the car. It was going to be a long trip, I thought. Finally he said, "Greywolf, did Taequo tell you?"
        "Tell me what?"
        "What I did."
        "No, he just said you were hurting."
        "I am, but I don't think I can talk about it. That's strange because yesterday and last night I talked to Taequo and two of his friends and felt better."
        "Sometimes it's easier to talk to someone we have just met than to someone we know," I said.
        "I hadn't thought about that, but it's true. On my way down to Sarasota I sat beside Janet, a girl who was going to Ringling too, and I told her everything."
        "Luke, when and if you are ready to talk to me I am here, otherwise, I'll ask you nothing."
        Again we were both silent for a long time. I looked sideways at Luke and saw tears running down his face. "Greywolf, I have betrayed Matt. I was unfaithful." The words started tumbling out and the tears flowed freely. Luke talked without stopping until we had passed Lexington. When he became silent again, I looked at him and saw that his talking had not helped him. He was obviously miserable. Before I could say anything Luke said, "Greywolf, please keep all that between us. Maybe I will tell someone else but not now and, please, please don't tell Matt."
        "It's safe with me," I said, "but I think you should talk to Matt."
        "Greywolf, I am not sure I will ever be able to face Matt again, much less talk with him." I started to say something about their love and the power it had, but didn't. At that point I think Luke was unable to hear it.
        When we passed my place, Matt's Jeep was in the drive. Luke was carefully not looking in the direction of our house and I said nothing.
        When Luke reached his place, he spoke to Margaret and David briefly and went upstairs. "I hope you won't leave him alone tonight," I said. "He is a very sick young man--emotionally." Margaret nodded and said, "I'll check on him later. Jens and Gabrielle have taken care of things in Florida and will be back tomorrow. I had to give Matt a very strong sedative and David and Yong Jin took him home. He, too, is an emotional wreck. My heart bleeds for both of them, but right now I don't think there is anything we can do." I agreed and left for home.
        Yong Jin met me at the door and started crying. "Greywolf, our baby is hurting so bad. He blames himself for everything that has happened."
        I went upstairs and saw my Beloved Treasure lying on his bed in a fetal position and, even in his sleep, sobbing.
        Taequo called a couple hours later and we talked at length. He asked me if Matt knew that Luke was special, that he had power. I told him about what had happened with Michael and the fact that Matt had Korean shaman ancestors as well as Lakota ones.
        "Then you know that both are in great danger. Twice their power has almost led to death--twice Luke has attempted to take his life, and if he dies much of who and what Matt is dies as well. It is going to take powerful medicine to prevent their power being taken from them."
        "I know. And I will do all in my power to protect them. And they have protectors, else why would you have been there to save Luke?"
        "I have thought about that. I shouldn't have been. I should have taken a different route that night but, when the highway forked, I took that route and only after I was on it did I realize I hadn't intended to be. I will be in touch and if you need to contact me, give me a call." He gave me his cell phone number and we said goodbye.
        The next morning I checked on Luke and Margaret said he had waked up screaming and she had given him a sedative and he was still asleep. "What are we going to do, Greywolf?"
        "We are going to wait. There is little else we can do right now. Tonight we will all be home. Maybe we can make some decisions then, but I think it is really out of our hands. Does Mary Kathryn know, or what does she know?"
        "All I told her was that Luke had decided to come home and was not well. I suggested she not try to see him so she went on to St. Mary's. David is off today and is going to pick up Jens and Gabrielle. We asked Fr. Tom to have Michael stay over with him last night under the pretence of their having a talk this morning. Fr. Tom will tell him, briefly, what has happened and suggest he might want to stay with Mary Kathryn at the day camp until she is ready to come home. Frankly, Greywolf, I feel in over my head."
        "So do I," I replied.

Luke

        When I got home, the whole mess I had created piled on me again. I was hardly civil to David and Margaret and didn't even ask about Mom and Dad and why David and Margaret were at our place. I went to my room and flopped on my bed and cried until I was so exhausted I fell asleep. As soon as I was asleep, I had the same nightmare--Rich had his cock up my ass and I was screaming for him to fuck me. I screamed so loudly I woke myself up and dissolved into tears again. Once again I fell asleep and the same nightmare returned. This time my screaming was loud enough to be heard downstairs and Margaret came up and tried to comfort me, but I could not be comforted. Finally she gave me a shot and I sank into blackness--no dreams, no nightmares, nothing.

Margaret

        Tuesday night there was a family meeting at our place. The whole family was there except Luke and Matt. No-one wanted to leave them alone so we called on our old standbys, Chelsea and Gladys. Jens had told them briefly what had happened and asked if they could come to stay with the two. "There will be no need to do anything since neither will get out of bed. They just lie there in a fetal position and cry from time to time. Margaret will leave shots should they be needed. Luke seems to have nightmares which terrify him, but Matt just lies there." Of course they were there in minutes, Gladys at Luke's, Chelsea at Matt's bedsides.
        When we had eaten--sandwiches and not much of them--Jens and Gabrielle told us what they had found out. "From what Douglas and Janet told us, we can pretty much guess what we don't know. Matt had written Luke an e-mail which Luke had only partially read, getting the impression Matt and his roommate at Sewanee had engaged in sexual activity--mutual masturbation. Luke became angry and accepted an invitation from his teacher to go to a gay night club where he had gone the week before. Luke had a fake I.D. and had gotten drunk the week before, but Saturday night he really tied one on. They went back to the teacher's apartment--the teacher is gay--and here I'm just assuming--where Luke and the teacher engaged in sex--one way or another. Luke went back to the dorm and discovered a printed copy of Matt's e-mail and realized that Matt had called a halt before he and his roommate had actually completed what the roommate started. Realizing Matt had not been unfaithful to him, but he had been unfaithful to Matt, Luke ran away and was caught just before he drowned himself. Now both are blaming themselves for what happened. I don't think there's even a question of forgiving each other because both see the other as innocent. Well, Matt may not see Luke as innocent, but sees himself as the cause of Luke's being unfaithful--which amounts to the same thing. It's one hell of a mess."
        There was a lot of talk, but no-one had a clue as to what could be done. Michael finally said, "Look, it's something they are going to have to resolve. Maybe we can help, but they have to resolve it. I think anything we try to do will only backfire." I knew he was probably right, but I didn't like to hear it said.
        "Margaret, how long can they go on as they are?" Yong Jin asked.
        "Longer than I like to think," I responded. "But I'd say if there is no change in a day or so, then we'll have to take some action. Right now, I think we can just help when they are overcome by their demons--I mean sedation." And that was the way it was left.
        There was no change in the two Wednesday. Both stayed curled up in bed, getting up only to go to the bathroom. I hoped they were at least drinking water when they went. Thursday, when I checked mid-morning, there had been no change. Matt slept, now crying in his sleep, and Luke had to be sedated to keep the nightmares away. I decided that unless there was a change Saturday morning, I was going to hospitalize them.

Yong Jin

        Margaret had said that if there was no change in the boys Saturday she was going to hospitalize them. Well, there was no change in Matt when I checked on him when I got up. I couldn't see how he had any tears left, but he was curled into a knot in the middle of his bed, with tears rolling down his cheeks. He was asleep, but still crying. Since I didn't know what to say, I said nothing, but thought, "Sarang Hanun Pomul, I would take your place if I could take the hurt away," and went back downstairs. Matt hadn't spoken since Monday night when Margaret had given him a shot other than to whisper, 'It's my fault, Luke, it's my fault." Luke, so far as Gabrielle knew, had not spoken at all.
        I went downstairs and took the cup of coffee Greywolf handed me. His eyes asked a question and I just shook my head. We sat in silence then Greywolf looked up as if he had heard something, got up and walked to the front door. I heard him speak some words in what I was sure was Lakota and when he came back into the kitchen, he was accompanied by an ancient Indian. Without being told, I know it was Red Hawk, the medicine man who had helped Greywolf overcome being abused. No wonder he looked ancient. He had to be over a hundred, I was sure. Greywolf handed him a cup of coffee and he sat down.
        I don't know what I expected--movie Indian language I guess, but after Greywolf introduced us, he spoke beautiful, if amusing at times, English with the lilt of a Lakota. "The gray wolf came to me in a vision Monday," he said, "and told me to come".
        "How did you find us?" I asked.
        He laughed, "The gray wolf told me. Well, actually, he told me to go to the library and use the internet. Not many Patanka St. Michael Greywolfs so it was easy. Getting here was the problem. I am a warrior 'most all the time, but this Indian is not getting on a plane. So tell me, Greywolf, why am I here?"
        Greywolf told him the situation and of his conversation with Taequo. When he finished, Red Hawk said, "So we have two medicine men who don't know it..."
        "Not sure about that," Greywolf interrupted and told him about Michael.
        "...who have power and were led to use it, but not understand it. They are linked and, when separated, the no-good spirits can get at them. Greywolf, you never have given me an easy task. This is going to be tough. Mrs. Greywolf, you might whip up some bacon and eggs 'cause I'm going to need to eat," he laughed.
        Eat he did. And after a few more cups of coffee, he said, "Well, I guess I need to earn my keep. The gray wolf told me there was a sacred place here."
        "I know," Greywolf said. I looked at him in surprise and he merely shrugged.
        "I'll need a sweat lodge there this evening. There's another young man around here somewhere who has received power from Matt. Now that's a strange kid, Mrs. Greywolf..."
        "Yong Jin, please," I said.
        "Korean, right?" he asked. I nodded. "Thought so. Shaman family?" I nodded again. "That's what the gray wolf told me, but I didn't believe him. He likes to play tricks on this old Indian sometimes. That's why Matt can give power to others--the Korean shaman side, I mean. Greywolf, he's to help you build the sweat lodge--the other one I mean, Michael. Yong Jin, call that doctor and tell her I'm here and no drugs for Luke today. Also, we're going to need one hell of a supper about 10:00 tonight. Right now I'm going to take a nap. Can't sleep on a damn bus." With those words, he went into the living room and curled up on the floor and was asleep in thirty seconds or less. It was then that I noticed a large pack he had left by the front door.
        "It's going to be a long day," Greywolf said, "but it will be a great one."
        Greywolf called Michael and told him they had a job to do, kissed me and walked out the door. As he left, I thought to myself, "I wonder if living with Patanka St. Michael Greywolf will ever get dull?" then shook my head because I knew it wouldn't, even when we were as old as Red Hawk.

Michael

        I was still asleep when Greywolf called. Mom yelled upstairs the phone was for me. "Holy shit, who's calling me before God and I got up? It was as bad as being at the Abbey. That early morning business," I thought, "was about the only thing I had really disliked--well, there was washing the pots and pans in the kitchen too." I picked up the phone, dropped it and, when I had retrieved it, said, "Hello".
        "Michael, what are you doing in bed? The lark is on the wing, day is at hand," I heard Greywolf say.
        "Greywolf, you commune with the frigging larks, I'm communing with my bed."
        Greywolf laughed and then sounded very serious when he said, "Michael, you and I have a job to do today, an important one. Can you come over in, say, an hour?"
        "Of course I can, Greywolf," I answered, wondering what this important job could be, "if it's important. What's so important?"
        "Think I'll wait and let someone else explain. Sharpen up a hatchet and bring it. See you in an hour."
        I was still half asleep and almost turned over and went back to dreamland but, just before I did, dragged myself out of bed, went downstairs and told Mom and Dad what Greywolf had said.
        It was Dad's turn to do breakfast and it was about finished, but he added more bacon to the skillet and broke three or four more eggs since I would be eating. As he worked at getting breakfast ready, Mom was sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee. I grabbed a cup and joined her. "Why are you up so early?"
        "It's Greywolf. He said we had an important job to do today, but wouldn't say what it was. Said someone else would tell me later. Don't you know what is going on?"
        "No. I called a few minutes before he did to check on Matt and Luke. Greywolf said both were the same--he had talked to Jens who is really beside himself--but that the boys weren't going to the hospital today and asked me to come by after work to discuss what was going on. He was pretty mysterious about it."
        We ate and Mom and Dad left for work. I showered--still hadn't shaved and had a good start on a beard, of course it was so blond it didn't show up very well, but Mary Kathryn loved it--and got dressed. I went to the workshop and checked the hatchet. As always it was already sharpened. Dad was not really rigid about most things, but taking care of tools wasn't one of them. His tools were always where they were supposed to be and in good shape.
        I decided to run to the Greywolfs' since I wasn't getting much running in, but thought better of it when I looked at the hatchet, but I did walk.
        When I opened the door and walked in, there was an old--and I mean old--Indian lying on the living room floor. As soon as I stepped inside he sat up, wide awake, and said, "Good morning, Michael, glad you could come". I knew Greywolf might have told him something about me, but how did he know my name? How did he know who I was? As if in answer, he said, "Oh, I know a lot about you Michael. The gray wolf told me. I'm Red Hawk."
        We walked into the kitchen and Greywolf said, "Red Hawk, this is..."
        "I know. Michael. I sent for him you know." He sat down at the table and said, "Yong Jin, I'll have another cup of coffee". Yong Jin prepared fresh coffee and Greywolf, Red Hawk and I sat at the table, silent, until the coffee was made and we each had a cup.
        "Michael, you know you share in Luke's and Matt's power, don't you?" I had a feeling there was something which connected me to Luke and Matt more than just being brothers, and at times I had a sense of something strange about myself, but I never thought much about it.
        "I never really thought about it a whole lot," I said.
        "Michael, you know what Matt and Luke did for you. The circle has moved and now it is time for you to help heal them. They are in as much danger as you were, but it's not physical--well, there may be physical results, but it's not physical. Luke would have drowned had his protector not sent someone, but his drowning would have been more than physical. Do you have any idea of what I mean?"
        "Yes," I replied because I did. I didn't know how, but I did.
        "Matt once told you you were a spirit man and you are. You are a real spirit warrior and we have a great battle on our hands. I think maybe we can win, but it's going to be a rough weekend so let's get started. Yong Jin, we will be fasting the rest of the day," he said and got up and walked toward the door headed, I knew, straight to the falls. Both he and Greywolf picked up shovels lying by the front walk and Greywolf handed me a pitchfork. As he handed it to me, I asked, "Could I please just know what the hell is going on? I'm in the dark."
        "Not as in the dark as you think," Red Hawk replied. "You'll know when it is time. There is a time for everything." After that, I kept my mouth shut and we three walked to the falls. When we reached the falls, Red Hawk nodded several times and said, "Yes, this is the place the gray wolf showed me. Now I will pick the spot. Chanting under his breath, he walked around the beach surrounding the falls for several minutes. This whole process got stranger and stranger. Finally he stopped, marked a spot on the ground with his shovel and nodded to Greywolf. He then walked several feet to the east of the spot he had marked and made another mark. "We have found the place. Now it is time to pray by working. The spirits and protectors can't do everything." I was ready to go to work, doing I didn't know what, when Red Hawk sat down and Greywolf and I joined him.
        "Michael, we are holding an inipi--a sweat lodge ceremony--here tonight," Red Hawk said. I had once heard Greywolf describe the inipi, but at the time it was just something Indians did and I hadn't paid that much attention to what he had said. Now Red Hawk explained the ceremony in detail.
        When he finished, I asked, "This is for Matt and Luke?"
        "No, it's for me, you and Greywolf. Matt and Luke are not ready."
        "But who's going to be the gate keeper and the fire keeper?" I asked.
        "I'm not sure, but he will be sent," Red Hawk responded. "Now let's get the lodge ready. Greywolf will take care of the fire pit, I'll construct the lodge and, while I dig the pit for the stones, you are to cut willows. We need eight straight willow saplings at least twelve feet long and another dozen or so eight to twelve feet long. Search for them along the river."
        I walked along the river bank, finding willows of the size Red Hawk had specified. When I had eight long ones, I dragged them back to the falls. When I got back, Red Hawk had dug a pit where he had made the first mark and Greywolf had dug a pit at the second mark. Both men had gathered wood and started a fire in the pit Greywolf had dug and were bringing stones and putting them beside the fire pit. When I returned with the second load of willows, Red Hawk had arranged the eight I had brought previously in a circle and was tying them together to form a dome. He took the ones I was carrying and I helped him tie them to the ribs of the dome, holding it all together. More wood had been added to the fire and it was rapidly becoming a bed of red hot coals. Greywolf appeared, just as we had completed the framework of the dome, carrying several tarps. He and Red Hawk quickly attached them to the framework. When I looked inside I saw that the only light visible was that from the opening where I was standing, where the flap was turned back.
        "I guess that's it," Red Hawk said, "except to add more fuel to the fire". He and Greywolf quickly added more wood to the pit.
        "Time to break for lunch," I said.
        "We're fasting," Red Hawk said. "Remember?"
        "We're fasting?" I asked. Red Hawk smiled and nodded.
        "Time to attend to the two boys," he said. "Greywolf, will you tend the fire until the fire keeper arrives?"
        Greywolf nodded and Red Hawk motioned to me and we walked to the Greywolfs' place. When we arrived, Yong Jin was in the kitchen. "Yong Jin, I need your kitchen," he said. Yong Jin nodded and left. Red Hawk put a pot of water on the stove and, when it was boiling, took several bundles from his pack and placed some from each of them into the boiling water. "Matt and Luke need to be nourished. They haven't eaten in almost a week." When the pot was boiling again, Red Hawk handed me another package and said, "Add this, stir well and, when it has boiled again, take it off the stove, put half of it in a bowl and bring it up". He then went upstairs.
        Shortly after he was gone, I smelled the scent of burning cedar and sweet grass and heard, very faintly, Red Hawk chanting. I did as Red Hawk had told me and took the steaming bowl upstairs. When I opened the door to Matt's room, it was filled with smoke from a bowl of smoldering sweet grass and cedar. Matt was lying on his back, naked, as if he was sleeping peacefully in the middle of his bed. Red Hawk was chanting and waving the wing of a large bird over him, fanning the smoke over his body. Since I hadn't been told to do anything other than bring the bowl up, I just stood holding it. I remembered how hot it had been, but it wasn't burning me. I guess the thick bowl prevented that. I stood, holding the bowl for what seemed like an hour and I know it was at least half an hour. Red Hawk finally stopped chanting, leaned over and blew into Matt's face three times. As he did, Matt slowly opened his eyes. Red Hawk motioned to me and I took the bowl to him. He put his arm under Matt's neck and lifted him into a sitting position. He placed the bowl to Matt's lips and said, "Drink!". Matt started drinking the liquid and might have stopped, but Red Hawk held the bowl to his lips and had his arm firmly around Matt's neck. To tell the truth, Matt had two choices: he could drink or he could have his naked lap filled with hot liquid. He drank.
        The bowl was empty when Red Hawk took it from Matt's lips. When he took his arm from around Matt, Matt started to lie down. "Sit up!" Red Hawk said in a voice that allowed no options. Matt sat. Red Hawk indicated Matt's desk chair and I brought it to him. He placed it by the bed and sat down. He sat, watching Matt, for several minutes and then said, "Ok, you now have something to start you back on the road to being a human being. Go to the bathroom and take a shower. No hot water and no soap, just cold water." When Matt made no move to get up, Red Hawk said, "Do it now!" Matt obeyed.
        While he was gone, Red Hawk opened the windows and allowed the smoke to escape but, of course, the room was still filled with the scent of burning sweet grass and cedar. Matt returned, wet and shivering. "Get a towel," Red Hawk said to me. When I brought one, he dried Matt, rubbing his body vigorously. When he finished he said, "Get dressed". Matt still had not spoken a word, but he got dressed. "Come downstairs with us," Red Hawk commanded. Matt followed us down the stairs. When we reached the kitchen, Yong Jin was there and Red Hawk said to her, "We're fasting, he's eating. Feed him. Matt, you can go where you please except you are not to see Luke until 10:00 tonight when we have dinner, and you are not to speak to him until I say you can." Matt nodded. Red Hawk turned to me and said, "Bring the pot. We have another man to tend to."
        At the Larsens', Red Hawk just walked in the way any member of the family would do, nodded to Gabrielle who had been staying home with Luke, and gave her the pot with instructions to heat it to boiling and pour it into a bowl. "Michael will come for it when it is needed," and, with those words, he went upstairs straight to Luke's room.
        Luke lay on his bed, curled into a fetal position. Occasionally he would cry out, but I didn't understand what he was saying. Red Hawk started chanting as he placed the bowl he had used before on Luke's bedside table and lit braided sweet grass and strips of cedar. As the smoke began to rise from the bowl, he used the bird's wing to fan it over Luke's body. Gradually Luke uncurled, turned to lay on his back and looked as Matt had when I had gone into his room. Red Hawk continued chanting and waving the smoke over Luke, I am sure, much longer than he had over Matt, but finally he gave me a signal and I went downstairs for the bowl. He did exactly the same thing for Luke as he had done for Matt, and got the same results. After telling Gabrielle to feed Luke, and after saying the same thing to Luke as he had said to Matt, we left.
        I started to not ask him what he had done, but I wanted to know. Red Hawk laughed, "Well, I guess I could make up some mumbo jumbo but it's fairly simple. "The chanting and incense were to calm the boys' spirits. Kind of like a Lakota tranquilizer, but more spirit than drug. The liquid had some herbs to make sure their stomachs wouldn't object to food after being empty so long, and a kind of Lakota energy bar soup. They are very weak, but that food will keep a healthy man going for a very long time. There's also a little something to make them hungry so they will eat even if their emotions tell them not to."
        "But neither of them spoke, and you told them they weren't to speak to each other until you said they could. Why's that?"
        "Because they don't want to and don't need to. Right now their words would only wound--themselves and each other. Let's check on the sweat lodge."
        Greywolf was tending the fire which, now, was a huge bed of hot coals. The rocks could not be seen since they were now buried under the coals. Red Hawk answered the unasked question on Greywolf's face, "The boys are up and their mothers are feeding them. They are ok for the time being. Everything looks ready. The fire tender should be arriving soon."
        The words were hardly out of his mouth when an Indian walked out of the cane brake. He was dressed as an Indian, unlike Red Hawk who was wearing a pair of very old jeans and an ancient checked shirt. "Taequo, I knew it would be you who showed up. The gray wolf told me."
        "You old son of a bitch," Taequo said as he hugged Red Hawk. "I was looking forward to a good long weekend of fun and instead I had to hop a plane. You Lakota sure know how to ruin a fellow's playtime."
        "Someone should have ruined some of your playtime years ago so you're having to pay now," Red Hawk laughed. It was obvious the two were old friends and loved each other very much. I never thought you could call someone a son of a bitch and show deep, deep respect, but Taequo had just demonstrated that it could be done.
        Taequo turned to me and said, "Michael, I'm Taequo. I pulled your brother's ass from the brink of destruction but, apparently, didn't complete the job. I am glad to meet you. Understand you just got back from a month with a bunch of monks and walked into this mess. Well, I guess you white folks are just going to have to learn that being a medicine man means you no longer belong to yourself. Hope that wild woman understands because she may as well get used to it."
        I was wondering how Taequo knew who I was--my name and, it seemed, everything about me. Red Hawk said, "Luke told him much of what he knows, but I told him what the gray wolf told me." The old Indian was a mind reader? "No, I just listen when I am told something," he answered again, even as the thought formed in my mind.
        I finally had had enough and said, "Ok, I've gone along with all this and I have seen results, but can I have some answers. For starters, who is this Greywolf guy who has been telling you things. I mean, has Greywolf been talking to you?"
        Taequo laughed and said, "Not a person named Greywolf, but the gray wolf. It's Patanka's and Red Hawk's protector. Probably an ancestor or it may be a spirit gray wolf. Doesn't matter."
        "He came to me in a dream--well, not really a dream, it was a vision, and told me I was needed here and told me the situation pretty much. He also told me about you and your connection with Matt and Luke. You'll never have the power they have, but you have much--very much--and anyone with power can use it for good or bad. There are bad spirits who try to make you doubt your power, use it wrongly or, perhaps worse, deny it and not use it at all. Your brothers may think only they are involved in their present trial, but much more is at stake. Twice the bad spirits have almost destroyed Luke knowing that, if they can, they will also destroy Matt and make your power so weak as to be useless. Yes, much is at stake here. My heart rejoices that you are here, Taequo, my brother," Red Hawk said, and embraced Taequo again. "It will be a good sweat. Let's swim."
        I thought to myself, "I hope to hell Red Hawk doesn't drive the way he makes turns without signaling!" He looked at me, winked, stripped and dived into the water. We all quickly followed suit and I was surprised how refreshing the swim was. Red Hawk, Taequo and Greywolf were acting as if they didn't have a care in the world--strange. At least it was strange until I realized I felt the same way. By the way, don't ever try to duck an old Indian medicine man. I thought I was in good shape, but when we were horsing around, I tried to duck him and he immediately put me ass over head into the water and held me there until I came up spluttering. When I did, he laughed a deep, roaring belly laugh. "Indians one, white man zero," he shouted and laughed again.
        After we had swum for a good long time, we got out of the water and sat in the late afternoon sun. "Ok, now here's what we're going to do," Red Hawk said. "Tonight, Greywolf, Michael and I will do a sweat while Taequo is fire and door keeper. When we finish the sweat, we eat. Tomorrow morning, we greet the sun, swim and get dressed for church."
        "Get dressed for church?" I asked, not believing what I was hearing. "After all this Lakota stuff, we're going to church?"
        "You got a problem with church, Michael?" Red Hawk asked.
        "Well, no, of course not, but I mean you are a Lakota medicine man."
        "I'm also an ex-drunk, a father, grandfather, great-grandfather and maybe a great-great-grandfather. I also happen to have been a damn good Episcopalian since I was a week old or so. Even tried being a monk for a year, but I do love women. Of course, I had to pick one that didn't understand why I should share myself so there were a lot of disappointed, beautiful women when I was young--like sixty or so." He then laughed that great belly laugh. "Anyway, tonight is to purify the three of us and to pray for our own healing as well as for the healing of Luke and Matt. Tomorrow church. We need all the help we can get."
        "You're assuming Luke and Matt will go," I said.
        "They'll go," Taequo said. His voice left little doubt. "That's a worry you can put out of your mind."
        "They'll get fed well tomorrow and fast Monday. Monday night we will do a sweat with them. Greywolf will be fire and door keeper and you, Michael, will do the ceremony. I will be occupied otherwise I fear. Taequo, you will still be here? Taequo nodded. "Good, I think I'm going to need help during the sweat. Michael, I'll teach you the ceremony between now and then. Also, you'll need to bring Mary Kathryn with you because a sweat really does need a woman. Tonight Yong Jin will do the woman's part."
        "Problem," Greywolf said. "Yong Jin is on her moon."
        Once again I felt like a stranger in a strange land and even more so when Red hawk asked me, "How about Mary Kathryn? Is she on her moon?"
        "How the hell would I know. I don't know anything about being on the moon!"
        "The kid has a temper," Red Hawk laughed. "On her moon--you know, having her period."
        "And just how the hell would I know that?" I was still hot under the collar.
        "Sorry, I guess I assumed you two were playing around. If you were, you'd know, especially if she was supposed to be and was not," Red Hawk laughed again. "Check that out for us and let us know. I'll need to instruct her about what to do. "Well," he said, looking at the sky, "we have two hours by the sun before we begin. Taequo, you need to meet Matt and Yong Jin, then Luke and his parents. Greywolf, you need to talk to the Larsens and Andrews. Michael, check on your wild woman. If she's not on her moon, come back in an hour and a half. If she is, maybe Luke's mom can do it, but I rather not. She might be too involved in what's going on with Luke. Yong Jin has enough shaman in her background to put such concerns out of her mind. I'm going to take a nap." Red Hawk immediately stretched out on the sandy beach, still naked, and was asleep before his head hit the sand.
        Taequo went to the Greywolfs' and Greywolf and I headed for the Larsens'. Greywolf stayed downstairs talking with Jens and Gabrielle. As I passed Luke's room, I saw he was stretched out on his bed, looking at the ceiling. I did not disturb him, but went to Mary Kathryn's room. She was sitting on her bed, reading, when I walked in. I walked over, sat beside her and gave her a real kiss. Before things got out of hand, and I knew they could and would quickly--after all, we had been separated a month and now had a mess to deal with--I asked, "Mary Kathryn, are you on your moon?" half expecting her to look at me like I was crazy.
        "No, why do you ask? Afraid I had gotten pregnant while you were gone?"
        I was taken aback a bit and stammered, "No, I hadn't even thought about that. And, frankly, I didn't expect you to know what I was talking about."
        "Well, I'm not, but what difference does it make?" I explained to her there was a part that a woman should play in a sweat lodge ceremony, but could not if she were on her moon and Yong Jin was. "Red Hawk planned to have you do it when we do a sweat for Luke and Matt, but said you could do both. We'll go in an hour or so and he'll give you instructions. Meanwhile..." I was ready for some serious making out but Mary Kathryn said, "I know that having sex before a ceremony is a big no-no. I read that somewhere. I'm not sure if that means heavy making out as well, but I think we need to be on the safe side." I couldn't believe it! Wild Woman was calling a halt before anything got started AND she wasn't making a fuss about our first Saturday night after I got back being involved with something I think very much like priesthood. "Tell me all you know about a sweat." I did and she was listening very intently.
        When it was time to go, Mary Kathryn and I went to the falls. As we walked out of the cane brake, Red Hawk sat up instantly--he had put on his shirt and jeans sometime--and patted the sand beside him, indicating we should sit down. He explained the sweat ceremony to Mary Kathryn--including parts I had missed--and what her part would be. "You will open the lodge because you are woman and hold a position of honor. Only a woman can truly represent White Buffalo Calf Maiden, the strongest of the spirit guides." I had never seem Mary Kathryn so serious, so solemn, as she was as she listened to Red Hawk.
        By the time Red Hawk had finished talking to Mary Kathryn, the sun was down and twilight was upon the falls. As if they knew when Mary Kathryn was ready, Greywolf and Taequo appeared out of the cane brake. While Mary Kathryn prepared the tobacco for the opening of the lodge, the four of us washed in the river. Only Taequo dressed after we came out. Mary Kathryn had the tobacco ready to open the sweat lodge.
        
Part Fifty-two

Michael

        Red Hawk just nodded to Mary Kathryn and she returned his nod and began walking around the fire pit, clockwise, sprinkling the tobacco she had prepared. Completing the circle, she left a trail of tobacco particles as she walked to the sweat lodge entrance, bent, and went inside. I knew she would walk around the stone pit inside, continuing to sprinkle tobacco particles as she circled it clockwise. When she came out of the lodge, she nodded to Red Hawk and walked away from the falls. The sweat lodge was now open and ready.
        Red Hawk filled the peace pipe and offered it to the four directions without lighting it. When he had completed the offering of the pipe, he opened the flap of the sweat lodge and held it open for me and Greywolf to enter. Inside, Greywolf sat across the fire pit from the opening which was to the east. Red Hawk and I sat opposite each other, he to the south, I to the north. As he seated himself, Red Hawk placed the peace pipe on a stand by his side.
        As soon as we were seated, Taequo closed the flap and we were plunged into complete darkness. I knew this was a time of meditation and contemplation as well as a time to grow accustomed to the confinement of the sweat lodge and its darkness. It was also a time when those who felt too uncomfortable could leave--in fact, it is never a disgrace to quietly leave the sweat lodge if it becomes too uncomfortable for any reason. As we entered, I had seen a large pail of water, a dipper, a short stout stick, an eagle's bone whistle and a small hand drum by Red Hawk's place. These, Red Hawk had explained earlier, would be used in the sweat lodge ceremony.
        After several minutes in the darkness, Red Hawk called for the stones to be brought in. Taequo raised the flap and entered with a glowing red-hot stone on a pitchfork. As Taequo held the stone before him, and since it was the first, Red Hawk tapped it with the stick and greeted it in Lakota, "Hau kola" (Hello, friend). The stone was then placed in the stone pit to be joined by others in whose name it had been greeted. Taequo then brought in three more stones and placed them in the pit. The flap was closed. The stones glowed red in the darkness and as I looked at them there seemed to be shapes, figures and images dancing, moving over their surface. As I stared at the stones, Red Hawk started speaking in a soft voice, "This is the first endurance, the endurance of the west, the black direction. It is in the west that the spirits live. In this endurance, we recognize the reality of the spirit world and pray to the Great Spirit, Wakan Tanka, for a spirit guide." Having said this, Red Hawk poured the first dipper of water on the hot stones and steam shot upward, visible in the glow from the stones. Three more dippers of water followed the first and the lodge was filling with steam and getting quite warm. As we sat silent, Red Hawk blew the eagle's bone whistle for a short time and then beat the drum slowly.
        When he stopped, the inside of the sweat lodge was quiet. The water poured on the stones had all become steam. We sat in silence, then Red Hawk started chanting a prayer--in English--and, as he had instructed me, ended each section with, "Hetch etu" (It is so). After the prayers, in which the great spirit guides--Father Sky, Mother Earth, Buffalo Calf Maiden and our relatives who were now spirits--were asked to help us, we introduced ourselves to them--"Oh spirits that come among us within this womb of our Mother, I am Michael, and I am pleased to be here tonight. Hetch etu."
        As I finished my introduction, something flashed across my face. I couldn't see it clearly, but it was some kind of large golden bird--and I knew there was no bird in the lodge. Besides, the bird that flashed across my face was far larger than the lodge. I reflected on the event for several minutes, then just let the silence, darkness and sweat lodge become my world. I don't know how long it was--I lost count of time--before Red Hawk tapped on the lodge flap, and Taequo raised it and welcome cool air rushed in.
        While Red Hawk held the flap open with his stick, Taequo brought in two more glowing red stones and the second endurance, the endurance of the north, began. The second endurance revolved around courage and cleanliness--moral and spiritual cleanliness. Red Hawk appealed to the power of the north for endurance, strength, cleanliness and honesty. He then started pouring dippers of water over the glowing stones until the lodge was filled with steam. "Endurance, cleanliness, strength, purity will keep our lives straight," Red Hawk said quietly, then sounded the whistle and the drum.
        After we had sat in silence for a time--I stared at the dancing images moving across the stones--Red Hawk gave Greywolf and me a sprig of sage each. We repeated after him, "Oh, powers of the universe, I take this herb to become strong and healthy to endure". I chewed on the sage and remembered Greywolf had called it the healing and fortifying herb which can help overcome the bad things of the world.
        As I chewed the sage and thought about enduring--the lodge was very hot and I was sweating profusely--a huge black shape appeared before my face. It seemed to be a great black bird, and I had a sense of evil, of hurt, of bad spirits. Suddenly I felt it bury its talons in my chest and it was all I could do not to scream out. I was saying over and over to myself, "I will endure. I will endure." The pain in my chest was nearly unbearable. I felt myself growing faint when, suddenly, the golden bird from the first endurance appeared and attacked the black shape. As suddenly as it had buried its talons in my chest, the black shape pulled them out and disappeared before the attack of the golden bird, which also disappeared. I was weak, but I had endured. Red Hawk was blowing the eagle's bone whistle as, in the glow of the stones, I saw him handing me another sprig of sage. As I chewed it, he poured another dipper of water on the stones and used the large bird's wing he had used when he was with Matt and Luke--and which he had carried in his right hand as he entered the lodge--to fan the steam over my body.
        Gradually, the world--the steam, the heat, the silence--became ordinary and Red Hawk tapped the flap and Taequo brought in four more glowing stones and refilled the pail with water. The flap was closed and we sat in silence as I, again, watched the dancing images on the surface of the stones. One, which seemed to be a golden eagle, appeared to move from the surface of the stones and rise to stand before my face, its wings spread, protecting me... from what?
        The third endurance was the endurance of the east--the endurance which recognizes and seeks knowledge. It also marked the beginning of prayer for, and by, individuals. Red Hawk poured dipper after dipper of water on the stones. The lodge had seemed filled with steam before, but nothing to compare with its present state. The heat, of course, increased as well. Red Hawk sounded the eagle's bone whistle for a long time and then began to sound the drum slowly. When he stopped, he told us we were to pray for what we wanted out of life, for loved ones and for all else we wished. "End your prayers with 'Hetch etu' so your brother will know when to begin his," he concluded. Seated to Red Hawk's left, Greywolf began. He prayed that he might become a better husband, father, teacher and friend. He prayed for the Fellowship--naming each one--and for the Family in this time of pain and hurt. Then he prayed for me, that I might become the great spirit man I was intended to be. Finally he prayed for Matt and Luke, concluding with, "Hetch etu," and fell silent.
        My chest was stinging and burning--hurting--as I tried to collect my thoughts. The heat was so intense I was sweating profusely and I could have sworn the sweat was stinging and burning wounds on my chest, but it must have been my imagination. I was so absorbed in my pain that I didn't realize I had started praying aloud. Consciously, I prayed that I might be a true friend to the Fellowship, that I would be a warrior for justice, that I would be a good leader for Independence and faithful and loving to Mary Kathryn. I prayed for the Fellowship and that we would all become the fullest possible human beings we could be. Then, and only then, I started praying for Matt and Luke--that they might be healed, that their love for each other would grow stronger. Then I prayed that they would forgive each other and themselves. I was exhausted as I uttered "Hetch etu" and realized, as I said the words, tears were streaming down my face because I was suddenly aware that I could feel, actually feel, their pain. I don't mean I could feel it symbolically or empathetically, but actually. I could feel it, period.
        As their pain invaded my being, the black shape--I could see now it was a huge black bird--once again buried its talons in my chest. Matt's and Luke's pain began to fade as my own took over my world. The talons buried themselves deeper and deeper. "No! No! I will not desert Matt and Luke," I shouted as I tried to beat off the black bird. I was determined not to waver, but the pain kept trying to drive out my feeling Matt's and Luke's pain. In spite of all that was going on, I realized in the back of my mind, Greywolf was blowing the eagle's bone whistle and Red Hawk was sounding the drum, although both seemed to be far, far away. Just when I thought I could endure no more, the great golden bird appeared and, when it did, the black bird tore his talons from my chest and disappeared. So did the golden bird. Suddenly I was back in the sweat lodge. "Strange," I thought, "since I have been nowhere else." I was near fainting when Red Hawk called out and Taequo raised the flap and handed Red Hawk a bucket of fresh water. He took the dipper and poured a dipperful of water over his head and passed the dipper to Greywolf who did the same. Greywolf handed me a dipper of water and, as I poured it over my head, he said, "Your lifeblood of water--your sweat--is mixing with Mother Earth and your lifeblood is mixing with her life-giving spirit". The sweat part I could understand, but the other didn't make sense or maybe I was just too far out of it to understand.
        Taequo brought in yet four more glowing stones and Red Hawk called for the flap to be closed. This began the fourth endurance, the endurance of the south, the endurance for healing. Red Hawk did not blow the whistle or sound the drum this time. Instead, he began a slow chant. As he chanted, he poured four dippers of water over the stones and the lodge was again filled with steam. The heat and steam were more intense than ever as we sat in silence. After a long, long period of silence, Red Hawk prayed, "Oh, Great Spirit, we pray for ourselves in order that we might be healed. Oh, we pray for our brothers, especially Matthew and Luke, that they might be healed. Hetch etu."
        When he finished praying, Red Hawk started chanting again. In the heat and steam of the lodge, I saw a great gray wolf moving as a shadow in the lodge. It was accompanied by a shadowy red hawk. As I contemplated their being there, a great golden eagle came from the glowing stones and spread its wings before my face. As I tried hard to focus on each in turn, they faded from sight. As they did, I realized the steam had subsided as well, indicating that the last endurance had been going on longer than I thought.
        Red Hawk took a splinter of wood and touched one of the stones, which was now glowing dully, and used the resulting fire to light the peace pipe. He took a draw on the pipe, slowly exhaled and passed the pipe to Greywolf, who did the same and passed the pipe to me. Since I didn't smoke, I was surprised that I didn't choke when I inhaled the smoke and then exhaled, but I didn't. I returned the pipe to Red Hawk who replaced it on its stand. Then, without speaking, Red Hawk and Greywolf joined hands and each took one of mine and Red Hawk offered a short prayer concluding with, "God watches over us. Wherever we are, the Great Spirit is. Hetch etu." He then called for Taequo to open the flap and when it was opened, I lead us out, walking clockwise, and we dived into the falls' basin.
        When we had swum for a while, we got out and sat on blankets Taequo had spread around the fire pit. After the stones were removed, he had added fresh wood and the pit was now a nice camp fire, illuminating the area around it. The three men were looking at me intently and, finally, Red Hawk said, "Michael, what happened in the sweat lodge?" The three never took their eyes from me as I sat, trying to think of what to say.
        I'm sure it was only a matter of minutes before I spoke, but it seemed like hours as I tried to collect myself. While I was doing that, I drew my hand across my chest which was stinging and, when I looked at it, there was blood on it. I looked at my chest and saw wounds there, but I couldn't really see them because they were just above my nipples and I couldn't bend my neck enough to see them clearly. I looked at my bloody hand and started telling the three what I thought had happened in the sweat lodge. "But then it was like a dream--maybe a vision--unreal. Well, not unreal, but different." All the time I was talking, the three were nodding.
        When I finished telling all I could, Red Hawk said, "It is as I thought. Michael, you have much more power than I realized. That and the fact that you and Matt and Luke are linked makes all three of you very powerful, but also weak in that if the link is broken, all of you lose power. In the sweat lodge, you did battle with the bad spirit who is trying to break the link and who, at this time, holds power over Luke and Matt. Your spirit protector, the golden eagle, came to you as you did battle. My Son, that seldom happens except on a vision quest, but you received your vision without going on a quest. I suspect you did because you were focused on your brothers and not yourself. Your protector is a powerful one, Golden Eagle--and that is your new name." Then Red Hawk reached into his bag and took out a small mirror and held it before me so I could see my chest. The wounds were closed now, not healed but closed, but I could tell that something had pierced my chest and torn itself free.
        The family was having dinner at the Greywolfs at 10:00 and, since it was 9:30, we all started walking to their place. "Will Matt and Luke be at dinner?" I asked.
        "Oh yes, they will be there, but don't expect them to speak to each other. Red Hawk has told them they are not to speak--well, they can speak so long as they do not speak using words," Taequo answered.
        "Why? Don't they need to talk things out?"
        "Right now they might hurt each other with words or might hide their feelings. Either would be harmful to them, to you and to the whole world. But they will communicate, not in words which can lie or hide things easily, but with their bodies and spirits which cannot," Red Hawk said.
        
Matt

        I had been out of it, really, since I had walked into Luke's house and been told he was missing. I took my escape from reality to new heights, sleeping all the time except to get up, go to the bathroom, drink water like I hadn't had any in days, and go back to bed. Most of the time I was in blessed oblivion and when I wasn't I was weeping because I had driven Luke to do something foolish, but I didn't know what. Foolish? Now I know it was, but I seemed to have no control over my thoughts and certainly not over my emotions. I didn't know how long I had been, for all practical purposes, unconscious but suddenly I recognized the smell of sweet grass and cedar. It brought back memories of the garden blessings and I could almost remember something else. It was just out of my consciousness. I felt peaceful--almost--then I felt a strong wind in my face--three times--and woke up. Well, I wasn't sure I was awake because I saw an ancient Indian standing over me. He held a bowl in one hand and told me to drink it. I felt like Alice in Wonderland, but drank anyway. When I finished drinking the whole bowl of liquid, he ordered me to take a cold shower and dress.
        When I was dressed, we went downstairs--I saw Michael was with him--and he told me I was not to see Luke and when I did see him, not to speak until he said it was ok. Kinda strange, but I never questioned anything he said.
        When he and Michael left, Mom asked what I wanted to eat and I realized I was starved. "Anything and everything," I replied. When I finished eating, I asked Mom about Luke. "Is he safe? What's going on? I have been completely out of it."
        Mom seemed hesitant. So I said, "Look, Mom, I know I have been an emotional wreck. All I know is that Luke is missing. I've got to know about him and I've got to know what I have done and what I must do. Luke is the most important person in the whole world to me. I need to know."
        "Matt, what you say makes sense, but it's not easy to talk about. We have all been beside ourselves, completely helpless over the whole thing, but I guess you're right. You have to know." She then told me everything.
        Well, it didn't make me feel very good. Luke, for the second time, had attempted to take his life because of me--of course, rationally, I knew that it had been his decision but I felt that I was, nonetheless, responsible. I was surprised that when she finished, I wasn't in tears again. Instead I just felt relieved that Luke was alive, and knew that I had to do everything in my power to restore our relationship and, so long as he was alive, that was a possibility. "Mom, I'm going for a drive. I need to do some thinking. But, before I go, could you make me a couple or three sandwiches in case I get hungry?"
        Mom smiled and said, "Matt, you have eaten enough for two people, but I guess you have some catching up to do". She made three sandwiches, placed them with a cold soda in a bag and handed it to me. "Be careful, Matt," she said, kissed me on the cheek, and I left.
        I wasn't sure where I was headed, but I wanted to be alone to think. I knew the falls were off limits then recalled Millie's accident and decided to drive to the river where she had skipped stones. I parked the Jeep and walked to the river bank, sat down and thought about what had happened between Luke and myself. For the first time it became clear to me that the past was the past and how utterly impossible it was to change it. Sure, I had been damn foolish--and, truth be known, a coward--by e-mailing Luke. I should have had sense enough to realize that telling him what happened would have waited until I could have at least talked to him on the phone and, in fact, would have waited until he returned. What was my big rush? Was I trying to prove how strong I was in having resisted Lucas? Maybe. Had I wanted to tell Luke so he would know he could trust me? Maybe. Try as I would, I could never come up with a good reason for having e-mailed him. And what difference would a reason make? I had done it and the results were terrible. But if I spent all my energy in trying to justify or explain why I did what I did, nothing would change and there would be no energy to repair the damage. The past was past.
        Then I remembered the old Indian--Red Hawk, Mom had told me--and wondered how he fit in the picture. I guessed I'd find out sooner or later. I did, finally, remember he was the medicine man who had helped Dad. No wonder he looked ancient, he was. But I realized that I was trying to puzzle out the future and that was almost as worthless as worrying about the past. I needed to focus on the present. Sometimes I really am my father's son, and I had one of those Greywolf moments. I started making a mental list of what I really knew. I knew I loved Luke Yonghon Tongmu Larsen with my total being. That I knew. I knew that, because of some serious blunders on both our parts, there was a break in our relationship. I now knew--from Mom--that I had almost lost him to suicide a second time.
        As I thought about those things, I realized something I had sensed--almost--at times about Luke, but had never given serious thought. Luke, old cool Luke, was not the cool character he seemed to be. He was, in fact, far more emotional than I. "No, that's not quite right," I thought. "I am emotional and it shows. It is obvious. What you see is the way it is. Luke's emotions are deep, hidden. They are like a swift current running under smooth water. My emotions are like white water rapids." Having reached that conclusion, I said, "Matthew Sarang Hanun Pomul Greywolf, you are going to have to learn to pay attention to Luke in a whole new way. You are going to have to learn how to read beneath the smooth water surface to discover the rapid current underneath."
        I guess all that thinking exhausted me, but I felt better as I just kinda turned off my rational thinking machine and put my brain in neutral and just enjoyed--actually enjoyed--the peace of the river as I sat, skipping stones on its smooth surface and munching on the sandwiches Mom had made for me.
        It was twilight before I realized how late it was. I drove back to the house where Jens, David and the moms were preparing dinner. I grabbed an apple from the kitchen table as I asked if I could help. "I think we have it under control," Margaret said. "You seem to have made a remarkable recovery, Matt."
        "I've started," I replied. "Guess it's that Indian medicine."
        "Indian medicine for an Indian. Makes sense," she laughed.
        I went to my room, lay down on the bed and ate my apple. I couldn't remember apples tasting so good. Sometime later, Mom came upstairs and said, "Matt, I think you need to know what's going on. I told you what had happened to Luke up to a point, but not all of it." My heart sank.
        Earlier Mom had just said a man had found Luke on a bridge ready to jump and had brought him to Greywolf and left it there. She now told me the rest of the story, including Luke's condition and why Red Hawk had showed up. "How did he know to come? Did Dad call him?" I asked.
        "I guess in one way, he did. Red Hawk just said his protector spirit, a gray wolf, told him to come. The man who rescued Luke showed up today as well. They should be completing the sweat lodge about now. We're having dinner at 10:00. And, Matt, Luke will be here but you are not to speak to him, directly or indirectly--Red Hawk said, and Red Hawk seems to have things well in hand so I suggest you do as he says.
        Mom had been gone only a few minutes when I heard new voices downstairs. I recognized Red Hawk's and Michael's and another strange voice as they went to the guest room. Red Hawk walked into my room only minutes later and said, "Matt, your brother was honored in a very powerful way today and needs a shirt--a very loose one if you have one. White, I think, would be best." As I handed Red Hawk a shirt, he said, "Go on down. We're having dinner in a few minutes and I bet you are hungry." I hadn't realized just how hungry I was until he mentioned it.
        
Luke

        After my talk with Taequo, Al and Chris--and, by damn, it was a prayer meeting in that it addressed real issues in a meaningful way--I thought I had it all pretty much together. My nightmares made it clear it wasn't all together and, as soon as I was in the car with Greywolf, I knew it was far from all right. When I got home, I just lost it completely and, for all practical purposes, lost consciousness. When I began to return to the land of the living, the nightmares started and Margaret sedated me. That's all I really knew for I don't know how long.
        Some time after--long after, I suspect--I got home, I thought I had really gone 'round the bend into cuckoo cloudland because I smelled the same thing Greywolf used when he blessed the garden, and then felt a strong wind hit me in the face three times. As if to confirm my departure from the real world, I opened my eyes to see an Indian, older than dirt, standing in front of me. He lifted my head and put a bowl of steaming liquid to my lips and ordered me to drink. I had no choice in the matter and, when I finished, had no choice but to take a cold shower and get dressed. When I was dressed, he and Michael went downstairs with me where the old Indian--he was real all right, very real--told Mom to feed me. After drinking a huge bowl of whatever the Indian had given me, I didn't see how I could be hungry but I was, and ate like a horse.
        Michael and the old Indian--Michael introduced him as Red Hawk--left and I sat in the kitchen, eating and saying nothing until I looked up and saw the pain in Mom's face. "Mom, I'm sorry. I am so sorry I have caused you and Dad and everyone so much hurt, pain and anxiety. I really am. I promise I will never, ever, do the stupid suicide thing again, but when I saw how I had messed up a perfectly wonderful life and when I realized that I had worked hard to hurt Matt, and I did, I couldn't see how he would ever speak to me again and, Mom, I love Matt so much. I mean life without Matt is not living."
        "Luke, I think you are mistaken. I don't mean about how barren your life would be without Matt but, even without Matt, as hard as it is for you to see, life would be worth living. But where I think you are really mistaken is about Matt. I think he loves you every bit as much as you love him, and feels about life without you the way you feel about life without him. Don't let stubborn pride and self-hate destroy life for either of you."
        "Mom, you don't understand. You don't know what I did." I then told Mom the whole story, holding back nothing except the graphic details. When I finished, I realized I was still dry-eyed, which surprised me no end. I wasn't crying on the outside, but inside I felt so much pain I couldn't see why I didn't just die.
        "Luke, even without the story, I knew you had created a real mess for yourself and all of us. But--and that's a big but, Luke--you're still alive and still have a life to live. The going's gonna be tough--now and at times in the future, that's just the way life is--but there is only one question you need to answer right now, 'Is Matt worth the struggle? Is he worth fighting for?' I don't need to know your answer, but you do."
        We sat silent for a while and then I said, "Mom, I need to do some really clear thinking. I'm going to the falls for a while."
        "Sorry, Luke, but that's out of the question. Red Hawk is having a sweat lodge there tonight and is preparing for it."
        "What's that all about?" Mom then told me all she knew about it and finished by saying, "Luke, I don't understand it all, but it has something to do with you and Matt. Can you find someplace else?"
        "Sure, don't worry."
        "Easier said than done, I'm afraid, but be back by 9:30. We're having dinner at the Greywolfs'."
        "Matt will be there?"
        "Of course."
        "Then I can't go, Mom. Maybe sometime I can face Matt, but not yet."
        "Don't think you have a choice. Red Hawk has ordered it and I don't think you have the option of not going. I've been instructed to tell you to be there, but you are not to speak to Matt. Red Hawk assured me you were free to go anywhere you pleased, but those were his instructions about dinner. Just be back here by 9:30."
        "Ok, I guess I can handle it, especially if I have no choice and after Red Hawk ordering me around this afternoon, I think you're right. I guess I don't have a wide range of choices. I'll see you about 9:30."
        I got in the truck and started driving aimlessly, and suddenly knew where I needed to be. I drove into town to St. Mary's, went inside and just sat. I guess I was thinking, but I wasn't consciously doing anything but sitting and feeling more at peace than I had for a week. I sat in the silent, empty church until the sexton came to close it for the night. It was only 6:00 and I didn't want to go home yet so I started driving again. As I passed the hospitality house, I saw my sculpture and knew exactly where I needed to be. I headed straight for Uncle Michael's and Mr. Stephenson's place.
        When I rang the bell, Mr. Stephenson came to the door. "Luke, what a surprise. Come in." When we got inside, he said, "Michael's at an exhibition in Denver and is not due back until tonight. I'm leaving to pick him up about 9:30. Want to go along?"
        "I can't."
        "What's up? I just got back this afternoon from being artist-in-residence at a camp in New England. I thought you were to be in Sarasota another week. What are you doing here?"
        "It's a long story, Mr. Stephenson..."
        "Luke, that reminds me of something I intended to say some time ago. I am now a part of the family and you are no longer a high school student, so why don't we drop the Mr. Stephenson bit? I'm John."
        "John... that sounds strange," I said, and managed a weak smile. "John, it's a long, sad story I'm afraid and, if you've got something cold to drink, I'd like to talk about it. Down by the river, maybe?"
        "Sure. No sodas, but name your juice."
        "Any is fine."
        John disappeared into the kitchen and came back with a pitcher of cranberry juice and two glasses of ice. I took the glasses and we walked to the gazebo by the river. We sat in silence until I sighed and started telling my story the second time today. I had held nothing back from Mom except the graphic details, but the version I told John held nothing back--graphic details included.
        When I finished, John put his arm around me and hugged me to himself. "Luke, I am sorry--so very, very sorry--but I must tell you, I was afraid of what might happen this summer. I know you feel otherwise, but what happened is not nearly as bad as I feared. I feared worse. You are young, you are handsome, you are trusting and, to be honest, you are innocent. The horrible thing about those characteristics you have is that they are so desirable in a young man. You are also gay and have lived a sheltered life--I know you have witnessed, and been part of, things which have hurt you and others deeply, but you have lived a sheltered life. You have lived all your life in a small town surrounded by people who have loved and cared for you. How could you know that the McBrides of this world come in many shapes and kinds? Michael and I have often discussed ways in which you and Matt might be prepared for what we dreaded, but knew would happen sooner or later. We finally gave up, knowing we could not prepare you for the unknown."
        "I am especially sorry that a teacher betrayed your trust. Teachers have a special place in the lives of their students--if they are good teachers. Students trust teachers for the most part. To have that trust betrayed hurts deeply. I am even more distressed that the teacher is gay. Gay teachers live life on the edge. There are always those who see all gays as predators and, believing such, see any such episode with a gay teacher as proof that their sons should never have a gay man as a teacher. The fact that most student-teacher sexual adventures are between heterosexual males and girls doesn't change that. But, Luke, it's over. Now you must be done with it. It is a major event in your growing up--to be sure, painful--but no real damage done."
        "Yes, that's over and done with and, in my heart of hearts, I know that what I did with Rich was partly because I was pretty drunk--and I know that is no excuse--but that's not my concern, my real concern. I told you I tried to drown myself because I had been unfaithful to Matt. This afternoon I sat for hours in St. Mary's and I thought I wasn't thinking, but I must have been. Listening to you talk I realized, as I think I almost realized earlier, that it wasn't my betrayal of Matt that drove me to the bridge railing. It was that I did all I did that night to hurt Matt, to intentionally hurt him. I wanted revenge and then found out that I had nothing to revenge. My real betrayal was betraying Matt's trust and love for me and for wanting revenge. It was not in allowing Rich to take my dick into his mouth. For that I could forgive myself. But for wanting revenge, for wanting to hurt Matt intentionally, I cannot forgive myself and certainly cannot ask Matt to forgive me and, if I did, I don't think he could."
        "Luke, there has never been any question in my mind that your and Matt's love for each other goes far beyond what most people your age are capable of. The love you two have for each other is remarkable. Trust, if not yourself or Matt, then your love for him and his for you. Trust that. Listen to that. Luke, trust your love and Matt's love."
        We sat silent for a long time. What John had said made sense. I knew it did, but I still found it hard to even think about forgiving myself. Then, I suspect, we both knew that we had talked enough about my problem. John asked, "Luke, tell me about your work this summer".
        I started telling John about what I had done, the two close friends I had made and how I had enjoyed it, then the reason I left came rushing back to me. It was only then I realized the sun had set. I looked at my watch and discovered it was 9:00. "I've got to go. We're having dinner at the Greywolfs'. Matt will be there and I don't know how I can face him, but it seems I have no choice."
        "Trust your love, Luke," John said as he hugged me. "You have a wonderful life ahead of you with a wonderful partner. Don't let this episode spoil it. Trust your love."
        
Michael

        When we got to the Greywolfs', Greywolf sent Red Hawk, Taequo and me upstairs to get dressed. Mom had brought me a pair of neatly creased jeans--I never wore creased jeans!--and a shirt. When we got to the guest room and started dressing, I saw that Red Hawk and Taequo also had sharply creased jeans. Both had ribbon shirts--Red Hawk's was black with ribbons the colors of the rainbow. When I looked at it, I started to ask a question but, before I could, Red Hawk laughed and said, "No, I'm not gay. I told you I liked women too much to be a monk and too much to be gay. Our people, the Lakota, are called the rainbow people."
        Taequo wore a black shirt with the red ribbons of a warrior. I started to pull on the knit shirt Mom had brought, when Taequo said, "Think you'll want a loose shirt, not that knit one".
        When he said that, I remembered my chest and smiled, "Think you're right. I'll get one from Matt."
        "No, I'll do that," Red Hawk said. He came back with a white regular shirt which, fortunately, was very loose.
        When we were dressed, we went downstairs. The family were in the dining room, standing behind their chairs. Mary Kathryn was standing behind one of four chairs at one end of the table. Greywolf had gone to the opposite end of the table and stood behind a chair, beside Yong Jin. Red Hawk motioned for me to sit to Mary Kathryn's right and Taequo to her left. He took the chair to my right. Luke was to the side of the table to Taequo's left and Matt at the opposite side, to Red Hawk's right. Gabrielle and Jens were to sit beside Luke, and Margaret and David beside Matt. When we were all in place, Greywolf said, "My house is deeply honored by the presence of a great warrior and respected elder, Red Hawk. It is also honored by the presence of another great warrior, Taequo. We, the entire family, are honored by your presence. All we have is yours."
        Red Hawk spoke slowly, softly, "Today, as any day, was a good day for dying, but the bravery of one among us made it a greater day for living. Let us thank the Great Spirit for the day and for the bravery of Michael Golden Eagle." Everyone was silent and then Red Hawk said, "Hetch etu. I know we are ready to eat. It has been a long day but, before we eat, we need to honor a warrior among us. Golden Eagle, remove your shirt."
        I didn't know what was going on, but I did as I was told. When Mom and Mary Kathryn saw my chest, they both gasped. Maybe Gabrielle and Yong Jin did too, I couldn't tell. While I stood bare chested, Red Hawk said, "Michael Golden Eagle, tell your family what happened in the sweat lodge today". I repeated what I had told the three Indians earlier.
        "What do you know of the sun dance?" Taequo asked as he looked around the table, then looked at Mary Kathryn as if expecting her to answer.
        "Only what Greywolf has told all of us. I mean, I saw 'A Man Called Horse' and Greywolf explained that maybe part of that was correct, but not for the Lakota. The sun dance is an offering a warrior makes to Buffalo Calf Maiden. Women go through pain and shed blood in childbirth and warriors do the sun dance because they do not. Warriors who wish are pierced in the chest and dance tied to the sun dance tree, then dance until the piercings tear loose. One who has been pierced is honored for his bravery and endurance. That's about all I know," Mary Kathryn said.
        "I had never known anyone to be pierced who did not sun dance," Red Hawk said. "But I know one now. In the sweat lodge--don't ask me how, I can't explain mysteries, just appreciate them--Michael was pierced as a sign of his endurance and bravery on behalf of Matt and Luke. He also was defended by his guardian spirit which came to him as if he were on a vision quest, a great golden eagle. Greywolf and I saw it. He now has a new name to add to the one he has honored in the past. He is Golden Eagle."
        As Red Hawk spoke, Taequo opened a package he had gotten from somewhere. "Michael Golden Eagle, Red Hawk's gray wolf plays tricks on the old Indian, but my coyote spirit is much worse. I wasn't sure I'd need it when he told me to bring you a ribbon shirt, but he wasn't tricking me this time. I would be honored if you would accept this as a token of your new name, Warrior." He handed me a black ribbon shirt with ribbons all shades of a rich golden yellow. It was beautiful. I proudly pulled it over my head and then thanked Taequo and Red Hawk for what they had done for me.
        "Well, enough of this high pressure stuff. Let's eat," Red Hawk said. And we did.
        There was a lot of talk and questions during the meal and it was very strange not to hear Luke's and Matt's voices. Of course they were free to talk--just not to each other--but they were too busy trying to look at the other, without the other knowing it, to talk. Their body language, the glances they gave each other when their eyes happened to meet, their every movement spoke of their pain--their feeling the other's pain--and of their love. There was no doubt about that. In a strange way I knew Red Hawk had been right. By forbidding their talking, they had been forced to use communication that was difficult to fake and that allowed no shortcuts. He was some wise Indian.
        When the meal was ending, Red Hawk said, "Ok, about tomorrow. We will rise in time to greet the sun--all are welcome to join Taequo, Greywolf, Golden Eagle, Mary Kathryn, Matt, Luke and myself. Afterward we all--you too Taequo, won't hurt you--go to Mass. I ask all of you to focus on the times that forgiveness and absolution are central, not confession. Think we have done that already--maybe too much. Confession is good for the soul to a point, then it becomes soul destroying, spirit killing. After church, we all eat. Then Taequo, Greywolf and I teach Golden Eagle the sweat lodge ceremony. Mary Kathryn, you will join us."
        "Luke and Matt..." both looked up at Red Hawk, "you are to spend the afternoon together. It would be good for you to find a spot at the falls because that is sacred ground. For at least an hour, you are not to speak to each other in words. After that you may speak, but only on the condition that you speak one at a time. Each will have a time to say whatever he wants to say before the other speaks. The old Indian smiled and said, "I know that you two have in the past sat, knees touching and holding hands. That would be good when you start speaking. But nothing more, absolutely nothing more. There is a very bad and very powerful spirit about who lost a battle today, but has not given up the war. And while I am sure you two think this is about you and your relationship, it is not. Well, it is of course, but much more is involved. Your relationship is just a way the bad spirit has been able to do its dirty work. Much more than you two is involved here. You will eat after church, then fast until the sweat lodge Monday is over. Michael Golden Eagle, when has your spirit called for the sweat lodge?"
        I certainly didn't expect to be asked that question. I had assumed it would be at twilight as had ours had been--I think Red Hawk had even said that earlier--so I surprised myself when I answered without hesitation, "Two hours before sunrise".
        "That is a good time, then it will truly be a new day," Taequo said. "We will start the fire tomorrow night."
        Red Hawk nodded and said, "I fear this will be a major endurance and fight with the bad spirit. Golden Eagle will do the ceremony so Taequo and I will be free to join in the battle if we are needed. Greywolf will be fire keeper and, David, your son will be honored if you would be the door keeper for his first time as medicine man for a sweat." Dad beamed and nodded. "Jens, Gabrielle, you may join if you like, but I must warn you, it could be pretty frightening. You would, I think, do better in the way you know. St. Mary's will be open; go there and pray. You know that way and mine would just seem strange. You need to focus your spirit, not wonder about ceremonies. Yong Jin and Margaret cannot--Yong Jin is on her moon and others disagree, but I fear a sweat as hot as this one might endanger you or your child, Margaret. I guess that means you two will be responsible for breakfast--a big one, as this old Indian expects to be very hungry about an hour or two after sunrise."
        "We have seen the power of the bad spirit to destroy, both in the everyday world of Matt and Luke and in the sweat lodge. Matt, Luke, do not give it another chance by dropping your guard. Michael, Mary Kathryn, you know what you must do and not do. Now this old Indian is going to sleep." Before anyone could say anything, Red Hawk had gotten up, walked to the living room, curled up on the floor and was sound asleep.
        Everyone started clearing the table, when Taequo leaned over and said to me, "Michael Golden Eagle, you have earned a few minutes with your wild woman. I'll do your part and the porch light will--I promise--stay off. Just keep it relatively pure," he laughed.
        Mary Kathryn and I walked to the front porch and when I took her into my arms it felt so natural, so wonderful, so--well, it was different. Never before had it really felt like she was made just for my arms--if you know what I mean. I kissed her ever so gently and, when we broke the kiss, she said, "Michael Golden Eagle--a beautiful name for a beautiful human being. I am so proud of you and I love you so much."
        I didn't say anything, just kissed her again, this time not so gently and with passion--just as Jens, Luke and Gabrielle walked out of the house. "Warrior, I'm taking your soulmate home. Tomorrow's sunrise will be early," Jens laughed.
        "I'm a warrior," I laughed, "I will walk her home safely."
        "Half an hour max," Jens said, "Goodnight."
        I took Mary Kathryn in my arms again and gave her another kiss, which became passionate big time. She broke it and said, "Purity, warrior, purity. And if you keep that up, there are going to be stains proving you crossed the line." Wild woman was calling a halt again! "Michael, you are special and I don't mean just because you are mine--and you had damn well better be--but in some way I don't understand, but know, from the bottom of my heart, you are special. And you know something? I think we are a terrific team in this medicine man and priest whatever thing." I was thunderstruck!
        
Margaret

        After dinner, I sat and talked to Taequo about what had happened to the boys--all three. The mother in me overcame the doctor easily and I asked him first about what had happened to Michael. After dinner I had examined his wounds and found them closed and clean. He would have scars, of course. "His chest is beginning to look like a battle field," I said to Taequo and he laughed and said it was.
        "The attack which almost killed him was, in a real sense, a battle. There is a lot in this world I don't understand. Red Hawk is a wise old medicine man, I'm pretty good at times and things happen, but even he can't explain what is going on here. What we do know is that the three boys are connected in a way which makes them very powerful. Their task on this earth is to fight for justice, truth and beauty--in three very different ways, but together in a very complete way. No-good spirits Red Hawk called them." Taequo laughed, "You should hear what he calls them when he is not among polite company. Maybe Lakota doesn't have swear words, but Red Hawk does very well, thank you. No-good spirits see great enemies in the three, but if they can destroy the link among the three, their power will be less than useless. Sounds like mumbo jumbo, but that's the best I can do. Strange, though, neither Red Hawk nor I were prepared for Michael's power. He was selected and given power by Matt without, I suspect, even Matt's realizing it. I'm not Lakota and the sun dance is not part of my heritage, but I know the place it holds among the Lakota and when Red Hawk saw Michael receive his spirit guide without a quest, he was thunderstruck. But when he saw the piercing, I though he was going to fall down and worship Michael. It's hard to describe to someone who doesn't know the culture and religion, and even more so to someone who deals in facts and charts," Taequo laughed.
        "Look, I witnessed Michael's healing and I don't even try to understand it but I know it happened. He is a strange one, my son, but he is also so damn normal."
        "It's a strange world when normal people are strange," Taequo said.
        "Ok, that's still a mystery, but what about the other two. What happened to them? I was ready to put them in the hospital and force feed them, and here they are, as well as can be expected of two people who are busy being disgusted with themselves."
        "To tell you the truth, I know nothing about Indian medicine beyond calling on it when I get sick. I do know that the chanting and incense has a definite soothing effect, and the liquid Red Hawk brewed up had herbs to bring calmness and, with a clear or clearer head, herbs to make you hungry, and also what Red Hawk calls a Lakota energy bar. It was made up by Lakota women to give to hunters and warriors who were going to be away for days without opportunity to prepare food. A healthy man can live on it for weeks and never stop. Usually it's a solid, but Red Hawk had it boiled into his other concoction." Taequo laughed, "And Red Hawk used the Lakota force feeding technique. You hold a bowl of hot liquid to someone's lips and say drink. If the only other option is to have boiling Indian medicine poured over your special private parts, believe me, you drink! Right now they are in good shape. Yong Jin and Gabrielle were given teas for the boys before they left. The two will sleep well and naturally tonight. I think we all will."
        I thanked Taequo and called David and Michael and we went home. When we got home, I hugged Michael to me and said, "Son, I am honored more than I can ever tell you because you are my son".
        Michael looked at me and said, "I am equally honored, Mom". My heart was full and running over.

Yong Jin

        Greywolf called me as the predawn light filled the sky. He was already up and dressed--in his Lakota clothes. I dressed quickly while he went up for Matt. When the two came down, I was surprised at how well Matt looked. "Good morning, Mom," he said and kissed me on the cheek. The three of us walked, hand in hand, to the falls. As we left the house, I could see the Andrews and Larsens leaving their places, headed for the falls.
        When we reached the falls, Red Hawk and Taequo were atop Lookout Rock, their figures silhouetted against the eastern sky. The two were waving burning braids of sweet grass as first one, then the other, chanted. When we reached the rock, Greywolf joined in the chants of Red Hawk and it was clear those of Taequo were in a very different language. As the sun broke loose from the horizon, the three men, and soon all of us, stood, our arms upraised, to greet the new day. It was, for me, a day filled with new hope for those I loved--not just the boys, all three, but the whole family.

Part Fifty-three
        
Matt

        I was very anxious about the family dinner with Luke present. I didn't know what to expect and would never have suspected what actually happened. First there was Michael's chest when he was told to remove his shirt. Just above each nipple there was a wound which, while closed, was obviously recent. Dad had told me about the sun dance and I could see that the wounds on Michael's chest could have been from being pierced at a sun dance, but I was amazed when Red Hawk and Taequo told us what had happened. The statement that more than the relationship was involved in what was going on, I would follow those instructions.
        After dinner, people just sorta sat around taking. I looked at Luke and saw he was looking at me. I smiled and, as I did, he pushed Red Hawk's instructions a bit when he mouthed, but did not speak, the words, "I love you". My heart skipped a beat and I smiled big time and mouthed back, "I love you too". Luke then got up and walked out the door after telling his mom and dad he was walking home. When he left, Taequo excused himself and said he was going to sleep at the falls. Mom gave him a sleeping bag and he was leaving when Red Hawk stirred, raised up and said, "I'm going with you". When Mom offered him a sleeping bag, he told her he didn't need it and followed Taequo out of the door.
        Michael and Mary Kathryn left as soon as dinner was over and I went upstairs to my room.
        I had been upstairs for a while when both Mom and Dad came up. That was unusual, but very welcome. Dad sat on the bed with me and Mom sat on my desk chair. They were barely seated when I asked, "Dad, can you tell me what is going on?"
        "Matt, I am a scientist and I find it difficult to accept what can't be demonstrated in the lab. Nevertheless, I am also Lakota and know that much of what I have seen and experienced cannot be demonstrated or explained in scientific terms. It is mysterious and will remain so. Does that mean one world is real and another unreal? I think not. I think it is all one world, there is just much of it we have forgotten about or pretend isn't there. There are places which, for whatever reason, are sacred, where there seems to be some kind of power node. The falls is one of them. I have known that from the first time I saw them. The rest of the family did too, it's just that our language and sense of the power is different. They have always seen the falls as a place of healing and restoration which is just another way to say they are a sacred place."
        "There are also people who seem to have special power. Maybe everyone has the potential and some develop it and others do not. I don't know. I do know that in my Lakota heritage there have always been medicine men, powerful men, who seem to live with one foot in the ordinary world and the other foot in a mysterious world that most of us cannot see and do not understand. Red Hawk and Taequo are both such, men with the power to struggle with the bad things in that mysterious world and who are agents of the good things in this world. Obviously, Michael is also. It is very strange to me that Michael--who actually knows very little of the Lakota tradition and culture--has been chosen to be a medicine man. Red Hawk thinks both he and Luke received power from you. Red Hawk says your Korean heritage is responsible. He tells me that the blending of two shamanistic forces is almost beyond his comprehension."
        "Add to that mix--and if your mind can begin to grasp it--the fact that the power of the three of you is in some way linked. Together in harmony you are unbelievably powerful but, without the link, your power becomes weak and capable of great harm--you might even say evil. That's why this weekend is important. Sure, we all love you and Luke and the break in your relationship is painful to all of us, but that break involves more than a lovers' quarrel. There is more, much more involved."
        Before I drifted off to sleep, I thought, "All I really wanted was a simple life for me and Luke. Just a simple life of loving Luke and being loved by him."
        Somewhere in the back of my mind a small voice said, "Tough tittie!".

Luke

        After my talk with John, I felt much better but I was still in no shape to face Matt and I knew it, but I guess in-shape or not, I was about to do so. When we arrived at the Greywolfs', Matt was nowhere to be seen but came down shortly. When he did, we avoided looking at each other, although I wanted to look at him. I wanted to see my Dark Angel and tell him how sorry I was, and what I had really done, and beg his forgiveness, but it was forbidden.
        Dinner started with a very dramatic twist when Red Hawk had Michael reveal his piercing. I knew a little bit of what this was about, but not a great deal. I did realize, again, Michael had suffered in an effort to save me--from what I wasn't sure. While I didn't know what was really going on, I was in awe at all Red Hawk and Taequo said, and at the presentation of the shirt. I knew something very important and special was happening.
        Shortly after we started eating, I was looking at Matt when he looked up. As our eyes met, we both gave the other a weak smile and quickly glanced away. Later when our eyes met, we both looked long and deep into the windows of the soul of the one we loved. As I looked into his eyes, there was no doubt that Matt loved me and I knew he also saw my love for him in my eyes. Now we just had to get the past behind us.
        As soon as possible after dinner, I left and walked home alone. The moon was just waning from the full and the night was very bright. As I walked, I tried to think of the importance of what I had seen and heard, but my heart and mind were filled with Matt. My Sarang Hanun Pomul had looked at me with pure love in his eyes--nothing but love. In the night I felt Matt's love surrounding me, protecting me, and I was closer to being happy than I had been since I read only part of that damned letter. In fact, I was happy. Oh, there were still nagging doubts and I knew that Matt and I had to really repair our relationship, but it was going to happen. I laughed when I remembered the conditions under which Red Hawk said we were to spend Sunday afternoon. We had been separated for five weeks and had to make up after a serious misunderstanding and betrayal of our promise, but I knew that wise old Indian was aware we'd by-pass everything and go gangbusters for sex. After all, he had been eighteen once, "but it was just after dirt was invented," I laughed to myself. But he knew, he knew. So he gave very strict ground rules.
        When I got home, I undressed and slipped into bed and fell asleep without drugs, and slept without nightmares.
        Sunday morning Mom woke me before dawn and she, Dad, Mary Kathryn and I walked to the falls. All of the Family arrived about the same time and joined Red Hawk and Taequo atop Lookout Rock. Soon Greywolf, Taequo and Red Hawk were chanting in languages I didn't know but, somehow or other, understood. I mean I didn't understand the words, but the spirit was very clear, they were greeting the new day. As the sun appeared, all of us stood with our arms upraised as each greeted the new day in his own way. From the core of my being, I knew it was a new day in more ways than one. When we finished, Red Hawk turned to me and Matt--we were standing side by side, and said, "You two seem to be doing very well. You are on the road to healing. After church, you will spend time together. As I told you last night, speaking without words then you may speak to each other, but only on the condition that one speaks and the other listens. You know the boundaries. I will speak with you at sundown. Meet me here."
        When he finished, the three families went home to prepare for church.
        When I walked into St. Mary's, I was surprised to see Michael, Taequo and Red Hawk dressed in their ribbon shirts. Needless to say, I wasn't the only one surprised. The three created quite a stir. It was strange, as well, to see Matt sitting with his Mom and Dad and not at the organ. When Millie started the prelude, I could understand why Matt was so good. Millie hadn't lost her touch at all.
        I don't know what Fr. Tom knew about what was going on but, whether he knew everything or nothing, he couldn't have done better. The Gospel appointed for the day was "Love your neighbor as yourself" and the story of the Good Samaritan. Both parts really hit home because the first part--neighbor love--took a different tack from what I expected, because Fr. Tom talked about the necessity of loving yourself. I had always been told that was wrong and conceited, but it made sense. I know, because I was still not loving myself and it sure was playing hell with loving Matt and everyone else. Then he talked about doing for those you might not really like and just doing for others in general. I guess I suddenly saw whatever it was Matt, Michael and I were involved in meant that we were, somehow or other, to care for others.
        As we were leaving church, I told Matt I would come by about 1:00 and we would spend the afternoon together as Red Hawk had said. He smiled and said, "I can remember when you didn't have to be told to spend time with me!" and laughed.
        Since there had been a family dinner the night before and there would be a family breakfast Monday, there was no usual Sunday dinner.