From The Carolina Scribbler, author of "I Once Was Lost":
Thank you to The Mail Crew for asking me to contribute to this feature. I’m truly honored,
guys, to speak to the teenagers who visit your site.
I’m a bisexual male, living in North Carolina. Although I don’t own a home, I’ve
got a great place. I’m single but currently in a wonderful, loving relationship
with a woman whom I am mad about. I work in the customer service
department of a local telecommunications company. With each day that passes,
I am more comfortable with my sexuality and myself. That wasn’t always the
case, though. If you’ll indulge me for a moment, I’d like to give you a brief
history of myself.
I was born to blue-collar parents in North Carolina in the mid 1960’s. My father
drank heavily and was abusive, both physically and verbally, to my mother and
older sister. He was never really physical with me unless you count busting my
ass with a belt. He was verbally abusive, pretty much all the time. We moved
around a lot and I had trouble making friends. Sure, I had friends at school and
I had friends in the neighborhoods where I grew up but never what I’d consider
“close” friends; someone to talk to when I was sad, tell secrets, that sort of
thing. My mother died shortly after Christmas when I was nine, and my father
and I moved again. My sister was already married and living with her husband
at that point.
Did you notice the difference between the first paragraph and the second? The
first is me, now. The second was me, then. My early life, growing up, was
pretty sad. There were some happy times, but not many. There was an event
that happened in the summer just before my 13th birthday, which left me pretty
messed up emotionally. I won’t go into details here, but it left me angry,
scared, and very confused about my sexuality. I was already confused about
that but this particular event compounded my feelings. Because of it, my self-
confidence was eroded too.
Once I reached high school, I began to take my schoolwork more seriously. I
studied harder and made better grades. I joined clubs and was active in them.
I began working a part-time job after school and on Saturdays. I realized,
slowly at first, that I had to take control if I was going to have a better life. I
wanted a better life. I felt like I deserved a better life.
About two years ago, I received a call from a friend of mine and he came out to
me. He said he was gay. I was pretty stunned at first, learning that he was
one of “them”. I had to reconcile it in my mind, because throughout our
friendship he never acted like one of “them”. Close to the same time as my
buddy coming out, one of my cousins comes out to me too. “I’m a lesbian,
cuz!” A double whammy! At that particular point in my life I’m not out to
anyone, and can’t even say to myself, “I’m bi”, let alone tell someone else, so I
continue to silently struggle with myself.
Shortly after the unexpected revelations from my cousin and my friend, I began
looking up resources on the Internet, trying to figure out why they were the way
they were. I realize, now, that I was searching for myself, seeking answers to
questions about myself. I looked at my friend and saw a man who had been my
friend for over 20 years and who just happened to be gay. He’s still an idiot like
he always was and we tease each other unmercifully over all kinds of things. I
look at my cousin and see a confident young woman, doing well in her life. She’s
still like a little sister to me, always has been and always will be.
As I researched the net, looking for answers, I decided to do a search on “gay
stories”. To be perfectly honest, I was searching for coming out stories but that
wasn’t what popped up. I clicked on the link for the first one and it was to a
site that had “gay stories” and all kinds of stuff. I meandered through that until
I ran across the “high school” section. I thought back to my high school years
briefly and remembered the good times and the bad, or maybe I should say sad.
The first story was called “TIM” by some cat named BREW MAXWELL. I thought
his name was pretty funny and I decided he had to be a coffee drinker. It was
too much of a temptation not to read it. Boy, am I glad I started reading that
story. It is awesome! I continued reading right up to end of the final chapter
posted and there was a message saying it would be continued at another site. I
typed in the url and there it was. I kept reading and reading. There was a lot
more to the story. I learned that just the first segment is called “TIM” and the
full story is called THE FOLEY-MASHBURN SAGA.
Almost immediately I began to have more positive feelings about gays in
general, and about myself in particular. See, I was raised in a very homophobic
home, taught that gays and lesbians were bad and that homosexuality was
wrong. Brew Maxwell’s story was probably the first inkling of anything “gay-
positive” I had ever seen. The images on TV and in the movies, when I was
growing up, weren’t very affirming. In fact, a lot of them were just stereotypes
of what society perceived gays, lesbians and bisexuals to be. It was wrong.
Today we have many homosexual and bisexual role models, people we can be
proud of and can look up to. There are “out” doctors, lawyers, grocery store
clerks, politicians, teachers, clergy, and we are in a host of other fields and
professions too. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to be who you are.
Resources for gays, lesbians and bisexuals were pretty limited when I was a
teenager. Times were different then, but thankfully the world has changed and
more and more resources are available to people. I count positive gay stories as
one of those resources because they helped me. I honestly believe I’d be
crouching in the corner of a closet, still, if it weren’t for Brew’s story.
The Internet is a powerful medium that has brought the whole world together.
I’ve received emails from readers all over the United States and a few other
countries. It’s a great feeling to know that something I’ve written has had a
positive effect on someone.
My “I ONCE WAS LOST” story is an emotional one, somewhat sad in the
beginning. It reflects my emotions and it serves as a reminder that not
everyone has an easy time accepting himself or herself. With love,
understanding, friendship, hope, and a little hard work, our lives can and will be
better.
Peace to all,
The Carolina Scribbler