It was Friday morning near the end of March. Adam sat dejected on the ground near where he had been dropped off. It was another day of school, but certainly not another normal day for him. He had stayed the previous night at Gary's house, but Gary's mum had made it quite clear that he wasn't welcome back there. The night before last, he had been at Aiden's house, but Aiden's dad's displeasure at the situation had been painfully obvious. Adam's arm was still sore from the blow he had received.
Who could he stay with tonight? Aiden and Gary had both said that they wouldn't say anything to anyone, but he didn't know how long it would be before word got out. As Adam looked up, he saw the Johnson twins getting off the bus. Maybe...
“Hey, Stick! Giant! Ready for the big game tomorrow?”
Startled, I looked around, and then grinned at one of my basketball teammates, Adam, as I stepped off the bus. Having just arrived at the Yarra Valley Christian College near Yarra Glen, my brother and I were nerving ourselves for another day at school. At least the weather seemed fine today. Living on the outskirts of Melbourne, Australia, we never know what the weather is going to do.
“Hi, Ads! Ready as ever. If my little brother here will pass me the ball occasionally I don't think we'll have a problem,” I replied cheekily.
My little brother looked down at me and grinned widely.
“If you're ever in a decent position when I get the ball, David, I'll pass it to you. Until then, I'll keep shooting goals.” He laughed as he put his arm across my shoulder and then had me in a quick headlock before letting go.
I was a little surprised that my brother had called me by my real name instead of my nickname. Even though 5’ 10” is moderately tall for a sixteen-year-old, my build is, to put it bluntly, like a stick insect. Consequently, practically everyone calls me “Stick”.
My little brother, Randy, is two years younger than me. In one of those crazy genetic mix-ups, he’s already taller than me at just under 6’. Hence his nickname, “Giant”. He also has a much heavier build, which makes him quite an intimidating centre on the basketball court. Given our similar heights, and the fact that we are obviously brothers, we've been known as the Johnson twins for as long as I can remember. There are still a lot of people who can't believe we're not really twins. I think the fact that we always hang around together and both have the same dark blonde hair, almost a light brown, probably adds to the confusion. We fight occasionally; what brothers don't? But I'd have to say that he's as close to being a perfect brother as I could wish for.
Basketball is a major passion of ours. We formed our own team two years ago – mainly from school friends, along with two of our next-door neighbours. We play in the local under-17’s competition on Saturday afternoons. Admittedly it’s only B grade, but that's not bad considering we started in C grade when the team was formed. We’ve had a good season so far, so we should make the finals in a couple of weeks’ time. If we can win the finals, we'll be promoted to the A Reserve grade for the next season.
I was a little surprised that Adam “Ads” Kennedy was there to see us. Normally he arrives just before the classes start. I know that well, because I’ve often seen him arriving at the last minute in the classes we share. He’s also a founding member of the Everest basketball club that Randy and I play in. My dad suggested that name, saying that we might as well have a team name that shows how high we want to climb through the competition. It’s a bit tongue-in-cheek, as none of us are really that competitive.
Adam is a little shorter than me at 5’ 9”. He's a year younger than me, though, so I suspect he'll catch up eventually. He's heavier – not really that surprising, considering how thin I am – but not by too much. His hair is brown, though it's hard to tell that as he usually keeps it cut extremely short. When I asked him why a few months ago, he told me that he absolutely hates having curly hair. I had the impression that his mum kept making comments about how “cute” the curls looked. If there is one thing your typical teenage male hates, it’s being called “cute”. Keeping his hair short is Adam’s solution to the problem.
“Stick, I was wondering if I could ask you for a favour?” Adam inquired hesitantly.
I smiled in return. “Sure, Ads! No promises you'll get it, though.”
Adam glanced down nervously, avoiding eye contact with either my brother or me. “I'm having a bit of trouble with my dad at the moment. He's just as likely to decide that he can't run me out to the stadium tomorrow. Do you think it'll be okay if I crash at your place tonight? That way we can go to the game together.”
Randy and I looked at each other and shrugged.
“I can't see a problem. We'll just need to let Mum know.” I looked at him questioningly. “What's the trouble with your dad?” I added.
“I'm not really sure,” Adam answered evasively, still looking down at the ground. “He's just gone off his tree about something and I think he's just taking it out on me. It's just easier if I'm not around to set him off.”
Something wasn't adding up. If things are so bad that you think you’re better off not being at home, you have to have a reason for thinking that. I was just about to call him on it, when I felt a pair of arms wrap themselves around my waist.
“Hmmm. I think you might be slowing down in your old age, Stick,” whispered a soft feminine voice from behind me.
I turned with a smile and kissed my girlfriend, Elizabeth Richardson, lightly on the lips. We've been going out for eight months now, and in my opinion, I've got the best girl in the entire school. I know that redheads are supposed to be hot tempered, but Liz is one of the most laidback people I know. She may not be the best looker in year 10, but her sparkling personality outshines any of the other girls by a huge margin. At 5’ 5”, Liz only comes up to my eyes, but I think that is a perfect height. I slid my right arm across her shoulders as I pulled her gently to my chest for a quick hug. Her arms around my waist squeezed slightly, returning my sign of affection.
“And what makes you say that, Liz?” I asked in a soft, playful voice.
“I haven't been able to sneak up on you for at least a couple of weeks. You usually spot me before I get within ten feet,” she smiled back. “What's distracted you today?” she continued.
I turned back to Adam, but I saw him and Randy heading off towards the classrooms, chatting as they went.
“Ads was discussing the prep for tomorrow's game with Giant and me. He also asked if he could crash at our place tonight, but he was a bit evasive about why. I was just about to ask him what was going on when you showed up.” I gave her another light kiss. “Sorry about that – next time I'll keep in mind what the really important things are.” Liz always brings out the gentler side of my personality. It’s as if a light switch is thrown on inside me whenever she shows up – dispelling any dark or worrying issues that are bothering me.
As I mentioned Adam, I noticed a quick frown flick across her face.
“What's wrong?” I asked her.
“I'm not sure,” she replied slowly, frowning again. “I'm beginning to hear some strange rumours about Adam. Apparently he stayed at Aiden's house on Wednesday, but Aidy won't talk about it. He just clams up and does his silent stare if he's asked about it.”
Aiden “Aidy” Trent is the same age as me, but he’s the only one of our teammates who is in year 11 at school. This is not because he's smart – okay, he's reasonably smart, but not that smart – or that I was held back, but simply that he started school a year before me. Here in the state of Victoria, if you're born in the first half of the year, your parents can either start you at school in the year you turn five or the following year. If you're born in the second half of the year, you have no choice – you start school the year after you turn five. Aiden's parents chose to start him at the earliest possible year, while my parents chose to wait the extra year. He has long, straight black hair that usually hangs loose, but is bound up in a ponytail when he's on the basketball court. At 5’ 8”, he can play as either a forward or a guard, as the situation requires.
As Liz alluded, he can be a very private person. Of all our teammates, he's the one that I understand the least. If he’s discussing basketball he's open and friendly, but if the conversation strays into anything he considers personal, he becomes as unresponsive as a rock. Intimidating is an understatement for the impact you feel if you're caught by his stare at those times. A change of topic, however, shatters the rock and he returns to being an extroverted, fun-loving teenager. I've only met his father once, when we played in the grand final during the first season of our team. Given how cold and unforgiving his father was on that day, I suspect that's why he's such a private person. We had won the grand final and all Mr. Trent could do was berate Aiden for some trivial mistakes he had made. Asking him to confirm that suspicion, however, is naturally out of the question. I'd like to get to know Aiden better, but I have reluctantly accepted that he is going to have to make the first move. All I can do is to keep giving him opportunities.
“Do you have any ideas on where he stayed last night?” I queried Liz.
“No…” she answered, reluctantly. “I know he didn’t stay with Aidy, as I saw him arrive a few minutes ago, and Adam was already here.”
I pondered the problem for a few seconds. “If he stayed with another teammate, it’d have to be either Gazza or Break. They are the only other ones who go to this school. I’d guess Gazza because he and Aidy are the only ones that live here in Yarra Glen.”
Gary “Gazza” Loveridge is in year 10 with me, but he's another fifteen-year-old. Now, Liz doesn't have the temper normally associated with redheads. Gary, on the other hand, definitely does. We all know what he's like and know how to avoid setting him off, at least most of the time, but we can't do much about when he sets himself off. In his favour is the fact that once he's calmed down after blowing his top, everything is cool. He's not one to hold a grudge or to stay angry for long periods of time. It's a case of a massive blowup followed by a calm as if nothing had happened. At 5’ 7”, he's one of our guards. Unfortunately, when he makes a mistake on the court, he starts to lose his temper and just gets more aggressive. It's not uncommon for him to be fouled out in a match, with the occasional technical foul for abusive language thrown in. In fairness, I think he's been getting better, but I'd have to give that credit to his new girlfriend Mary Bryant. She seems to be a steadying influence on him. Gary has the widest range of school friends of any of us. He seems to be able to talk to anyone and everyone – a talent that I'm envious of. Even his temper doesn't seem to get in the road of him making friends. In fact, I think he's made most of his friends during the aftermaths of his explosions.
Scott “Break” Wilson is our principal playmaker. He's only 5’ 6” in height, which is a little short for a sixteen-year-old, but he's very solid, and the fastest player on our team. He and Randy usually compete for who gets the highest score in our matches. Randy gets his goals under the basket where he can use his height, while Scott gets most of his from fast breaks and turnovers. He and Randy have almost a sixth sense on the court at times. When Randy gets a defensive rebound, he often immediately makes a baseball pass to Scott, who's already three quarters of the way down the court towards our basket. Unlike Adam, Scott’s quite proud of his black curly hair. The two of them have had lots of fun discussions on whether or not the girls like curly hair. Overall, he tends to be the quiet type. He's quite popular with the girls, but doesn't seem to want, or be able to settle on, just one. No matter, he's such a relaxed person that most of the girls that have chased him in the past still have a kind word for him if it's ever needed. He’s also a computer wiz, as he’s demonstrated so many times in the computer class we share.
Rounding out the team are our other two teammates: Brett “B1” and Brian “B2” Ricardo, the team’s real set of fifteen-year-old identical twins. They are our next-door neighbours – using that term loosely. They live a quarter mile from Randy and me, but that's because both families live on rural properties. That's still our closest neighbour and they’re good friends. At 5’ 6”, they both play the guard position. They have the usual freakish, almost telepathic understanding of each other that's not uncommon amongst identical twins and which comes in really handy at times on the basketball court. Both of them are in year 9, but since they go to a different school anyway, that's not usually an issue. They have been called B1 and B2 since kindergarten. It was, I suppose, inevitable that they ended up nicknamed after a pair of giant bananas, given the popularity of the “Bananas in Pajamas” preschool show. I'm sure there are times they have wished that their parents had picked names with a different first letter, but that's the fate of all kids – living with the mistakes our parents make. Nowadays, it's almost like a badge of pride for them.
Practically everything they wear has either a 1 or a 2 on it somewhere. And, of course, their numbers on the basketball court are 11 and 12. I would like for them to attend our school, but their parents put them into the government school in nearby Lilydale. Happily, they’re around at our place almost as much as they’re at their home, so we haven’t lost touch with them since we left primary school.
“Tell you what. I'll see what I can get out of Adam tonight, and I'll let you know tomorrow morning. How does that sound?” I suggested, giving Liz a quick squeeze.
“Okay.” She smiled up at me. “And now for some depressing news – it's time we got going to class.”
Damn! Why do they have to ruin a perfectly satisfactory Friday morning with school? I think they do it on purpose.
Adam noticed that a few people were beginning to give him some strange looks. He hoped it was just the state of his clothes. There wasn't a lot he could do about them not being ironed – he only had three school shirts with him and there was no way he could keep them unwrinkled in his duffle bag. It would have been easier if the school didn't have a compulsory uniform, but being at school was really his only chance of getting a place to sleep for the night. No one looked disgusted, and he didn't hear any taunts, so hopefully that meant that Aiden and Gary had kept quiet about what was really going on.
Adam sighed. The real test with those two would be tomorrow at the game – if he showed up. It would be painfully obvious on the basketball court if they didn't consider him to be a teammate any more. Tonight, however, it would be the Johnson twins. He was sure that their parents would do the same as Gary and Aiden's, and ring home to check that he could stay the night. That's when his dad would tell them all about his former son...
“Hi, Mum! We're home!” Randy and I called out in unison, as we walked through the door.
There was no answer, which probably meant that she was either out shopping or down the paddock with her horse.
“She's not here at the moment,” I said, turning to Adam. “Just put your stuff in my room before we start on our homework.”
“Okay. Do you mind if I take a quick shower and get changed, too?” he called back over his shoulder as he headed off
“Sure – you know where everything is.”
I turned to Randy.
“Giant. You did remember to ring Mum at lunchtime, didn’t you?” I asked him.
“Of course I did!” he answered indignantly, and then continued with a grin, “After all, I didn’t have to spend half my lunchtime chasing after Liz. From the way you looked, I’m surprised you remembered to get back to your classes afterwards. Oh yeah – it was probably Liz who remembered. Based on the expression on your face at the time, I don’t think there was anything like a thought going through that brain of yours!”
“Just you wait until you get a girlfriend, Randy! Then it’ll be my turn to give you grief,” I warned.
The Yarra Valley where we live is the wine-growing region on the northeast outskirts of Melbourne. The Yarra Valley Christian College is a secondary school (years 7 to 12) that gets its students from both the outer northeast suburbs of Melbourne and from the rural communities scattered through the valley. In our case, we're the rural types. Our parents have a lovely little 20-acre property at the edge of the valley. The land is unsuitable for grape growing, otherwise it would be worth an absolute fortune, but it's enough for our mum to keep up her hobby of riding horses. As an extra bonus, in autumn the views over the nearby vineyards are especially dramatic as the waves of gold, red and brown leaves recede into the distance. Add in the occasional spectacular sunset, and you have a little slice of heavenly beauty to take the breath away.
My brother and I have lived here all our lives. Our parents, Kevin Castle and Yvonne Johnson, are both accountants – though Mum now only works part-time – and moved out here to start their family. They’ve been married for twenty years. Our mum refused to change her name when they got married, and that causes occasional confusion. When I was born, and later when my brother arrived, my dad let us take our mum's surname. He told us later that his parents already had lots of “Castle” grandkids – my dad has two brothers – but our mum's parents didn't have any “Johnson” grandkids until we came along, as my mum's family is all girls. That's the sort of relaxed, accommodating person that my dad is. Sometimes he’s asked why he didn’t insist on Mum changing her name. He’s always replied that it's just that he can't see the point in fighting or arguing about issues that in the total scheme of things are just not important. After all, what's in a name? If it makes my mum happy to not change her name, why shouldn’t she keep it?
Anyway, Mum is a keen, though amateur, horse rider. Whenever possible, she goes to all the local competitions. Before they started a family, my parents worked hard to buy a property where she could have her horses with her. It was that important to her. We have three horses at the moment. My dad rides, as well, but I think it’s mainly just to keep Mum company. He certainly doesn't practice very much, unlike Mum. Randy and I can both ride, but neither of us is particularly interested in it as a sport. When we want to ride, we just take Mark, our horse, and borrow Bel, Dad's horse. No one, repeat, no one, is allowed to ride Jacque, Mum's horse, except for her. She tries to ride him at least once a day if the weather is reasonable. Normally she'll ride in the morning, but it's not unusual for her to be down the paddock with the horses when we get home from school.
As he took a shower, Adam had an idea. If they thought he’d already called home, maybe they wouldn’t ring his dad. If they didn’t, he might be able to stay for Saturday night as well, before they found out...
“Hey, Stick. I really should call home and let them know where I'm staying tonight. Do you mind if I call now?” Adam asked.
Whoever invented trigonometry deserves to be shot AND castrated. I looked up from my math homework as Adam came out of my bedroom. I suddenly remembered his comments from this morning.
“I thought you were trying to avoid your dad. Won't ringing him just cause problems?” I asked, with a curious look.
“Ah... I'll probably get Mum at this time of the day, so I don't think that'll be an issue,” Adam replied, staring around the room to avoid eye contact.
He was being evasive again. I think even Randy was picking up on it, as he’d just given me a quizzical look. What exactly was going on? I decided to try to get the answer out of him later, when he was more relaxed.
“Okay, the phone’s over there.” I shrugged, pointing to the phone.
“Thanks, mate.”
Because of the size of the property, we have a cordless phone that works anywhere within a couple of hundred meters of the house. As Adam hadn't bothered to take the phone out of the room, and I really didn’t want to get back to my math homework, I couldn’t help eavesdrop on his conversation.
“Hi, Mum.”
“Yes, I'm fine. I'm staying with Stick and Giant tonight.”
He rolls his eyes as he looks over in our direction. “Yes, Mum, of course I'll remember to thank Mrs. Johnson for having me over.”
“Has he calmed down yet?”
He frowned slightly as he listened to the response.
“Okay, I'll call you tomorrow after the game.”
“Alright. Bye, Mum. See you soon.”
As Adam hung up, I saw Randy looking strangely at him. He had obviously listened to the conversation as well as me, but he seemed to have picked up something about it that I hadn’t.
“Ah... Ads...” he started hesitantly.
“Yeah, Giant. What is it?” Adam asked in a distracted tone, as he came to the table with his schoolbooks.
Randy looked at him for a moment, as if he was trying to work out what to say.
“Never mind,” he sighed, as he turned his attention back to his homework.
Adam quietly let out the breath he was holding. For a moment he had thought that Randy had realised what he had done. He thought he had held the phone so the brothers couldn't see that it wasn't on when he was talking, but he wasn't sure. Then he mentally kicked himself. He should have rung the phone number for the Johnsons’ home and then talked to the “engaged” signal. Then there wouldn't have been any risk at all.
“Hi, boys. Hi, Adam. I believe you're staying the night,” Mum called out cheerfully, as she came in through the back door.
“Hi, Mum,” my brother and I chorused.
“Hello, Mrs. Johnson. Yes, if that's alright with you,” Adam replied.
“That's fine, as long your parents are okay with it,” she replied, kicking off her boots. She obviously wasn’t paying too much attention to the conversation.
“I rang them earlier to let them know where I am,” Adam announced in a matter-of-fact tone.
I noticed that Randy had that strange look on his face again, as if he wanted to say something, but wasn't sure if he should.
“Alright, then. How long have you been studying?” she asked us, obviously closing the topic of Adam staying the night.
Randy looked up at the clock. “About an hour and a half. I'm just about finished. What about you guys?” he asked, looking at Adam and me.
I looked at Adam and raised an eyebrow.
“Yeah, I think I've had enough, too. I've done everything I have to do, and made a good start on some of the longer-term homework. What about you, Adam?”
“Same here. Time for some two-on-one practice?” he asked with an enthusiastic smile.
We all grinned.
“Let’s get changed and meet back at the ring in five,” I suggested, closing my books and rising to my feet. The other two quickly joined me in doing the same.
Two-on-one practice is something we do when one of our teammates is around. Our dad played a bit of basketball when he was younger and helps out as a coach when he can. As we only really play for fun, we don't bother training, though Randy often joins one of the more serious other teams in our competition for their training sessions. What can I say? It's a friendly local competition – not the state championships. Dad's always complained that too much emphasis in the game is spent on offense and not enough on defense. He once admitted to me that the main reason he says that is that defense was the only thing he was ever good at, but that's beside the point.
When we have three of us, we play two offenses against one defense. If the offensive player misses a shot, or the defense steals the ball, then that offensive player becomes the defense and the defense becomes the offense. The idea is both to improve the defensive skills – otherwise you end up playing the entire time as defense – and also to train the offensive players to always find the easy shot. As my dad always tells us, when you're two against one, someone should always be able to take a shot without any defense. It's been surprisingly successful, and our team is acknowledged as having one of the best defenses of our grade, even if it is only B grade.
We played until Dad came home, and then went inside for a shower before dinner.
At dinner, the conversation flowed pretty smoothly. Dad was asking his usual questions about our schoolwork, and what we thought our chances were for the game tomorrow. (We'd win, of course - what other answer could there be?)
“Adam, I believe you're staying the night. Is that right?” my dad asked, as we were finishing up.
“Yes, sir. I thought it would be better to go to the game from here, rather than from home,” Adam replied.
I looked at him suspiciously. That wasn’t quite the reason he had given me this morning!
“I spoke to your father this afternoon,” my dad continued calmly, keeping his eyes on Adam.
Adam froze. “Here it comes,” he thought
“Under the circumstances, I was wondering if you'd like to stay here for the weekend?” Dad asked in a tender tone and with a wry half smile.
Adam was stunned. This wasn’t what he expected. “What the fuck is going on?” he wondered.
“Kevin, what do you mean? What circumstances?” Mum asked, looking surprised at Dad.
I mentally echoed the question. What did my dad know that I didn't?
“Adam, do you want to answer that question, or would you like me to?” my dad asked gently, looking intently at Adam.
Everyone looked at Adam. I had heard about someone looking like a deer in a spotlight, but I don't think I’d ever seen it before. Adam looked frozen in terror. His eyes were locked on my dad's. He flicked a terror-stricken glance at my brother and me before looking down at the table. His mouth opened and closed a few times, but no sound came out.
“Okay then, I'll answer it,” Dad sighed. “Adam was kicked out of his home on Tuesday night. As far as his father is concerned, Adam is no longer his son.”
“WHAT! Why the fuck would he do that?” I yelled angrily.
“Because,” Adam said quietly, with a note of sorrow and pain that seemed to be drawn from the bottom of his heart, “I'm gay.”
Time froze.
My dad had just announced that Adam had been kicked out of home and disowned by his father. I was consumed by anger at the callous and highhanded behaviour of Mr. Kennedy. Parents are supposed to love their children. How could anyone do that to their own son? Then all my emotions went into a tailspin when Adam announced that it was because he is gay.
Gay? It couldn't be – Adam is as straight as they come. There’s nothing feminine about him at all! It had to be some sort of joke. The only thing, though, was the way he had said it. The pain and sorrow that came through left no doubts in my mind – he wasn't joking. The unchanged expression on my dad's face only emphasized the truth – he already knew.
I grasped for the anger that I had felt only a moment before, but it was gone, washed away in an ice-cold stream of shock. Who was Adam? I had thought I knew him, but apparently not. Was he holding any other secrets? Other secrets? What was I thinking about – this one was big enough! He's been hiding this from me ever since we've known each other. What was he planning on doing? Jumping me one night when he slept over? Sleep over! What about tonight? I couldn’t share a room with him – I didn’t know what he’d do!
“A fucking homo! Bloody cocksucker! Get your stuff out of my room. I don't want a homo anywhere near me! Cancel that. I don't want you in my room even to get your stuff. I'll throw it out into the corridor for you to collect when I'm not around!” The anger and disgust in my voice made it very clear how strongly I felt about what he had told us.
I stood up abruptly, ready to steam off to my room and get away from the stranger who had just moments before been masquerading as a friend.
“David! Sit down NOW!” roared my father.
“But Dad, he's ...”
“SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!” he screamed.
Randy and Mum were staring at me in disbelief. Well, how did they expect me to react? Adam gave me an anguished look before he looked down again. He slowly rose to his feet, eyes still downcast.
“Adam. Sit down, please. We haven't finished this discussion,” ordered Dad in a gentler voice.
“I'm sorry, sir. I'll go move my stuff to the stables for the night.”
“You'll do no such thing,” replied my dad sternly. Rising to his feet, he leant over the table to me. “If you don't want Adam in your room tonight, then fine. He'll sleep somewhere else in the house. But get this through your thick skull, David. ADAM IS STAYING HERE FOR AS LONG AS HE NEEDS TO.”
“What? How can you let a fucking poofter live here? Who knows what he'll do!” I yelled back.
My dad sat back down, and his face became calm. An icy calm while he stared at me, but at least it was calm. A creeping dread came over me, as I suspected that this was just the calm before the storm.
“Homework time,” he said coldly.
I stopped, stunned. How could Dad ask this of me now? A few times a year, something comes up in a family discussion that he decides Randy and I need to know more about. He assigns homework for us to do to study the subject at hand. It's normally not an onerous task; just a couple of hours on the Internet researching what he's asked us to look up. What stunned me was that I couldn't believe he wanted me to look up anything about poofters!
“I want you to look up suicide risk factors, especially for teenagers. As an extra bit of research, if you can, find out the rate of suicide attempts amongst homeless youths,” he continued, still staring at me coldly.
Suicide? What had that to do with Adam? I turned to look at him. He was staring at Dad with a surprised and puzzled expression on his face.
“Sir, I ....”
“Adam, we'll talk about this while Randy and David are doing their homework. In the meantime, let's go get your stuff out of David's room.”
“He can stay in my room tonight, if he wants,” my brother piped up, as he rose to his feet.
Heads spun around as we all looked at him with surprise. Did he know what he was saying? I opened my mouth to object, but Mum beat me to it.
“Randy, thanks for your offer, but your dad and I will work out where Adam will sleep tonight,” she said, glancing across at Dad.
“Mum, what's the problem? Adam's stayed overnight lots of times before. He's a friend and I trust him. I'm not asking him to share my bed, just share the room!” Randy pleaded.
I don't know whose face looked more shocked, Adam's or mine. My little brother was asking a fucking queer to spend the night with him! I needed to get him alone to beat some sense into him.
“Randy, we’ll consider it. We don’t want to make a decision now,” Mum replied.
“Come on, Giant. We have homework to do,” I said, as I dragged him to the study. I needed to get him out of there before he said anything else. How big a hole was he trying to dig for himself?
Adam stood in shock as his mind raced in thought. He wondered what was going on. Stick's reaction had been even worse than Aiden's dad’s, but Mr. Castle couldn't have been cooler. Stay there as long as he needed? Had he really mean that, or did that just mean until they could find someone to take him off their hands? And what was that talk about suicide? And Giant’s stating that Adam was still a friend and he still trusted him? An emotional rollercoaster would be an understatement for what Adam had just gone through in a couple of minutes.
As he and Mr. Castle headed off down the hallway to David's room, Adam paused to lean against the wall. A shudder passed through his body as the tight knot of despair he had been carrying ever since his dad threw him out slowly unraveled. No longer able to support him, Adam's legs gave way and he sank to the floor. Mr. Castle turned as Adam collapsed. He started to say something, but when he saw the expression on Adam's face he bent down and put his arms around him.
“It's going to be alright, son. You're safe now. It's going to be alright. You're safe now,” he repeated softly, over and over again, as Adam started to quietly cry.
Randy and I entered the study, neither speaking to the other.
While we both have computers in our rooms, the only computer that has Internet access is the one in the study. Both Randy and I have complained about this many times, but our parents have been adamant. They don’t want us surfing the ‘net in our bedrooms. If it's in the study – which doesn’t have a lock on the door – then they can be confident that we're not abusing it. On the flip side, they removed any parental locks on what we could view when Randy turned fourteen. We could check out anything we wanted – we just had to be aware that anyone could walk into the room at any time. If we had porn on the screen, then we had better have a good reason handy or we were in big trouble. I was caught once, but they didn't buy my excuse of doing biology research for school. I was lucky to be grounded for only a month. So far, they haven't caught Randy, so either he's being cleverer about it, or he's not exploring, yet.
As he sat down at the computer and turned on the monitor, I decided I needed to make sure he understood what Adam had admitted to being.
“Do you REALLY understand what Adam said back there? You seem to think it's no big deal!” I was trying to remain calm, but it was a struggle. Why did that bloody homo have to come here?
“Of course I do. Adam is a homosexual. He prefers to have sex with guys instead of girls. It's no big deal as far as I can see. It's his life, after all. I'm more concerned about you. You don't seem to understand it at all. You seem to think he's no longer the person we've known for years.” Randy's voice was calm, but I could still detect a tight coil of anger lying just below the surface.
“He's not the same person! He's probably been planning on jumping one of us one night when we don’t expect anything. And you go ahead and invite him into your bedroom! What were you thinking of? You're not a fucking poofter too, are you?” I was quite pleased with myself for not screaming that last bit at him.
He looked at me with disgust.
“He IS still the same person. If he wanted to do anything, he's had plenty of chances up until now. And for the record, no, I'm not gay.” He suddenly grinned at me. “If you're really nice, I might even supply a reference who can confirm I'm not gay.”
I looked at him, stunned. He's only fourteen! Was he telling me that he is ALREADY sexually active?
“I offered him my room because I think he needs to know that someone cares. YOU'RE supposed to be the people person. Don't you realise how much you hurt him tonight?” he added forcefully. “I knew something was going on when he faked that call to his mum. He obviously thinks he's all alone,” he commented thoughtfully.
“What do you mean, he faked the call to his mum?”
“I could see the base station for the phone from where I was sitting. Just before he started to speak, the light that shows the phone is active went off. He was talking to a dead phone.”
“So that's what you were going to ask him about!” I said with a snap of my fingers.
“Yeah, but I didn't know how to ask it. I don't even know why he bothered to fake a call.”
“That bit's now obvious. He was trying to avoid having Mum ring his dad to make sure it was alright for him to stay.” I paused for a second to regroup my thoughts. “And don't try to change the subject. Don't you know if word gets out that you had a known poofter spend the night in your room, everyone is going to think you're a homo too? I'm trying to protect you here!”
“Thanks for the kind thought, Stick, but I think you're wrong,” Randy replied indignantly. “Adam is a FRIEND. Nothing more, nothing less. He needs our help, and if you're not going to help him, I'll do it alone. If I have to cope with a bit of flak as part of that, then so be it. I’m not leaving a friend just because it might be a little difficult.”
“A little difficult!” I yelled with disbelief. “Have you any ideas what you are talking about? You’ll lose all your friends. You’ll get picked on and abused at school. Your life will become a constant misery!”
“You arsehole!” he yelled back. Taking a deep breath, he continued in a calmer voice. “Firstly, I’ll have at least one friend – Adam. I also have more faith in my friends that you seem to have in your friends. Some may not want to be seen with me, but I’m sure that most of them won’t care that Adam’s gay. As for being picked on, I’m already bigger than most of the kids at school. Most of them wouldn’t want to cross me," he added with confidence.
“All that means is that you’ll get hit harder by more people! Half the football team will probably run over you just because of what they think you are. They won't know if it's true or not, but you'll still end up getting hurt.” I was getting frantic with worry about my brother. He was just being too arrogant about his ability to handle any problems that might occur.
“I don’t care. Adam needs our help and he needs it now. If you’re a friend, you’ll understand. I’m beginning to think that you don’t understand what being a friend means,” Randy stated resolutely. “You also obviously didn't pick up on Dad's hints.”
“What do you mean? Dad didn't hint anything!” I responded, confused.
“What's our homework?” he asked flatly. “I'll bet you ten bucks that we find that being homeless and being gay are both strong risk factors for suicide. Adam may not be suicidal now, but a few more outbursts like yours will probably drive him over the edge. Is that what you’re trying to do?” Randy's voice started to show how angry he was, as he turned back to the computer. “Shall we start?”
Was Adam suicidal? Was that what Dad was worried about? More importantly, what did I think about that? Did I want Adam to kill himself? Adam the teammate – definitely not! Adam the homo? Did I want him dead? I don't think so.... It was all so confusing!
An hour later, Randy and I sat back and turned away from the computer screen. Randy looked shocked at the numbers that were still displayed. I certainly felt as if I had been slammed hard in the stomach by a world champion boxer.
It was hard to get some concrete numbers, but the last web page we looked at showed how bad it can get. In a study on homeless youths from Portland, Oregon, in the USA, a staggering 44% of homeless gay or bisexual males had attempted suicide. Even the straight homeless guys had a rate of 33%. So even if he wasn't really gay, that still meant that Adam would have at least a one-in-three chance of trying to kill himself if he stayed homeless!
As for risk factors, Randy was right. Adam was definitely a suicide risk. Depression, lack of support, family problems – he was right in the middle of it.
“Well?” Randy said.
“Well what?”
“Are you going to accept that Ads is going to stay here? That Dad is trying to save his life? That he needs our help?” He paused for a second, glaring at me. “Do you want me to go on?”
“Okay, okay.” I surrendered, holding up my hands. “Dad knows what he’s doing. As long as I don’t have to hang around him, I suppose he can stay.”
“Alright then. Let’s go back and see Dad.”
We found Dad and Mum in the kitchen, cleaning up. They had been talking quietly, but fell silent as we came into the room.
“Did you learn anything important?” Dad asked us, though I think he was asking me more than Randy.
My eyes looked toward the floor as I scuffed my feet nervously. “I don’t mind Adam staying. I don’t want him to kill himself, and letting him stay here will help prevent that,” I stated reluctantly. I then looked up and locked my sight on my dad’s face. “But I don’t want to have anything more to do with him than I have to,” I added firmly.
Dad slowly nodded his head. “Okay. I would have liked to hear something a bit more positive from you, but it’s a start”. He then turned to Randy. “And you?”
“I’ll help in anyway I can. Just let me know.” Turning to stare angrily at me, he added, “I know what being a friend means.”
Dad looked pleased, but very tired. I also noticed wet stains on his shirt. Where had they come from?
Randy looked around. “Where’s Ads?” he asked.
“Your dad put him in your bed. He’s already asleep,” Mum replied quietly. “I think he’s gone through so much stress this week, and especially tonight, that he’s just collapsed. We were going to get the folding bed out and put it in your room, but we didn’t really have time. You can sleep in the lounge room tonight, Randy, if you like”.
“If it’s alright with you, I think I’ll sleep in the folding bed in my room. I think Ads could do with having someone near him tonight.”
I couldn’t believe it. After all I’d tried to explain to him why he shouldn’t, he still wanted to spend the night in the same room as the poofter! At least Mum seemed to understand. I was sure she’d put him right.
“I think you’re probably right. Dad was going to sleep in there with him tonight, but if you want to, that’s fine. Feel free to wake us up if you think you need us.”
WHAT! I thought Mum was going to tell him no way, but here she was aiding and abetting in the corruption of her own son. I had to do something about that. I’m too fond of my brother to let him throw his life away for a fucking cocksucker.
“Mum, Dad. Can’t you see that this isn’t a good idea? Don’t let Randy ...”
Dad interrupted angrily. “David, shut up! This is NOT your decision. Yes, Randy’s only fourteen, but at the moment he’s acting a lot more mature than a certain sixteen-year-old I could name. If he wants to be a young adult and do the right thing by a friend, then he has our COMPLETE support.” He paused and then continued in a calmer voice. “You will now drop this topic. We can discuss it more tomorrow morning, after everyone has had a good night’s sleep and everyone is a lot calmer. There are still a lot of things that we need to discuss as a family. This is not going to be easy for any of us and we have a lot of issues to sort out. In the meantime, to give you something to keep you occupied, can I suggest you give a lot of thought to tomorrow’s game, and the idea of playing on the same team as Adam?”
Glancing at the clock, he continued, “It’s only eight. Do you have any plans for tonight? I can give you a lift into town if you want to meet up with your friends.”
That’s the one thing that sucks about being a teenager on a rural property in Australia. Since the driving age is eighteen, Randy and I are almost totally dependent on our parents to get anywhere. It’s not too bad on the weekends, when we can sometimes get a bus, but there are no late-night buses near our place.
Randy looked up thoughtfully. “If it’s alright with you, Dad, I’d like to do some more research on the Internet. Do you think you can help me?”
I wondered what he meant by that. He doesn’t normally need any help with surfing the ‘net. There was something strange going on inside that blonde head of his. Dad looked at little puzzled as well.
“Okay,” he said slowly. “If that’s what you want. I have a couple of things I have to do first, but I’ll join you in the study in about half an hour.” He turned to me. “What about you, David?”
“I think I’ll give Liz a call and then go for a walk outside. A lot’s happened tonight, and I want to think about it for awhile.”
Dad smiled. “If you want to talk about it further with your mum or me, come to us at any time. This is a lot to take in, and I think we could all do with some help talking it through.”
“I think I’ll be fine for the moment, but thanks.”
Grabbing the phone, I headed off to my room, with so many thoughts running through my head. Now I have the problem of what to say to Liz. I promised that I would fill her in tomorrow, but I need to get some of this off my chest tonight. But what can I say now, and what should I do face-to-face? If I tell her that Adam’s been kicked out of home, she’s likely to spread that choice piece of gossip around to everyone she knows. If I tell her why, she may hold off, but I just feel really uncomfortable passing on that bit of news over the phone. I think that needs to be done in person. Should I wait until tomorrow, like I originally told her? But I need to tell SOMEONE what is going on!
Lying down on my bed, I started staring at the ceiling, still thinking. Am I getting anywhere, or I am just procrastinating? I really want to make this phone call, but I don’t know what to say. Okay. Deep breath time. Let’s call her and see how it goes.
As the phone rang, I started to worry. Wasn’t anyone going to answer? Maybe she’d gone out. We didn’t have plans, so she could have been out with her girlfriends.
“Hello. Trev speaking.” Liz’s brother Trevor is one cool guy. As an eighteen-year-old, he’s not only able to buy us beers occasionally, but sometimes gives us a ride on Saturday nights when Liz and I want to go see a movie.
“Hi, Trev! It’s David here. Is Liz there?”
“Hi, Stick! I’ll just go get her.”
“Stick! I didn’t expect to hear from you until tomorrow morning. What’s up?” Liz’s happy voice came down the phone line with a gusto that was almost physical.
“Hi, Liz,” I started hesitantly. Now that I had got her on the phone, I didn’t know how to start. “I’m wondering if we could meet up in town tomorrow morning. I’ve got the story on what’s been going on with Ads, but I don’t think it’s something I can talk about over the phone.”
“I’ve got some chores I have to do first thing, but I could get into town once I’ve finished. If I can’t get a lift with Trev, I’ll catch the bus. I presume we’ll go straight from there to the game?” I could just hear her straining with impatience to find out the full story.
“Yeah. That’s probably best. I’ll see you then.” Try as I might, I couldn’t keep the gloomy tone from my voice.
“Wait! What’s wrong? I’ve never heard you so hesitant. You’re never this short on the phone. Even if you don’t want to talk about it over the phone, give me some sort of hint. Or, if it’ll help, let’s talk about something else to take your mind off whatever’s bothering you,” she pleaded.
Stopping in the act of hanging up, I make a quick decision.
“Promise me you won’t say anything to anyone until after we talk tomorrow?”
“Sure! Are you going to tell me what’s going on?”
“I’ll fill in all the details tomorrow, but basically Adam’s been kicked out of home. He’s got a major problem with his dad at the moment. My dad’s concerned that he could end up suicidal and wants him to stay here with us. My problem is that I’m not sure that Adam’s dad was wrong. The reason Ads was kicked out is pretty scary. But I can see why Dad’s concerned. It’s all so mixed up. I don’t know if I want him to stay or not! Oh, I’m not making any sense. Look, just keep it all to yourself until we can talk tomorrow. I’m going to go for a walk down to the dam soon and try to get it all sorted in my head,” I finished in a rush.
“Wow! Now I’m not going to be able to sleep tonight. Thanks, Stick!” Liz replied sarcastically. “You sure know how to leave me hanging.” She paused, then continued on more gently. “Go for a walk and get some fresh air. I know you. If you get a chance to think things through, you’ll work it out. I’ll see you at the coffee shop tomorrow.”
“Thanks, Liz,” I replied gratefully. “See you then. Bye, Liz.”
“Bye, Stick.”
I lay on my bed for a while. It hadn’t been a great conversation, but it had helped. Having Liz’s confidence that I’d sort out this mess in my mind was a big boost. Just having someone listening as I was letting the thoughts run out of my mouth also started to help put some order into those thoughts.
I sat up, startled by a sudden thought. Who can Adam talk to? He’s going through a lot, too. More than me, to be honest. He has not only the break with this family to get over, but also the problem of turning gay! Maybe just having someone to talk to will help him get over it.
Getting up, I grabbed my summer jacket. The night was still warm, even though it’s early autumn, but the breeze at night can be chilling. It was time to wander down to my favourite thinking spot – down by the dam in the back paddock.
Randy sat down with his dad at the computer in the study.
“I was thinking that Adam is going to need a lot of support to get through the next few months,” Randy started. ”He’s lost his family and I think it’s going to get out at school pretty soon. We can help him as much as we can, but he really needs to talk to other gay kids who have gone through similar things. There must be chat rooms and message boards on the Internet for that sort of thing, and they would have the advantage of allowing him to be anonymous. What do you think?”
“I’m impressed. I think you’re spot on.” Randy’s Dad paused for second and then raised his eyebrows. “But why did you want my help?”
Randy grinned. “Because I suspect I’m going to hit a lot of porn sites on the way through, and I didn’t want you wandering in and finding me looking at gay porn. It might give the wrong impression.”
His dad laughed. “Okay. We’ll look together. If your mum walks in, I’ll cop the flak.”
The search commenced…
There is a large rocky hill at the end of the back paddock. Early on during the colonization of Australia, someone had used the side of the hill as a small quarry. It hasn’t been used as such for decades, as far as I know, but it left a small sheltered cove in the corner of the paddock. To make it even cosier, someone had built a small dam just outside the cove. Add in the surrounding gum trees, and you end up with a picturesque little corner that seems to be isolated from the rest of the world. It’s beautiful during the day, but at night the reflections of moonlight off the dam create a magical atmosphere where it seems that nothing else in the world exists. All there is is you, the water, and the occasional kangaroo.
Whenever I’m stressed or just need a quiet place to rest for a while, I go down there to get away from everything. The family understands this, and if they know that I’m there, they stay away. I have my own special place in the old quarry, where the cut-away stone has formed a small platform that provides the perfect vantage point to contemplate the water in the dam, with its reflections of the trees and sky. When I’m there, time has no meaning.
My mind was in such a state of chaos that it took longer than normal for the magic of the dam to take over. I don’t know how long I sat there, but eventually I found myself not thinking, but merely absorbing the serenity and calm like a sponge. It was time to start working on my problems.
I had been wrong to fly off the handle like I had. Reluctantly, I admitted to myself that Randy was right. Adam is still a friend and needs my support to help him through this crisis. However, I didn’t need to do this alone. Randy had already said that he would do anything he could to help. Dad and Mum would provide a place for Adam to stop running, and all of us would make a home for him to relax into.
First priority – making sure that Dad’s horror scenario would not come to pass. I could not let Adam die. When I got back, I would print out one of those webpages on the signs to look out for. Better still, I’d print out a few copies and give them out to our friends at school. I was sure Liz would help. One of the things we had read was that having someone he trusted to go to would help stop Adam from getting too depressed.
A feeling of anguish washed over me as I realized that I wouldn’t be one of those that Adam would go to. The things I had said would be like a wall between us for some time. To get Adam to overcome this delusion of being gay, I would have to wear that wall down. The problem is that a wall has two sides. I can do what I can to break down my side, but what if he just keeps building up his side in an effort to keep me away? Sighing sadly, I hesitantly accepted that I’d messed up big time. It’s unfair to put the burden on Randy’s young shoulders, no matter how broad, but he will need to be Adam’s confidant.
Second priority – getting Adam over this gay phase. I was a little lost on how to do this, but I was sure Liz would have some ideas. Finding Adam a girlfriend is an obvious thing to try, but I’m not sure what he looks for in a girl. I can’t recall him ever having a girlfriend. Maybe that’s been his problem all along. Being too shy to ask a girl out, he probably thinks that means he’s gay. I smiled as I realised that there could be a simple solution to the problem.
But what if it didn’t work out? Frowning, I contemplated what else I could do. Would a dose of what being gay really means snap him out of the delusion? Being ostracized at school, being bullied and picked on, would these help sort him out? A dangerous approach, but it might work. However, that should be kept as a last resort, as that can’t easily be reversed if it gets out of hand.
Was there anything else I could do? I couldn't think of anything. Maybe there are some suggestions on the Internet. After all, Adam can’t be the first person to make the mistake of thinking he’s gay. Someone will have been through it before and can tell me how they got sorted out.
Putting that problem aside for the moment, I remembered Dad’s comments about tomorrow's game. I wondered if I could still continue to play basketball with Adam on the same team. I no longer saw any problems with that, but would Adam want to play on the same team as me? Recalling the verbal assault I had inflicted on him, I cringed, thinking that unless Adam is a lot more forgiving that I imagined, he wouldn’t want to play if I was there. I was going to have to apologise first thing in the morning, even though I’m not really very good at apologies (I have trouble lying to myself when I’m here at the dam). I’d have to do it. Either that, or offer to sit the game out so Adam could play without me being there. I felt I owed him at least that much for what I’d said.
Okay, now I had a plan of attack. Sitting back, I let my mind go. Contemplating nothing, I watched the reflections of starlight play across the surface of the water. Showing me the indifference that the world of nature places on my thoughts, the starlight still supported me with a promise that my life will survive even this crisis.
I rested there a while, thinking of nothing, until it was time to return to the world of the average teenager…
It was close to midnight when Adam sat up with a start. The nightmare that had woken him was already fading from his mind. All he could remember was floating in the middle of a deep, black ocean under a moonless night sky, as his dad sailed away without a backward glance. His plaintive cries of “Please don’t leave me” still echoed around the room, as the tears started cascading from his eyes.
He pulled his knees up to his chest and his head dropped down as he started to sob.
“Adam? Are you alright?” came a sleepy voice, as if from a distance. It was a long moment before he could recall whom it belonged to.
“Adam, its Randy. I’m here, I won’t leave you,” the voice continued, growing stronger.
A shadowy, half-naked figure rose up beside the bed. Adam froze for a moment.
“You’re safe now. I’ll be here for you whenever you need me. I won’t leave you, I promise.”
The figure sat down next to Adam and put an arm around his shoulder. For a moment, they sat like statues, neither sure what to do, before Adam rolled into the comfort of the younger boy’s chest. Hesitantly, Randy put his other arm around his heartbroken friend. Randy rocked Adam gently, his body and arms providing the safe haven that Adam so desperately needed. He wouldn’t drown in the ocean of despair whilst he had somewhere safe to rest.
[Authors note: The study on homeless youths mentioned above can be found at http://www.thebody.com/siecus/homeless_teens.html ]
I woke up at six on Saturday morning. With everything that I knew was going to happen that day running through my head, I just knew that I wasn’t going to be able to force myself back to sleep. Sighing reluctantly, I dragged my protesting body out of the bed and headed off to the bathroom to have a shower.
As I stood there, letting the water cascade over my head, the upcoming day’s events continued to dominate my thoughts.
Mum and Dad would be holding an early-morning family conference – family plus one, as I expected Adam to be involved as well. I wasn’t sure of exactly what they were going to cover, but I was certain that it would be all centred around Adam and why he’s with us. I hoped it wouldn’t go for too long, as I needed to meet up with Liz at eleven to fill her in on what’s been going on.
A momentary flash of anger consumed me as I realised how many lives are being disrupted, simply because Adam thinks he’s gay. His family has been turned upside down, with his father disowning him and kicking him out. Who knows what effect it’s been having on his mother and big sister!? I don’t really know what happened between then and last night but now my family is being completely changed by this one little thing.
It took awhile for it to sink in, but I accept that Mum and Dad are really just concerned for Adam’s health. I don’t know how he knew, but Dad realises that Adam is a major suicide risk, and Dad’s doing everything he can to prevent that from happening. He hasn’t made any comments yet on Adam being a poofter, but with a bit of luck, settling that issue will be part of the family conference. I can’t see him letting Adam act poofy while he’s staying with us.
The one I’m most surprised and worried about is my little brother. He seems to have lost all sense of perspective. He doesn’t seem to realise that until Adam gets over being gay, he needs to be careful. I honestly think he doesn’t understand the problem of having a poofter sharing his bedroom. It’s one thing for him to offer support to someone who’s potentially suicidal, but it’s a completely different thing to offer himself up as temptation to someone who wants to do unnatural things to him! I had tried to talk to him the night before, but he just shut me out and wouldn’t listen to reason. All I can do is keep an eye out and try to head off trouble when I see it approaching.
It’s obvious that Randy doesn’t know any of the stories I’ve heard from the older guys at school. Gay guys just aren’t to be trusted. Some of the Catholic guys make comments about burning in Hell. I’m not strongly religious, but put together with the other things, it all adds up to the fact that you just can’t trust poofters. I don’t recall any conversations here at home on this topic. The issue of homosexuality has just never cropped up, at least in my earshot. Is that why Randy isn’t reacting properly? He hasn’t heard Mum and Dad tell it as it really is and he hasn’t learnt at school yet how to watch out for himself. The teachers certainly don’t mention it. It’s one of those things that you have find out from the other guys.
Later today, I’m going to have to drag my girlfriend Liz into this mess, and there’s another person being affected! I need her help to turn Adam back into his normal self. Hopefully, she can find a girl who can sort out Adam and save him.
Realising that I didn’t know how long I’d been under the shower, I quickly drew my contemplations to an end. The last thing I wanted at the moment was to get into trouble for using up all the hot water, or worse, draining the water tank. Unlike the city and town folk, we don’t have water piped to our property, and have to live off rainwater – when we can – or pump water from the nearby creek, and that water is always brown, even after we run it through a filter.
As I dried off, my mind wandered forward to the basketball game coming up late in the afternoon. Recalling my decisions of the night before, I wasn’t even sure I’d be playing. I would ask Adam if he wanted me on the same team. Anger raced through me again, as I thought about being forced to ask permission to play in the team that I helped start, just because Adam thinks he’s gay. Now he’s potentially disrupting the team with his behaviour!
Returning to my room, I decided to pack my basketball gear into a bag so Dad could take it to the game for me, in case I ended up playing. That way I wouldn’t have to take it with me when I went to see Liz. I didn’t really feel like carrying a bag around with me all day – the day was going to be stressful enough without that!
As I finished up, I found myself curiously reluctant to head down to the kitchen. If I didn’t leave my bedroom, the day wouldn’t really start. If the day didn’t get started, then maybe I wouldn’t have to go through it. Sighing sadly, I shook off my reluctance and headed off down the corridor.
As I started down, an anxious thought occurred to me. Backtracking, I went past my room to my brother’s. With a feeling of trepidation, I looked into his room. As my eyes adjusted to the gloom, I breathed a sigh of relief. I had been afraid that I was going to find Adam and Randy together or otherwise in a compromising position, but they were in separate beds, and Adam was still wearing most of the clothes he had had on the day before. It really did look like he had just collapsed and my parents had put him to bed still dressed. Tiptoeing away I headed back down to the kitchen.
Surprisingly, I wasn’t the first one there. Finding Dad standing at the kitchen window staring out across the nearby paddock while the coffee brewed, I stepped up to join him.
Glancing at me for a second before returning his gaze to the window, Dad spoke quietly to me, “It’s mornings like this that make me understand why I enjoy living out here. Unless we’re lucky, most of us live in a high-stress world where the concept of lying back and taking life at a slow and steady pace has been replaced with a high-speed drive to a destination that’s often out of date by the time we get there. But looking out this window, I see no evidence of that lifestyle. All I can see is peaceful countryside with a small mob of kangaroos grazing in the distance. Kangaroos are synonymous with Australia throughout the world, but most Australians rarely see one in the wild. We get to see them regularly. I’m part of the high-stress world five days a week, but on weekends I can usually stop and just appreciate life. I can switch off from the high-speed lifestyle, even if it’s only for a while.”
Without diverting his gaze, he sighed and put an arm around my shoulders. “I know I don’t say it a lot, but I’ve been very proud of how you have grown up. You’ve always been a polite and considerate boy. You’re now growing up to be a polite and considerate young man. The situation with Adam is going to put a lot of pressure on you and your brother – pressure that I wish you didn’t have to bear. All I can ask is that you don’t lose focus on what is really important. There will be some pain to go through, I’m sure of it, but please don’t abandon Adam just because the going gets tough.”
Glowing internally with pride at Dad’s words, I turned my gaze outwards and focused on the scene that he found so relaxing, and replied, “I’m sorry for last night, Dad. I said things that Adam should never have heard. Later, when I was sitting down at the dam, I realised that Adam needs someone to talk to more than anything else right now. Someone who will just listen. After what I said to him, I'm afraid that I can’t be that person – it will be too long before he trusts me enough again. I don’t think it’s fair, but I think Randy is going to have to be that person. I just hope he’s strong enough, for Adam’s sake.” I paused for a second as my dad turned to look at me. “I think I still have a role to play, and I’ll do what I have to, but I’ve made the job harder. I’m sorry.”
Looking back at Dad, I saw a soft smile form on his face. He looked like he was going to say something, but then he grabbed me in a hug, instead. “Thanks, son. I knew I could count on you.” Letting me go, he grinned at me. “How about I cook us some omelettes for breakfast?”
“You’re on!” I replied enthusiastically, my previous melancholic mood dissolving away. “I’ll pour the coffees while you’re cooking.”
By a mutual unspoken agreement, Dad and I spent the time before the others woke up talking about anything but the issues of the day. We both knew that what needed to be said had to be said with everyone there. Speaking about it before then would just be counterproductive.
Normally, breakfasts on the weekend are not really family affairs. Randy and I usually sleep in for as long as we want to – it’s not unusual for me to get out of bed just before lunchtime – and just get ourselves something to eat when we're up. Mum is often up early with her horses. As it turned out, she had also been up before me. She came back into the house just after Dad and I had finished our omelettes.
Looking up, Dad grinned at her. “How was your ride this morning?” Rising from the kitchen table, he walked over and gave her a quick peck on the lips.
“It went well. I’m still having a bit of a problem with the canter on the left rein, but he’s going well. I’m happy!” she smiled back.
Seeing how relaxed the two of us were, she added. “Something smells nice. Can someone cook me some while I take a shower?”
“Another omelette coming up!” Dad laughed.
For the first time since Tuesday morning, Adam woke up relaxed. There had only been one nightmare during the night, and Randy had been there to push it away. Somehow, he had instinctively known that the only medication Adam needed was to know that someone still cared for him. Adam realised that Randy must have held him until he had fallen back to sleep.
Frowning slightly, Adam pondered the differences between the two Johnson brothers. Everyone knew they weren’t really twins, but they had always seemed so much alike, it was easy to fall into the trap of thinking they would always react the same. Last night had been a rude awakening in more than one way. Adam just didn’t know what to think about David. He hadn’t had any idea on how any of his friends would react to the news of his being gay, but David’s reaction had been so far from what he had expected or feared that his mind had responded by almost retreating from reality . All that had really saved him was the support he had received from the rest of the Johnson family. Randy, in particular, had become a rock that he could cling to.
Rolling over in the bed, he saw Randy still sleeping in the folding bed that had been added to the room. Raising himself up on one elbow, he looked at his comforter from last night. For the first time ever, he contemplated Randy as a person in his own right – not Giant, not Stick’s brother, not the year 8 student from school, but just Randy – a unique individual. He was startled to realise that Randy had grown up a lot over the last year. Not just physically – that part was always shrouded by his nickname – but in character. His actions last night had hinted at a deep well of compassion hidden in that large frame.
Letting his head fall back onto the pillow and staring at the ceiling, Adam contrasted Randy with David. David also had that wellspring of compassion – he had shown it openly in too many ways over the last couple of years for Adam to deny it existed. But something had happened to taint it. Why couldn’t David show the same compassion to Adam that Randy had?
Adam lay there for a while, trying to resolve what was likely to happen that day. He would need to be honest in order to gain the support of this family. The first order of business would be to inform them of what had happened since Tuesday, when his Dad had discovered that his only son is gay. That would lead into them learning that Aiden, Gary, and their families also knew.
The sounds of Randy stirring ended his contemplations. It was time to get up and face the music.
It was obvious that everyone knew that the morning was going to be special. Randy and Adam came in for breakfast just after 8 a.m. – normally ridiculously early for a Saturday. I flinched when I saw Randy grimace with disgust as he caught sight of me. He was still obviously harbouring ill feelings to me for my comments from the night before. And then I flinched again when a flash of pain crossed Adam’s face before he looked away. I had some serious fence mending to do that morning. I sighed, knowing that I had better get started on it – waiting wasn't going to make it any easier.
I had just started to rise when I felt my Dad’s hand on my arm, gently restraining me. I glanced at him surprised, when he whispered quietly, “Wait a few minutes – he’s just walked in. Let him get a cuppa before you say anything.” Realising the sense of that, I nodded my thanks, and settled back into the chair.
Watching Randy and Adam make themselves cups of tea – my brother has never been a strong coffee drinker – I felt a pang of jealousy when I saw them having a quiet chuckle together at something Randy had said. I had never felt more excluded in my life, and knowing that the pain was largely my own fault didn’t help. The sooner I could get Adam off the idea of being gay, the sooner things could all go back to the way they were before.
I suddenly had an idea to begin to thaw relations. “Adam and Randy, would you like me to cook you breakfast this morning? We’ve all had omelettes, but if you prefer, I can cook bacon and eggs for you.” I waited hopefully for a favourable response.
Randy and Adam looked at me in surprise, before each turned to see how the other was reacting. Randy raised an eyebrow at Adam as if asking him what he thought, to which Adam simply shrugged. A long second passed while I held my breath, before Randy turned to me with a smile.
“Thanks, David. I'd like that. Can I have an omelette please?” He turned to Adam. “What would you like?”
Still refusing to look at me, Adam replied without enthusiasm, “I'll have an omelette, too, if that's okay.”
That was a start, even if it was a small one.
As Randy and Adam ate their breakfast, I got more and more nervous. I was trying to decide how to start my apology. Just come out and say it? Ease into it somehow, and if so, how should I start the conversation? Should I wait until they have finished eating, or should I start while they're occupied? Glancing around, I saw my Dad smiling at me encouragingly. As he caught me eye, he nodded at Adam, as if to say that now was the time.
I had intended to look Adam in the eye when I apologised, to show how sincere I was, but when it came to the time, I found I just couldn't do it. With a downcast face, I began.
“Umm... Adam? I just want to say I'm sorry for what I said last night. I went way over the top, and I'm sorry about that. I didn't think of what it was that you were going through, and I'm afraid I just made it worse for you.” Looking up, I saw Adam staring at me with a stony expression. “I'm happy for you to stay here as long as you want to, and if you want me to keep out of your way, I'll do my best. I'll even drop out of the team, if that helps. Please forgive me?” I ended, pleadingly.
Everyone was silent as they waited for Adam's response. Never letting his eyes leave mine, Adam put another forkful of omelette in his mouth. Chewing slowly, his stony expression altered into a flickering series of emotions that went by too fast for me to read. As he finished his mouthful, he cleared his throat. The look he finally gave me was filled with more sorrow than I thought a person could bear.
He began softly, loaded with raw emotion that tugged at the soul. “Do you have any ideas of how much pain you put me through? I've been searching since Tuesday for a place I can be safe and try to start sorting out my life. I could have accepted not being able to stay because your parents wouldn't let me. I could even, reluctantly, accept you wanting to put a little distance between us.” The anger and volume rose steadily as he continued. “But to have a good friend reject me so instantly, so absolutely – that gutted me. I felt like my insides were being ripped to shreds. I had been caught in a torrent that was carrying me from everything I knew. I THOUGHT I had found a lifeline to keep me safe, and then you went and cut it. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW CLOSE YOU CAME TO FUCKING KILLING ME?” he ended up screaming, tears pouring down his face.
Randy put his arm across Adam's shoulders, and Adam finally broke the lock on my eyes as he turned to rest his face on my brother's shoulder. With Randy holding him like a protective guardian, Adam continued in a quieter and sadder tone, “No, I can't forgive you. Not yet. It's too early. Once I have my feet back on the ground – maybe then, but not now.”
I felt all energy drain from my body as I slowly collapsed into a nearby chair. It was worse than I had expected. Now it was my turn to be rejected, my turn to feel gutted. What could I do now?
I rose slowly to my feet and started to shuffle off slowly towards my room. “Okay, then. Best of luck with the game this afternoon,” I said, resigning myself to leaving the team for Adam's sake.
“Stick, wait!” was Adam's surprising response, as he turned away from Randy to face me. “If anyone quits the team, I think it should be me. I don't know if we'll even have a team if I try to play,” he continued in a wistful tone.
“What do you mean, Adam?” queried Mum.
“I need to tell you what's happened between Tuesday and Friday,” Adam responded, still with that same wistful tone. His eyes seemed to lose focus, as if he was viewing scenes from his memories. “There are things that happened that you all need to be aware of.”
“Tell us whatever you feel comfortable with, honey,” was Mum's supportive response. “You don't have to tell us everything now if you don't want to.”
Adam shook his head. “If I don't say it now, you'll probably hear it from others, and I want to make sure you understand what has happened.”
There was a long pause while Adam appeared to gather his thoughts. No one made a sound. The only one to move was Randy, who squeezed Adam’s shoulders again in support.
Eyes still unfocused, Adam began to speak. There was almost no emotion in his voice. It wasn't a case of having no interest in the story, but more as if he was walling the emotions off because he wouldn't be able to talk if they broke through.
“The story properly begins almost two years ago, when I slowly realised I’m gay. All my friends were starting to notice girls, but I just couldn't understand the attraction. At first I thought it was just that I was a late developer, but when I found myself looking at boys in the same way they seemed to view the girls, I knew that I was different. It was another couple of months before I could put a name to what I was feeling.”
My mind reeled when I heard that. Two years ago! He's considered himself gay that long! I had been thinking that this was a recent thing. I started to feel uncomfortable about my plans to make him straight again. I didn’t think it was going to be as easy as I had first thought.
“I went into denial for a long time. I tried to get myself involved with a girl to prove to myself that I was normal, but I just couldn't do it. I tried looking at porn on my computer, but that did nothing for me either. I only really began to accept what I am a few months ago – just before Christmas.”
I could see I needed a backup plan straight away, but I was getting a sinking feeling that I might be fighting a losing war. It sounded like Adam had already tried everything himself.
“Since then, I've been discretely surfing the web, trying to work out how to cope. What to do, and what not to do. Sorry to say, I hadn't gotten very far when I got caught.”
He paused and took a sip of his then-cold cup of tea. He grimaced slightly at the taste, and continued.
“At the end of last week, Dad was made redundant at work. Naturally, this made him bitter, and he started taking it out on the rest of us. Mum was very supportive for him, and she seemed to be able to control his temper, but without Dad's wage, she had to work longer hours. This meant that she wasn't there a lot to buffer Kelly and me from Dad. Kelly took the simplest solution – she just spent more time at Uni or with her friends. With a license and car, she has that option.” He paused. “I don’t,” he added sadly.
Brushing a tear from his eyes, he continued.
“It seems that Dad knows more about computers than I had suspected. I thought I had been careful about removing the cache and history from my web browser, but somehow he discovered that I had been visiting gay web sites. When I got home from school on Tuesday night he was waiting in the living room. A nearly empty bottle of Jim Bean was on the side table next to him. I looked at him, puzzled, when I saw this, as he's not usually a big drinker. Then he looked up at me.” Adam's lips started to tremble, and his hands began to shake. “I had never seen such a look of contempt, disgust and anger in my life.”
He dropped his eyes down to meet mine. “You came close to that same look last night, Stick,” he added callously, letting his voice show some of the anger he still felt towards me.
I cringed and looked down at the table. I didn't want to see the look of hatred and sense the feeling of betrayal I knew would be there if I looked up.
“'So my poofter son has come home,’” Adam imitated his father. “’Well you can just turn around and leave again. You are no longer welcome here.'” He then returned to the same deadpan delivery he had been using for most of the story. “I was stunned and didn't move. He then proceeded to tell me how he had found gay porn files on my computer, and if that's what I liked, I could do it somewhere else.
“I started to go to my room, but he jumped up and yelled at me to get out. After taking one look at the expression on his face, I fled. I went to a nearby park, where I sat in shock. I don't know how long I was there, but when I came to my senses, it was already dark.
“Having nothing with me but my school bag that I had somehow grabbed automatically as I fled, I knew I needed to get back into the house to get some of my things – clothes if nothing else. I waited at the park until I thought it was after midnight, and then crept back to the house. I used my key to unlock the back door and crept into my room. It was a mess. The computer monitor had been smashed and my CD collection was all over the floor. My various trophies and other stuff had been scattered everywhere, most of them broken.
“I grabbed my duffle bag from the closet and started to throw clothes into it. I had worked out that my best chance of getting somewhere to stay until my dad calmed down was through school, so I made sure I packed enough school clothes to last me to the weekend, plus a handful of other clothing. I picked up the little bit of cash I had in my room and then crept back out of the house. At the time, I thought I'd be back once Dad had a chance to calm down.
“I was wrong.”
By this stage I had looked back up, and I could see the effort it took for him to say those last three words without breaking down. I doubt I could have if I had been in his shoes.
He took a couple of deep breaths and then continued.
“I stayed at the park until the sun came up. After grabbing a donut and coffee at the local shop, and trying to clean myself up as much as I could, I waited for the school bus. I was jumping at every sound, as I half expected my dad to show up at the bus stop so he could have another go at me.
“Once at school, I made arrangements to stay with Aiden that night. The only reason I chose Aiden was because he was the first one I saw that I felt comfortable asking. After school we headed back to his place. Once there, I tried ringing home to see how things were. Dad answered the phone. He sounded calm and sober until he found out who was on the other end of the call. Then he blew his top. He told me never to call there again. He said I’m not his son, and he will deny having a son to anyone who asks, and then he slammed the phone down. When Aiden came back into the room he saw me shaking and asked me what was wrong. I told him that I had problems with my dad, but I didn't tell him why. Everything was fine until his dad got home late that night. His dad rang my dad, and the shit hit the fan. He called me a poofter and told me to get away from his son. I obviously didn't move fast enough or far enough for him, as he slammed a fist hard into my left arm. It's still sore. I was allowed to sleep on the floor of the living room, but it was made very clear to me that I had to be out of the house at dawn. Aiden was told to go to his room and not to come out until I was gone. I still don't know what Aiden thinks of me. He has avoided me at school for the rest of the week.
“The next night, I stayed at Gary's. I tried a different story, but Gary's mum still ended up ringing my dad. She was at least a little sympathetic. She came back in to Gary and me and said that my dad had said I’m a homo. She then asked me if it was true. I wanted to deny it, but I couldn't. I admitted that I am. Gary got a look of horror on his face. His mum said that I could sleep on the couch that night, but I needed to find somewhere else for the next night. At least they gave me breakfast the next morning. Gary came in while I was eating, but after one look at me he turned around and went back to his room. His mum dropped both of us off at school that morning – yesterday morning – but Gary hasn't said a word to me since he learnt I’m gay.”
He looked around at everyone, his eyes brimming with tears.
“So you see, over half the team now knows I'm gay. David, Aiden and Gary all hate me. If I drop out, you'll still have seven players. If I stay, we might only have five. Less if Break, B1 or B2 freak out when they learn.”
I jumped in quickly before anyone else could comment. “Ads, I'm happy to have you in the same team as me. I thought you wouldn't want me in the same team as you. If you can put up with me, I'm more than pleased to play with you.”
My dad came in next. “Adam, I think you should play. More than anything else, I think you need some normality. You've been playing basketball with these guys for years now. You were talking earlier about wanting a lifeline. Basketball is one of your lifelines. Playing today will take your mind off things for an hour or so. Not playing is just going to make you dwell on it more.”
Randy added, “You can't keep running, Ads. Too many people know, and it looks like your dad is telling everyone who asks about you. You can face up to the issue, or wait for it to hit you when you don't expect it. We'll all be there with you. Please play?” he pleaded.
Adam sat there for a moment, his mouth half open. He looked uncertain as he gazed around at everyone's encouraging faces. I tried to give him a smile to show that I supported him, but he only glanced fleetingly at me. I looked down at the table as the smile fell from my face. After Adam's story, my mind was going back to mush. So many assumptions I had built the previous night’s decisions on looked to have been founded in quicksand. I was no longer confident in the direction I was planning to take.
As the silence dragged on, Mum brought it to a close. “You don't need to make a decision now. You can decide this afternoon, if you like. In the meantime, would you like another cup of tea? That one’s gone cold.”
Adam smiled at her. “Yes, please,” he said, and then started to giggle. I looked at everyone and they all looked as puzzled as I was as to the reason.
“What is it Ads?” Randy asked, concerned.
“Never mind,” Adam replied, still giggling. “Let’s just say that I'm feeling a lot better having had a laugh to finish that off with.” Calming down, but still smiling, he continued, “Is there anything else we need to discuss?”
“Actually, yes, there is,” Dad replied, still puzzled, but obviously willing to put that aside for the moment.
Mum said from where she was making another cup of tea, “Once you've finished your breakfast, can you put your dirty clothes into the laundry basket for me? I'll get them started before we go shopping.”
“Shopping?” Adam asked, surprised.
“Yes. From what you've said, I don't think it's a good idea for any of us to go to your house and ask for the rest of your clothes, so we'll need to buy some new ones. Unfortunately, I don't think Randy’s or David's clothes would fit you very well, so you can't borrow theirs,” Mum replied, examining him with a critical eye.
“We can't get the other important things done until Monday,” Dad added.
“What things?” Randy asked curiously.
“Well, the first thing we need to do is to get a lawyer to write up a letter that appoints your mum and me as Adam's guardians.”
He looked inquiringly at Adam, “I’m assuming that you’d like to stay here. Is there anywhere else you would prefer to go?”
“Home,” Adam replied forlornly. “But I don’t think I can do that.” He glanced at where Mum was smiling encouragingly, before turning back to my dad. “Yes, I’d like to stay here if you’ll have me.”
Smiling his acceptance, Dad continued, “Okay, once we have that letter, we then need to get your mum and dad to sign it. Once we have that, we can sort out other things, such as school, health insurance, etc. I don't know how hard that is going to be, but if your dad stays the way he's been going, he'll hopefully sign it without any qualms.” He then frowned at Adam. “I'm less sure on how your mum is going to react to the request. You haven't indicated what she feels about this. Do you have any ideas?” he asked gently.
Adam looked nervous. “I honestly don't know. I tried ringing her at work on Thursday night, but they said she wasn't there. I think she'll sign a guardianship letter, because she can see that it would be good for me. But I just don't know!” he finished, distressed.
As I watched, pained at anyone having to consider whether or not their mum still loves them, my mum crossed over to where Adam sat and took him into her arms. He was going to have one good mum, at least.
I suddenly noticed Randy glaring at me across the table. I was wondering why, when he spoke to Adam, “Hey, I hope it all goes well, as it'll be nice to have a new brother around here. Especially as the last one I had turned out to be a homophobic prick,” he added cruelly.
“Randy! Watch it or you'll end up grounded,” my dad growled. “There is no need for that. David is trying, and we don't need to have you sniping at him from the sidelines.”
I was glad Dad jumped in then, because I was speechless. I’d never heard Randy be so cruel and heartless. I couldn't work out what had brought that on, when a disturbing thought popped into my mind. I tried to push it out, denying it as a possibility, but it wouldn't go away. Could he be overreacting because he was trying to defend his boyfriend? No, it couldn't be – if they were boyfriends, Adam would have come straight here on Tuesday night. And Randy told me last night that he isn’t gay. But that was before they shared a room last night. Could Adam have corrupted my little brother that quickly? Surely not! But...
Just then the phone rang. Glad for the distraction from my thoughts, I jumped up. “I'll get it,” I yelled.
“David speaking,” I said as I picked up the phone.
“Hi, Stick, it’s Aiden. I'm trying to track down Adam. Do you know where he might be?” Aiden was speaking softly, in an almost furtive manner.
I thought for a moment, then shrugged. The news would get out soon enough. “Sure! He's here with us at the moment. Do you want me to get him?” I asked.
“Thanks! But only if he's free now. If he's busy I can give you a message for him,” Aiden replied, still whispering.
“Okay, I'll get him now.” I walked back to the table. “Ads, it's for you. It's Aidy,” I said in a neutral tone.
Adam took the phone nervously. “Aidy?” he quivered. As he listened, his face became calmer and happier, before suddenly becoming nervous again. “Thanks, mate. Thanks for everything. See you later,” he finished with a smile.
He sat for a moment, staring at the fresh cup of tea that my mum had put in front of him while he was on the phone.
“Ads, what is it?” Randy asked quietly.
Adam stared at the cup for a moment longer and then looked up at Randy and smiled. “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that Aidy is cool with me. It's not going to be a problem with him.” Then he frowned. “The bad news is that because of me, his dad is going to be at the game this afternoon. He tried to pull Aidy out of the team, but Aidy convinced him that it's just a game and that he doesn't need to do that. Instead, he's going to start going to the matches to ensure that 'that bloody poofter doesn't try anything'. Aidy's concerned that he's going to mouth off in a big way. If he does, I'm going to be outted to everyone who's there. It'll be all over school by Monday,” he finished, apprehensively.
He looked up. “As you said earlier, Randy, I can't keep running. The word is going to get out sooner or later,” he quietly stated. “My only decision is do I let it out today when I know it's going to happen, or wait for it to leak sometime later.”
Thinking for a second, he set his face into a resolute mask. “Giant... no, David,” he started, turning to face me, “can you please try to contact Gary to find out how he feels about me playing today? I might as well try to find out now rather than wait until just before the game.”
“Sure!” I replied, then queried, “But why do you want me to do it and not Giant?” I could see Randy echoing the question in his mind. I also noticed that Adam called me by my name instead of my nickname. I was afraid to ask whether there was an ulterior motive for that.
Looking away from me as if he didn't want to look at me more than he had to, he answered, “Because if Gary reacts badly I think you'll handle that better than Randy. Giant's just as likely to blow his stack at him if he comes over as homophobic, which will just make things worse.” Turning to my dad, he continued, “Mr. Castle, I know B1 and B2 often get a lift to the games with you. Are they going to do so today as well?”
My dad smiled. “Firstly, you can either call us Yvonne and Kevin, or hopefully, Mum and Dad. And, yes, Brett and Brian will be getting a lift with us to the game.” Raising his eyebrows, he asked, “Why did you want to know?”
“Can you ask them to come over early?” Adam asked hopefully. “If I can tell them before we leave and give them a chance to think about it, that will leave only Break to tell at the stadium.” He pondered for a second before shaking his head. “No, it's better to do it face to face, and not over the phone,” he finished, as if to himself.
When no one stepped forward to continue the conversation, I headed to the phone. “I'll try to call Gary now.”
Standing with the phone in my hand, I stopped to gather my thoughts. Given Adam's determination to not hide, I don't think there is anything I need to avoid saying, so a simple question should suffice. Okay, here goes nothing...
“Hello?” a female voice answered the phone.
“Hello, Mrs. Loveridge. It's David Johnson here. Is Gary home?”
“Just a minute,” she replied, before calling out, “Gary! Phone!”
“Hi, Gary speaking,” came Gary's voice after a few minutes.
“Hi, Gazza, its Stick. How's things?” I asked, suddenly nervous. I didn’t know how to get onto the desired topic.
“Pretty quiet at the moment. I've got some chores to do before I can head into town. Do you want to catch up?”
“Sure. I'm meeting Liz at about eleven at the coffee shop and then staying for lunch before heading off to the game. If we're not at the shop, we'll probably be down by the racetrack.”
“Sounds good to me! I'll see you then. Is that all you called for?” he asked.
“Actually, no,” I began. “Uh... I understand Ads stayed at your place on Thursday night,” I continued nervously.
“So?” was the cold response.
“He stayed with us last night, and he's told us about everything that has been going on. He said that you know that he's gay. Is that right?” I asked tentatively.
“Go on,” was the non-committal answer.
“We just want to know if there’s going to be a problem if Ads plays in the game today. Are you okay with that?” I asked nervously. Gary was certainly making me work at this.
I waited for the answer. “Gazza?” I said after a few seconds.
“Just thinking. Give me a minute or so,” was the neutral response.
It was a long minute. On the plus side, it wasn't an outright rejection. On the minus side, he obviously had grave concerns. At least he was thinking about it seriously.
Gary's voice sounded over the phone suddenly, “Who else knows he's gay?”
“My family, and Aidy and his family,” I replied. I thought for a second, then added, “But we suspect that it's going to become common knowledge pretty quickly. He's planning on telling B1 and B2 before the match, and Break at the game, so they find out before the rumours start.”
“Hmmm,” was the only response I received to the news.
After another long minute, Gary finally answered the original question. “I don't mind Ads playing. Anything else we'll play by ear. You can tell him that I wish him luck, but I don't know if I can support him when he gets in strife. Sorry,” he finished in a regretful tone.
“Thanks, Gary. I'll pass that on. Will I still see you in town?”
“Probably, but don't wait for me, just in case. See you later, Stick,” he finished.
“Okay, see you soon,” I replied before hanging up.
Returning to the kitchen, I gave Adam a smile as I walked back to the table. A look of relief flooded his face as he smiled in response.
“Gary's fine with Ads playing,” I announced happily, but then frowned. “Ads, he said to wish you luck with everything, but don't expect him to be able to support you. He said to say he’s sorry.”
Adam's mood faded visibly as he absorbed the news. Then, shrugging, he replied philosophically, “I'll take a neutral friend over an active enemy any day.”
“Okay, everyone. Let’s get moving. We have a lot of things to do this morning,” Mum piped up in the silence that followed Adam's statement. “Adam, go get your dirty clothes, and then let’s go shopping!” The enthusiasm that Mum put into that last statement brought a smile to everyone's face.
“Can you drop me off in town on the way through?” I asked. “I'm meeting Liz at eleven.” I then turned to Adam, “Is there anything you don't want me to say to her? I sort of promised last night that I’ll fill her in on what’s going on,” I added apologetically.
“I'm not running anymore,” Adam replied resolutely, though still without looking at me. “You can tell her anything you want. Just ask her to check with me before she starts telling anyone else. I'd like to have some idea of who knows and who doesn't.”
“Okay.”
As they headed off shopping, Adam felt a sense of empowerment. With the support of the Johnsons, he was beginning to take control of his life again. It would have been nice to have had the option to controlling when he was outted to everyone, but he was beginning to feel that he could survive the trial by fire that was approaching. Realistically, he knew it wasn't going to be easy, but he had some support.
Randy had mentioned some web sites that he and his dad had found the night before. Adam resolved to check them out that night. As a thought hit him, he changed his mind. That afternoon, after shopping, he had better check out what tips there were for handling verbal abuse. That was going to be the first priority. He’d check the rest out later.
It was half past ten when Mum dropped me off in town. Yarra Glen is the closest town to us, and is located just outside the northeastern suburbs of Melbourne. While there are enough things there for most shopping trips, for what Mum was planning to buy, she was travelling the extra distance to the Chirnside Park shopping centre in the Melbourne suburbs.
I decided to fill in some time looking in one of the antique stores that abound in Yarra Glen. Now, antiques are not my favourite cup of tea. Indeed, I'd have to say they are so far down the list that they rate only slightly above watching paint dry. However, my Dad's birthday is coming up next month, and I still had absolutely no ideas on what to get him. Since I had to fill in some time, I thought I'd wander through one of the stores and look for inspiration. As I'd already tried the tractor, hardware and automotive stores on earlier trips, I was beginning to get desperate.
Unfortunately, inspiration hadn't struck by the time I had to head off to the coffee shop. Yarra Glen does have more than one coffee shop, but there is only one that the school kids hang out at. So when we say “the coffee shop” it’s obvious which one we mean.
I hate being late for anything, so I wasn't surprised to find that I had beaten Liz there. Sitting down at a corner table where we'd be able to hold a semi-private conversation, I started to worry about what I was going to say when she showed up.
Ten minutes later, still in a confused, dazed state, I was startled when Liz settled into the seat next to me.
“Twice in two days! You really are slowing down, Stick,” she teased with a smile. However, when she spied my confused expression, the smile slipped. “What's wrong?”
“I thought I had it sorted all out last night, but this morning everything went crazy again. I just don't know what to do anymore,” I said, dejectedly. “I hope you can help me work it all out.”
“How about starting with what is going on?” she asked gently. “You told me that Adam's been kicked out, but not why. What's he done that made you say that his dad might have been justified in kicking him out?”
Trembling, I told her, “His dad found out that Adam's gay.”
She sat still for a moment as she absorbed what I had said.
And then she slapped me.
Raising a hand to my cheek, I looked at Liz in surprise. She had never slapped me or even threatened to slap me.
“Why’d you do that?” I asked. There was no anger in my question, only puzzlement.
“Why?” she echoed indignantly. “Why? You told me last night that Adam had been kicked out of home and that you thought it might have been justified! I spent the night trying to think of what he could have done. The only thing I could come up with was that he is into drugs, maybe even dealing drugs.” Her face was going red with anger, but thank goodness she kept her voice down. I didn’t really want the entire shop to overhear our fight.
“Now I find out that the only thing going on is that Adam’s gay,” she continued intensely. “You had me up half the night stressing out, and it’s all over such a non-issue! You deserve a lot more than a slap across the face for that.”
As I watched, she pulled herself together and appeared to calm down, though her eyes still flashed an anger that I couldn’t appreciate.
“But it’s not a non-issue!” I stated forcibly. “Look at how many people have been affected by this. He’s lost touch with his mum and sister. His dad publicly disowns him. My brother and I are fighting and Aiden’s dad could pull Aiden from the team because of Ads. How can you say it’s a non-issue? Who knows who else is going to be affected.”
Liz ran a hand through her hair as she paused to digest my point of view. “Maybe non-issue is not a good term,” she admitted. “But he’s certainly done nothing to justify being kicked out of home,” she finished hotly.
Reflecting on what I had said, she added, “What exactly are you and Randy fighting about, anyway?”
I glanced down at the table. This was not a subject I felt comfortable talking about, especially to my girlfriend. “I’m really worried about how he’s reacting to Adam,” I confided. “He told me last night that he isn’t gay, but this morning he was acting so protective of Adam that it was as if he was trying to keep his boyfriend safe! I told him that he shouldn’t stay the night in the same room as Ads,” I finished with a note of anguish.
“You’re an idiot,” Liz exclaimed with exasperation. “Either Giant’s gay, in which case you will just have to get used to the fact, or he’s just looking after a mate who needs some support.”
“My brother is not gay!” I replied angrily. Suddenly realising that I may have spoken a bit too loudly, I looked around nervously to see a few people looking at me curiously. Turning back to Liz, I quietly added, “Look, can we continue this somewhere a bit more private? Let’s walk down to the racetrack.”
Liz tilted her head slightly to one side as she considered the request, before rising to her feet. “Okay, Stick. Let’s get going.”
We walked down to the racetrack in silence, each wrapped up in our own thoughts. At least she let me hold her hand as we walked. The slap had unnerved me. Not being able to hold her hand would have probably freaked me out.
There were no races in Yarra Glen that day, though with races scheduled for the next day there was still a lot of activity going on. Liz and I sat down on a hill overlooking the course and watched quietly for a few minutes as workmen prepared the track for the next day.
Sensing that Liz was wanting me to take the lead, I slid my arm around her shoulder and lent into her for support. “Liz, I’m awfully confused at the moment. I had no idea that Ads is the way he is, and I’m not handling it well. I blew up at him yesterday when he told us, and said a lot of things that I now regret.”
Feeling her lean back into me gave me a sense of comfort and encouragement. Continuing, I said, “At first I thought this must be a phase he’s going through, because he’s just a bit confused. I thought we could fix the problem. I was going to ask your help in finding him a girlfriend to sort him out.” Feeling Liz stiffen under my arm, I quickly added, “But I learnt this morning that that isn’t true. He’s known he’s gay for two years now. I don’t understand it, but I think I’m just going to have to get used to the fact.” I gave a small sigh of relief when I felt her relax again.
“Keep going, Stick. You’re doing well,” Liz encouraged softly.
I sighed. Now was the hard bit. “I worked out last night that more than anything else, Adam needs someone to talk to – someone to give him support. Unfortunately, after my outburst, he doesn’t even want to look at me most of the time. I’ve pretty much forced him to turn to Giant to help him get through this. Randy’s great, but I’m concerned because he’s only fourteen. He can be easily led astray by Ads. He’s already said that he prefers Ads over me as a brother,” I finished sadly.
Liz and I sat together in silence for a moment, still watching the activity at the racetrack. I didn’t know what more to say.
Slowly, Liz moved out of my embrace. Turning and wondering what she was doing, I saw her smile as she moved to where she could look at me.
“Stick, what’s really your problem?” she asked gently. “Is it that you just don’t understand how Adam can be gay? Or is it that you don’t think he’s your friend anymore? Or could it be that Giant is doing something that you think should be your job? Or is it that you’re concerned that Giant is going to be hurt by all of this?”
I started to speak, but nothing came out. I knew I was concerned but I wasn’t sure why. Looking down at the ground, I thought about the questions Liz had asked.
Do I understand how Adam can be gay? The answer to that one is easy – NO! But that wasn’t really Liz’s question. It really was, am I having a problem with accepting his being gay? And the answer to that one I reluctantly admitted to myself has to be yes.
“I don’t understand him anymore,” I started as I reflected on the questions. “I’m not even sure that I ever did. Was everything we shared before a lie? Yes, that bothers me. I’ve enjoyed having him as a friend, but I don’t think I could call him that now, even if I wanted to. And I know that’s partly my fault, and that’s eating me up as well.”
I hesitated as I thought about the situation with Randy. “As for Giant, I think he’s getting in too deep. I have a feeling he’s going to get hurt, but I don’t know what I can do about it. He’s not talking to me at the moment. He’s really angry about the things I said to Ads last night. I’ve apologised to Ads, but Randy hasn’t really accepted it, and Ads didn’t accept it at all.”
Looking Liz straight in the eye, I concluded, “Randy’s only fourteen. Because of my stupidity, Adam’s turning to him for support instead of me. I don’t think Giant is mature enough to handle it without getting trapped. I’m scared for what Ads could do to him, and I’m scared about what will happen to him at school because of Ads.”
“You could be right,” Liz acknowledged quietly, as she turned back to the view over the racetrack. “But I think you need to give Randy a chance to prove himself. I’ve been watching him over the last few months, and I think he’s really started to mature.”
“You’ve been watching him?” I asked in astonishment. “What have you been watching him for? I thought I was your boyfriend!”
Smiling cheekily at me over her shoulder as she lay back into my chest, she answered, “You are! But I can tell a lot about a guy from his family, so I’ve been watching yours, and I’ve been very impressed.”
A warm glow spread through me at her compliments. I put my arms around her as she rested her back against my body, and some of the dark clouds started to leave my mind.
“There is one thing, though, that I think you need to understand, Stick,” she continued. “When we started, you listed some of the things that are going on. Do you realise that absolutely none of the issues you raised have anything to do with Adam?” she asked.
Surprised by the comment, I thought for a moment. Everything has to do with Adam! If he weren’t gay he’d still be at home with his family, and Randy would still be speaking to me. There would be not disrupting influences on the basketball team, and everything would be going well.
“What do you mean?” I asked. I really couldn’t understand where she was coming from with that comment.
“I think it’s obvious,” she replied calmly, leaning her head back to rest on my shoulder. “All of the issues you raised are to do with the other people, not Adam. Mr. Trent has a problem with accepting who his son is. He’s the one who is causing the problems in that family, not Ads. And you seem to have the same problem and that’s upset Giant. It’s not Adam that’s caused the fight between you and Randy – it’s you and how you reacted. And now Aiden’s dad is having a problem accepting that his son plays basketball with someone who is gay. That’s not Adam’s fault. All everyone has to do is accept him for who he is, and all the problems will disappear.”
While I tried to absorb this, she continued with a touch of steel in her voice, “I am assuming that you no longer have a problem with Adam being gay. I am right, aren’t I? You don’t have a problem with him being gay?”
My mind started to race as I realised that my response to her question was going to be critical. I knew better than to try to lie. I haven’t managed to do that successfully with Liz for months.
I started slowly, “What he does in the privacy of his own bedroom is really none of my business. I don’t need to know and I don’t want to know any details of what he does.” I paused for a moment and then continued, “But, if he tries to do anything with my little brother, I’ll definitely have a problem with that. I don’t want him corrupting him!” I finished firmly.
My pleasure at being able to correctly answer her question was blown away in an instant, as she pulled herself out of my arms, and spun around to glare at me.
“How dare you think that of Adam!” she challenged. “You’ve known him for years, and he’s never been anything but a good friend. How can you even consider that he’d do something to Giant? You’re seeing possibilities that just aren’t there!”
“That’s not true!” I responded indignantly. “How am I supposed to know what he’s thinking, anymore? If he puts his arm on my shoulder during a game, is it because he’s being a mate, or is he trying to start something?” My voice started to rise in volume and anger as I continued, “And you didn’t see the way he’s got Randy acting! I just know that he’d love to turn Giant gay. I don’t want that to happen if I can prevent it!”
“You’re a bastard!” she snarled, as I looked back in shock. “You think Adam is some sort of pervert that’s going to go around molesting everyone. Haven’t you got it through that head of yours that HE HASN’T CHANGED! He’s still the same person who pulled you out of the creek last year during the floods. He hasn’t changed at all. All that’s happened is that you now know why he doesn’t have a girlfriend!”
Standing up, she looked down at me in disgust. “I’m going now before one of us says something that we’ll both regret. Don’t expect to see me at the game, and don’t try calling until you’ve sorted out your issues. I don’t need a homophobic boyfriend!” she finished with vehemence. Turning, she strode away up the hill back into town.
I sat there for a moment before my brain registered that she was walking off. Possibly even walking out of my life! I rose quickly and ran after her. “Wait, Liz. Please wait? Can’t we talk this out?” Putting my hand on her shoulder, I pleaded, “Please?”
Spinning round to face m